Lately my partner of 6 years is constantly eyeing cute young men (we're in our early 30s). They're always younger and cuter and much different types than me and he says I shouldn't take any notice of it. We're very happy together in all other ways so how do I stop this upsetting and worrying me. - Patrick, Christchurch JACQUIE'S ADVICE: You had better get used to your guy looking at other men. All men will look until they are dead. It is instilled in them by nature if you are honest with your self I would bet you look as well. The rule is: you can look, but not touch. But it is tacky to be obvious. Tell your guy that you don't mind him looking as long as he doesn't touch and he does not appear undignified if he does look. He also should not look on special occasions. You look. We all look. It's our nature. Jealousy is insecurity. If you are insecure, work on it. This is an emotion that does nothing but destroy. You see what it is doing to you. Eliminate this emotion. In fact, it is a great goal to eliminate all negative emotions. They all are useless and destructive. As long as you are engaged in negative emotion, your mind is clouded. The mind filters out all good, it is insignificant, and looks for the entire negative, it is the threat. It's just not a good state of mind and undermines your highest self. Ask yourself, "Is this really the person I want to be in a relationship with" And if the answer is "yes", then you must control your paranoia or your fears will become a self fulfilling prophesy, and you will have caused it. This kind of behavior shows lack of respect and causes jealousy. JIM'S ADVICE: You mention your six years together which raises something for you to consider. Is your partner only now “eyeing” others or is he just being more open about it? Sexually, men are very visual. Even monogamous, faithful men - gay or straight - have a tendency to look. Perhaps he feels more secure with you today so that he doesn't hide the looking any more. This does upset you and it's something he should consider. But to consider it he has to know. How you tell him could cause more problems than it solves. Approach him but don't make it sound as if you are accusing him of anything. I would try to avoid ‘judging' him as well. Tell him how important he is to you and also tell him how his actions make you feel. It's important he knows that how you feel is not his fault. You alone are responsible for your feelings. Own up to that and ask him if his ‘eyeing' means anything more than just a look. Don't assume anything. If it does mean more then you two do need to talk seriously. And that's a different question entirely. Remember that gay couples can't ask others to respect their relationships, without being hypocrites, until they respect their relationships themselves. If his eyeing is nothing more than looking, but you are still bothered by it, then ask him to be more discrete or to stop when you are around. Anyone who's gone to the mall knows that one can window shop without ever intending to buy. I suspect it's true that you've looked a few times yourself. That's pretty normal. You have something none of the men he's eyeing can give him - six years together. Hopefully, at his age, he should have figured out that looks alone are a poor foundation for a relationship of any kind. You must have offered him something more substantial than mere looks for him to still be with you six years later. In addition one of the benefits of a long term relationship is the knowledge that you know each other very well and that includes your flaws and failings. Just in case Patrick's partner is reading this let me remind you that they may be pretty to look at but chances are you'll be very disappointed. Look, but remember you can't afford to buy. Don't throw away six years for six minutes. As the years pass you'll find out exactly how important are relationships. Throw yours away over something frivolous and you dramatically increase your chances of ending up a very lonely man. Work on what you have, build it up, respect Patrick's feelings, and reassure him about how important he is to you. He gave you a gift he can never take back - six years. And you've done the same for him. Cherish that and each other. GayNZ.com - 31st January 2005