Wed 30 Nov 2005 In: Ask Our Expert View at Wayback View at NDHA
Michael says he's in emotional and mental turmoil because the love of his life is obsessed with random sexual encounters with other men. Micheal writes: I've just turned 20 and have been in my first serious gay relationship for almost 6 months now after nearly giving up because I was over the whole hooking up/internet dating thing. From the start of the relationship I stopped going onto dating sites and the like, stopped chatting up boys, barely think about hooking up with another guy even if some attractive guy is checking me out! I'm 110% committed to the relationship! Now why is that my 25yo boyfriend can't give up his obsession with personals sites, posting nude pictures of himself online and frikkin exchanging explicit msgs/texts to random bois or, as I've found out, shagging some guy in the park! How do I get him to admit to what he's doing and understand how it's affecting me emotionally/mentally because I love him to bits. Bill says: Synchronising love - getting the two of you into the same phase of the same kind of love - is a difficult task. And it's magical when it is achieved. It requires patience, sensitivity, listening, explaining where you're coming from, and sheer luck. Especially if that early phase of intense passion seems often to be of unequal intensity for the two people, or to last longer for one than the other, which is why most relationship endings are actually fairly early on. Couples often don't give each other the necessary time to get the cogs going in synch, or to discover their underlying compatibility. Of course some people ARE incompatible. Perhaps you are wholly and deeply monogamous? And perhaps he is a skank, right to the bone, who you're never going to be able to change and is going to live his whole life as a skank? Skanks may be capable of passionate, committed and devoted love, but as a breed, we're not the best partners for someone who needs the kind of commitment that involves perfect sexual “faithfulness”. But sometimes people are not as incompatible as they seem. It is worth asking yourself if you are really absolutely monogamous? Will you always be monogamous? Do you require complete monogamy from your partner? And your partner - What is it that his sexual adventures give him? What would have to happen for him not to need them, or to need them less? Are there things that he might learn about you that might make him want to modify his behaviour? Or are there things about himself that he might learn that might make him want to modify him behaviour? But people don't change easily. And, mostly, only if they want to. Jacquie says: I am going to start at the end of your letter as I see that is where the issue becomes confused and logic flies out the window. You love him to bits and his actions are hurtful and emotionally damaging... most people reading this will be able to relate to how you feel first hand. We have all been there at some time or other, and believe me that hurt does pass, eventually. And the sooner you work out that this is not the man for you the faster the healing can start. It won't be to long before you will look back and think: "How tragic I was, what did I see in that creep." It sounds like the relationship is one-sided. You are serious and your partner is using you as a doormat. He can wipe his boots on you when it suits, and you will lay there and take the crap, all for love. Just weigh up the positives and negatives in your relationship. I am sure after doing that you won't be quite so in love and I am also sure the sooner you are out of a relationship where your partner takes risks like shagging in the park (was he safe and can you ever be sure? I think you already know the answer) the better bit will be for you. I hope you have a good friend you can confide in and get the support you need. GayNZ.com - 30th November 2005