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Obituary: Bad Girls' James Fenner (1960 - 2005)

Sun 9 Apr 2006 In: Television View at NDHA

James Fenner On TVNZ's dykonic hit Bad Girls, evil Chief Prison Officer Jim Fenner was deaded after everyone at Her Majestys Prison Larkhill finally got sick of the corrupt, machiavellean, homophobic and misogynist old git. Let's face it, there must be a Buddha, because Jimbo had Bad Karma written all over him. We first met Fenner in 1999, when Bad Girls first aired and promptly enslaved lesbonic audiences anywhere it aired. One's sapphic workmates could be heard talking about nothing else at work. However, none of this tells us anything about Jim Fenner. It can now be revealed that Jimbo was brought up in an SM nuns orphanage. After repeated thwackery with rulers, and heavily breathing Darth Vaderoid figures hovering in his teenage years, Jim left custody turned into a creep who didn't really like women - who promptly returned the favour. He soon discovered that gay men didn't want him either, due to the fact that he'd prematurely developed bags under his eyes, manbreasts and a saggy bum. On accidentally encountering Prisoner Cell Block H on telly, Jim fell in love with Maggie Fitzpatrick, and joined the prison service to emulate his ideal woman. This may explain the Karen Betts, drag and fake wig incident last year. Or not. At Larkhill, he was determined to get to the top, and proceeded to lie, cheat, steal, frame, fake evidence, run over, murder and marry Di Barker, to name some of his more heinous offences. Meanwhile, both officers and inmates were getting heartily sick of the poisonous old tosser. Even gayboy Governor Neil Grayling had to get really, really drunk before he made his celebrated 'pass' at Fenner, but realised that as he didn't have a middle-aged-bloke-with-saggy-manbreasts-and-bum fetish, their relationship could go nowhere. Traumatised by his narrow escape from gayboyhell, Neil proceeded on a string of relationships with younger men, much to the chagrin of Evil Fenner, who got pissed off that both sexual orientations couldn't stand him, and pouted for most of the ensuing couple of years. After running over someone in drag, killing off alpha female inmate Yvonne Atkins, marrying Di Barker, and casting aspersions on the prison where he was temporarily incarcerated for not having anyone who considered him even vaguely homoerotic, Fenner somehow returned to Larkhill and became Wing Governor. However, he should have left well enough alone. Soon everyone got rather tired of the unconvincing plot twists that kept getting him off virtually every time it looked like something averse was going to happen to him. Di became aware that fancying Fenner was a sign of a distinct paraphilia, saggymanbreastandarsed-osis, and fled him in shame, after trying to get a sprog into the picture. Meanwhile, the inmates had found out that Fenner had murdered poor Yvonne, and constructed a shrine. Someone slipped a stray Buddha into it, and belated karmic accounting convinced the Higher Powers that he Deserved to Get It, Big Time. Showing the charming innocence and altruism that we have come to admire in them, virtually everyone at Larkhill then resorted to assorted ingenious means of carking the old tosser. The Julies resorted to poisonous candle wicks, Darlene and Janine lobbed a rat-poisoned blowdart needle at him, Neil poisoned his whiskey, and a certain someone slashed him with a knife and ruptured his jugular. Finally, Fenner was deaded by repeated overkill, after having absorbed enough poison to fill an entire Judith Collins dossier. After multifaith exorcism services to insure that he didn't come back, Fenner's soul is now lodged somewhere in an infernal region, with drooling SM nuns chasing him, determined to re-enact the Inquisition on his throbbing ruler- thwacked bottom, which they find strangely attracted. And he then gets dressed in a gingham frock and is forced to pole-dance for the cast of Footballers Wives, who are also down there for multiple infractions against the acting profession... Craig Young - 9th April 2006    

Credit: Craig Young

First published: Sunday, 9th April 2006 - 12:00pm

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