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Face2Face: All Blacks Vs. Drag Queens

Tue 4 Sep 2007 In: Entertainment View at Wayback View at NDHA

New Zealand's favourite brick-shaped cereal Weet-Bix is taking its role as supporter of the All-Blacks very seriously this year, and has spared no expense to bring Kiwis clearly the most worthy internet-and-phone-based project ever… bringing our nation face-to-face with rugby's broken-nosed best. With "state-of-the-art-facial recognition software", Weet-Bix's wondrous website can measure your looks against all the All Black players, giving you a percentage likeness… with accuracy to a whopping two decimal places! "Our facial analyser looks at things like overall face shape, and prominent features such as eyes, nose and mouth shape," the breakfast boffins announce. "However, it doesn't consider gender, age or skin tones. Based on the software's complex algorithm, it will determine which All Black you most look like." Encouraged by the disclaimer about gender, and excited by the word 'algorithm', we selected six of New Zealand's most well-known drag divas to upload into the publicity stunt ground-breaking system. So, exclusive to, here are the results, in order of 'looks slightly like an All Black' right through to 'looks a little bit like an All Black I suppose'. Miss Mole Christchurch's outrageous Miss Mole lights up a room just by leaving it! But does she look like an All Black? "Sort of," the Sanitarium software seems to say. Malili Muliana is the best match, with a 56.73% likeness. The All Black website says Muliana "has strong positional play at the back and a dangerous counterattacking ability". So does Miss Mole! But Moley, you are the Weakest Likeness Link, goodbye. Ellie Kat Weet-Bix's mega-computer suggests the beautiful Ellie Kat - Miss Drag Wellington 2007 and The Glamazon most likely to go solo - looks 56.81% like farmer-turned-rugby star Andrew Hore. Or maybe Anton Oliver. Or perhaps (at a pinch) Dan Carter (but this is really pushing it, girl). Advice for Ellie: Keep hitting the donut shop and maybe you'll look more like an All Black next year! Miss Ribena With those thunder-thighs, we know Auckland's Miss Ribena would be a formidable force on the rugby field. And the Family club hostess is going to bellow with joy when she sees which All Black she most resembles… OMG. It's gorgeous undies model Dan Carter, with a 59.8% likeness! Who would have believed it? But those algorithms don't lie! Miss K Beautiful Miss K from K' Road would just love to get into a scrum and we're sure she'd score on the field. Let's run her glamorous features past the computer… Well the hair is a tiny bit different, but the likeness is unmistakeable. Christchurch Boys' High School old boy Aaron Mauger and Miss K must surely be long-lost siblings, with a 60.88% likeness. Miss Gloriousole Underneath that oh-so-subtle make-up and just-stepped-out-of-a-circus-show hair, which All Black might Hamilton's finest hostess and live singer Miss Gloriousole look like? Only the world's best openside flanker Richie McCaw, with a score of 63.72%! We think Gloriousole has more facial stubble though. And the winner is… Those very expensive judging circuits inside Weetbix's magical mystery machine have found our winner… the NZ drag queen legend who looks most like an All Black. Can we have the envelope please? It's Auckland's Family bar hostess, former Gay Men's Health safe-sex promoter and soon-to-be Ministry of Social Development motivational trainer Buckwheat! With a hefty score of 70.31%, she and All Black centre Conrad Smith are the best looky-likey match. Well done Buckie and Conrad! So there you have it. Check out Weetbix's Face 2 Face with the All Blacks website at and see if you look more like one of the All Blacks than our favourite drag divas do. Frocks optional! Matt Akersten - 4th September 2007    

Credit: Matt Akersten

First published: Tuesday, 4th September 2007 - 11:28pm

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