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Cher, k.d. and Martina: The Holy Trinity guide

Fri 7 Jan 2005 In: Events

Gay icon Cher, dyke rocker k.d., part-time-lesbo tennis ace Martina... with this many celebrities coming our way, the country looks set to sink under the weight of glbt adoration. Just to keep you in the loop, here are's seven fascinating facts about each, to while away those nights when you're not watching The Living Channel, and for striking up conversations with cuties in glbt venues. CHER 1. Cher's final farewell tour, which will see her touch down here in February, could well be the longest goodbye concert series ever – she started in 2002. 2. Cher's daughter Chastity was named after the title of Cher's second film, a low-budget affair in 1969 funded by her then-husband Sonny Bono. The film flopped, and Chastity turned out lesbian. 3. When she left Sonny in 1974, she started dating openly gay record mogul David Geffen, who even at the time was open about his homosexuality. Go figure. Their relationship lasted a year. 4. Over twenty years before satellite-dish-faced British singer Sophie Ellis Bextor released Take Me Home, Cher had already done it – it was a hit for her in May 1979. 5. Her best selling album was one of her most recent – the smash Believe in 1999, which saw her trading her middle-of-the-road soft rock sound for disco divadom. A superior follow-up, Living Proof in 2001, was sadly unsuccessful. 6. Heart of Stone was the title of her second-best-selling album. Released in 1989, it spawned five hit singles, including If I Could Turn Back Time – which came complete with a revealing video set on a navy ship where the diva's minge was debatably visible. 7. A much-quoted fact is Cher's unique track record of scoring a number 1 hit in the 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s; but less-often quoted is the fact that she's the only singer to have number 1 hits over four decades who also appeared in two episodes of Batman. KD LANG 1. k.d.lang came out publicly in 1992 just prior to the release of her most-successful album, Ingenue, which spawned the worldwide hit Constant Craving. Her lesbosity seemed to have no detrimental effect on sales. 2. The k.d. (she never uses capital letters) stands for Kathryn Dawn, although if Canada was spelt with a k, it could also stand for Kanadian Diva, seeing as lang hails from the land of the maple leaf, born in the conservative province of Alberta. 3. Back in the deep dark eighties, when k.d. was known only as a Canadian country singer, she duetted with rock legend Roy Orbison on Cryin, for which she won a Grammy. 4. Following her foray into mainstream pop with Ingenue, lang has since stuck her finger in every pie, with albums covering dance, cabaret, torch songs, blues, and jazz, but sadly not polka. 5. In October 1995, she became the 4,963rd artist to duet with Elton John when she appeared on his Duets LP performing the song Teardrops. 6. lang's current album is Hymns of the 49th Parallel, an album of covers by Canadian songwriters who lang says have "nurtured my musical DNA", including Leonard Cohen, Joni Mitchell, and Neil Young. 7. The evidence is overwhelming. Longitudinal social science studies have shown that 89% of all lesbians own a k.d. lang album, or at least like one of her songs (statistics provided by Jan Sox and the Mixam Institute). MARTINA NAVRATILOVA 1. She is a lady. 2. She plays tennis, rather well in fact – she has won 58 Grand Slam titles in a career spanning 30 years. 3. Although at first intimidated by its tradition, she has won at Wimbledon nine times, six times in a row 1982 through 1987. 4. A native of Czechoslovakia, she defected to the US in 1975 to escape the communist regime, which condemned her and then attempted to erase her from the country's history. 5. Always open about her bisexuality from the late seventies on, Martina found her frankness was a handicap to sponsorship. 6. The late eighties saw the tennis veteran constantly up against a slew of young pretenders, including teen queen Monica Selas, who continually defeated Martina until 1993, when Martina finally prevailed in Paris. Two months later, Monica was stabbed by a crazed fan in the middle of a match in Hamburg. 7. Both women will be in New Zealand in February, playing exhibition matches against each other in Auckland and Christchurch – it's the first time either of the former world champions have faced off on the court in Kiwiland. [Editors' disclaimer:, its agents and wholey- or partly-owned subsidiaries, including but not limited to anyone or anything we have ever had connection with at any time and in any place in the universe or beyond, notwithstanding any claim to the contrary by any person who seeks to be a prick by taking us to task over a couple of the above facts or partial facts, hereby absolves itself of any legal, financial or moral responsibility for the information contained in the aforesaid couple of facts or partial facts. Following extensive consultation with international legal experts in the fields of entertainment and sports law we issue and place on record the following statement which should be read in connection with all material preceding this statement and, in accordance with the protocols of the Kiev Convention (1947), is applicable to any party or parties of any nature whatsoever which seeks to question the veracity or provenance of the aforesaid couple of facts or partial facts in any court of law or public or private setting within the jurisdiction of the Convention: Statement Begins: Get a Life. Statement Ends Chris Banks and no-one else at all - 7th January 2005    

Credit: Chris Banks and no-one else at all

First published: Friday, 7th January 2005 - 12:00pm

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