Week 3 Wednesday Last night was the first fart-free night since I started back on the pills. A huge relief as my arsehole is now bleeding slightly every time I wipe it and seriously sore when I fart. Runny shits continue, but the tingling in the fingers is less. Numbness persists, but why is it in only some fingers and toes and not others? I've never been an early riser but am now finding it quite impossible to be out of bed before 10.30 or 11am. Then I have just enough energy to sustain things through till early afternoon when I have to doze for a few hours, till about 5pm. Then I can muster enough energy for a couple of hours more, though I'm not doing anything much. Most side-effects continue but I know from experience that most will pass and the ones that remain will be less problematic than at present. Still, I can't work out why I'm having such severe reactions this time around when the first time I went on this combination was not so bad. Spoke with HIV treatment person at Auckland hospital and they're not sure either. They are worried by the headaches and diahroea and suggest I come in if things get worse. They're worried about dehydration but I'm not convinced of the connection and I don't feel dried out. Said I'd at least phone them if things get worse, but suspect things will get better soon. Taking tonight's pills was an effort in willpower. Thursday Bad sweats again last night, very little sleep. Headache all night, and one side-effect I thought I was not getting this time round has arrived... very sensitive lips and nostrils. Eating is a major effort due to that and loss of appetite and loss of sense of taste except the cement taste which is there nearly all the time. Swallowing the pills is almost impossible, but that's mainly a psychological thing. Couldn't do it this morning and missed a dose. Just stood in the kitchen with the pills in one hand and glass of water in the other and couldn't bring myself to take them. I know I'm not actually sick, just getting reactions from the bloody pills. Taking them feels like poisoning myself. Disgusted at giving in to these feelings of revulsion. Went to work for 2 hours, walked home like an old man, slowly and deliberately, trying not to aggravate already queasy stomach. Rang a friend who also had strong reactions to this combination (mostly it's the Ritonavir doing it) who advised me to give up. Said he did and went onto another, easier combination, though he had to fly to Australia every few months to get one of the drugs. Maybe I'm bloody minded but I don't want these little poisonous things to beat me. I want to show him I can do it and most important I don't want to throw away a probably irreplaceable combination without a damned good fight and I've got a fair bit of fight left in me I reckon. Friday Roll call of fucking miseries: shits, farting, night sweats, numb and/or tingling fingers and toes, itchy skin, sore lips and nose, queasiness sometimes to the point of dry retching and puking a little. Low energy, loss of appetite and taste, foul cement taste in mouth, occasional headaches, especially around midday or from 10pm. Spent a couple of hours on the net looking for ways to alleviate symptoms, not much advice available. Apparently chocolate masks the cementy taste but who can eat chocolate all day? Reached a low point food-wise today... realised I have eaten nothing but white bread banana sandwiches moistened in milk for two days. It's the only thing that doesn't assault my senses, make me queasy or hurt the throat. Tried the chocolate cure but anything strongly flavoured creates a kind of electrical explosion in my mouth, enough to stop me in my tracks and bring tears to the eyes. That's why I had to stop the bits of cheese I was having occasionally, and the sweets. Spoke with another guy who's been through this, he suggested that the symptoms would soon diminish but the tiredness in particular would remain. He found that his last two pill combinations tired him out constantly and he has retired early from work. Now just doing a part-time job, a few hours a week. He's lucky he's old enough to be financially settled and has a partner still working. Downed Lomotils till the shits subsided and put in two hours at work. Drove to supermarket and wandered the aisles trying to think of things I might be able to eat. The whole place made me queasy so came away empty-handed. Tried Weetbix in warm water and survived! Saturday The Weetbix is a godsend, and it seems to be settling my stomach. Porridge for lunch and that went down ok too. Perhaps things are looking up. Sister rang, offering again to take time off work and come to Auckland to "babysit" me (my words, not hers). I was tempted but I'm not sure that there's much she can do. Sunday Sweats bad again last night after a couple of nights just being sticky. Had to strip the bedclothes by 5am. A sweet couple of friends had offered to take me for a drive for a change of scenery this afternoon but I'm not up to it. Good news is my arsehole has stopped bleeding... I'm taking Lomotils every second day and gingerly cleaning arse by squatting over a bowl of warm water, splashing gently and dabbing dry with soft rags torn off old towels. Farts are less frequent too, but smell much, much worse! Have missed another dose of pills somewhere along the line, probably last night when I fell asleep on the couch watching a video then crawled off to bed. Monday Usual tired GayNZ.com - 13th October 2004
Credit: John Stone; GayNZ.com
First published: Wednesday, 13th October 2004 - 12:00pm