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I realised when I was quite young that I was different. Um, I had going back to my early childhood. Actually. I had, um, experiences and wanted to experiment with feelings that I didn't really understand from from quite a young age. And I had, um I think even before puberty I I may have this wrong. I don't know. Um, it's a long time ago. I'm I'm a guy who's 48 now. So, um, you know, we gotta get back [00:00:30] a long way here, but I always thought I was different. And as I got older, um, I became aware of Of what the difference was the fact that I was gay, that I found boys or men, mostly men, almost always men. Um, I'm not really into the boys or the young guys sort of thing, um, physically and sexually attractive. Um, I grew up in small town New Zealand, where that sort of thing was, um, was not acceptable, or you tried to fit in, [00:01:00] which is basically what I tried to do. Um, at 25 I got married, which was the brightest thing I ever did. Someone who turned out to be a wonderful woman, but, um, things were never quite right. Um, I guess when you live in small town New Zealand, and this was before homosexual law reform, you feel that you have to fit in. And I guess I thought, um, stupidly that by getting married, I would cure whatever problem it was that Help me or I would be able to live [00:01:30] a life that people found acceptable, and I fit in. Um, this went on, so 10 or 12 years and I was I mean, sex was purgatory. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Um, you know, they talk about people being gay over a spectrum. I mean, this purely heterosexual. And they move through a spectrum from from that through to slightly bisexual, across to bisexual, across to fully gay. And I guess I come in at the gay end of the spectrum. Um, I love men. I love sex [00:02:00] with men. So, um, I found it extremely hard, and then it got to a point where I couldn't deny basically what I was feeling. So I started to have sex with me. Um, which, um, I went at it like a man demented I guess so, Yeah. I was in my mid thirties at this stage. Um, and I needed that physical satisfaction, I guess that you get when you're gay and you have sex with me. And so [00:02:30] I had all this sort of playing around with guys and doing the dogs and all that sort of thing, things that at the time seemed totally acceptable. Which now, um, I find rather repugnant. Um, things I did that I'm not proud of. Um, a lot of other people would say, Well, hey, that's fine. That's part of exploring your sexuality and being finding the satisfaction, the sexual satisfaction and the physical satisfaction that you need to keep you going through life. Um, [00:03:00] to me, it's rather sad, but anyway, that's the situation I found myself in, And then the feelings that I had or the suffocation, I guess that I was feeling being constrained in a marriage that I didn't want, Um, not being really courageous enough to pull my way out of it, Um, it just got worse and worse, and I started to suffer physical manifestations where my health started to fail. And then something happened where I my wife was involved with [00:03:30] something that with a friend of hers, and they were going to be spending the day doing something. And I lived in Hamilton at the time and she said to me, Why don't you go away for the day? Just do something different. So I thought, I want to come to Auckland. So I came to Auckland and I got here early in the morning and I thought, Well, what am I gonna do? I don't know anybody here. So I did something that I never, ever thought I'd do. But I, um, picked up a truth newspaper and I phoned a hooker. I had sex with this guy. It turned out to be really, [00:04:00] really good. Um, the first time I think I'd had really satisfying sex, and we started to see each other, and he was an educated guy. Um, he had a degree in business management and all that sort of thing, and he was sort of working as an escort, I guess, to supplement his meagre income to put himself through university. And what have you. So, um, we used to talk a lot, and he got me to read a book called the road less travel, which I did. Um, it made me realise a lot of things. And then [00:04:30] we talked about how the life that I was living was affecting me, which was fine. I. I knew how it was affecting me. Um, and I came to the realisation that I was cheating myself. And then he turned around to me one day and he said to me, You know, you you realise you're cheating your wife as well And I said, Well, what do you mean? I said, I've taken at this at this point. I've been married 17 years and I said, Well, look, I've taken 15 years of a life away from her. He said, I, she deserves to be. I deserves for me to stay with [00:05:00] her and see it through. And he said no. He said, You've cheated her for 17 years, he said, Doesn't she deserve to be happy in her own right? To be loved as a woman should be loved. And when I heard that and thought about that, then I realised exactly what I had to do. So, um, I went and saw my wife sat down one day and we had a chat. Well, it was basically a chat. It was very, um, civil. Um, she'd come to realise that perhaps I might be gay. Um, [00:05:30] the sexual side of our marriage have practically died. Um, we had no Children. Um, I guess that was a decision I made early on that I didn't want Children because I knew. I think deep down that it was gonna come a time when, um, I was going to have to be honest about who I was and what I was. And also, I think, um, if I had Children, I felt there would be a stigma attached to them for what I had done or for the type of person [00:06:00] that I was. I realise now, now that that's probably not true. Um, Children are very accepting, and I find in the circles within which I mix where I work, um, and socialise. And what have you that, um, my homosexuality is not is just not an issue. Um, I'm accepted totally for who I am. I can talk openly about the life that I live. Um, the things that I do, um, that sort of thing. So, you know, it's really really cool. [00:06:30] But once we had decided to separate and that the physical manifestations of things that were going on, the health problems and that everything ceased. So, um yeah, it came to a point in my life where I was sort of at peace. I'm out to all my friends to my family. No, my parents are in their mid seventies. I believe that they would not cope at all. Well, um, with the fact that I was gay, and if I came out to them then, um it would [00:07:00] affect them, Um, emotionally. And I don't want to do that to them. I people say, You know, you should tell your parents and all that sort of thing. And I think I think every parent's reaction is that they look at themselves and think, Well, you know, what the what the hell did I do? Where the hell did I go wrong and they didn't go wrong. They didn't do anything wrong at all. It's just the physical makeup that makes up me, and there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing they can do about it, but they would feel recrimination, and I don't want them to do that. And at the same time, too, I think I'm [00:07:30] a little bit frightened that they just may turn away. Um, and I don't want that either. I'm an only child. They're the only family I have. I need their support, and I need their love, Um, moving on. From there, we come to the gay scene, which I find extremely frustrating. Um, because I'm into my late forties. Um, I'm an old man. I don't feel it. I don't act it. I don't really look at either. But, um, we brand ourselves, I think, um, for a [00:08:00] section of society that complains so loudly and wrongly about being discriminated against, I think we're more discriminatory ourselves than any other group could ever be towards us. Um, I have yet to meet a man. I have not really had a true homosexual or a gay relationship. Um, I met a guy about six weeks ago, eight weeks ago. Now it would be, um, and a situation where, um [00:08:30] he had a partner who was living overseas at the time who he was going to join at the end of the year. Um, we met. We were attracted to each other. Um, we got on so well together. We ended up having a sexual relationship, which I thought I could control, but I couldn't. Um I felt rather hard for the guy. He was only 32 very successful, extremely intelligent, charming, witty. Everything I ever wanted in a man. Um, he never really talked [00:09:00] about what he felt for me, but he kept coming back and coming back. So I know he felt something and he knew how I felt. And that's the closest I think I've ever come to being in love with a man. The things that I felt the highs and the lows, Um, I have never felt before. Um, And I find it sad that I come to this point in my life where I've never really experienced true life. Um, I find it frustrating. Um, and I've It's hard. All [00:09:30] I want is someone to love and someone to love me. But I guess it'll happen. I mean, the guy gave me back self esteem that I had lost. Um, he made me feel worthwhile and made me realise that there are guys out there who hour the type of person I want who will find me attractive. So I guess one day my day will come. I think you always remember your first. That's true. It's one of the most vivid memories I have. I think, um, he was only a young [00:10:00] guy. I was at the beach lying on the beach, sunbathing. Um, I was in my early thirties, I suppose. Ah, he was a kid of about 18. 17, 18. Like being a bit older. And he kept everywhere I went, He was right behind me. So in the end, um, I asked him what he wanted. He said, ohh. He said, I find you very attractive. I wanna have sex with you. So off we went. Um, and I was like a kid fumbling around. [00:10:30] Um, I didn't know what to do or or anything like that. Um, I just remember, um, holding him feeling like I had never, ever felt before. He was 18. He was hung like a horse. And he was so hard, I can remember that. I sacked him off. I gave him a blow job, I guess. Um Then he bolted. Um, I felt what did I feel? [00:11:00] I don't know if I like if I can remember truly what I feel now I know went looking from the following day, but he was nowhere to be found. Um, I guess it was one of those normal first encounters that most 15 or 16 year olds have. You don't know what you're doing. You're fumbling around. Um, I guess that was it. It was the start of a number of rather cheap and nasty Well, not nasty encounters, but cheap and unsatisfying encounters. I guess [00:11:30] the first few times, I guess it was OK. But after that, it each time you sort of sneak off to do it. It it sort of I don't know. I think to me, to me six, there has to be intimacy. And with intimacy, there has to be knowledge or a liking of the person that you're with. Um don't know. I just don't find it satisfying if I don't at least get to know a little bit about the person. Nowadays. You're not really looked upon. [00:12:00] And lots of instances you're not looked upon as being different or made to feel different. I don't I don't anymore. So I guess that's one of the great things about, um, law reform that I've always said this, that, um, gay people continue to live their lives much the same way as they had before, And the dire predictions of child molestation and all this sort of crap just never came to be. And that's probably the best thing that ever happened to gay is the fact that life just went on exactly the same as it always had done. [00:12:30] Be true to yourself. I think that's what you really have to be. You have to decide who you are, what you are and how you wanna live your life, and then you go and do it and like yourself, be proud of the person, not not so much as sexuality. I don't think that's important. Well, it is important to you, but be proud of the whole person that you are. Don't just base everything on your sexuality. Don't try to just [00:13:00] you justify your existence based on your sexuality or anything like that. Just be proud of the whole person that you are.
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