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Snapshot 2000 - Steve

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[00:00:00] This program is brought to you by pride in I realized when I was quite young, but I hit going back to my early childhood Actually, I hit me with feelings that I didn't really understand from from quite a young age. And I hit I think even before puberty, I might hit this wrong, I don't know, an auto mechanic on on the guys 48 now, so we know we got to get back on our way here. But I always thought I was different in as I got older. I became aware of what the difference was the fact that I was gay that I found boys and I mean, mostly men, no matter with me, I'm not really into boys to the young guys, sort of physically and sexually attractive. I grew up in small town, New Zealand, we that sort of thing was it was not acceptable, or you tried to fit in, which is actually what I tried to do. At 25, I got married, which wasn't practicing it, but it [00:01:12] turned out to be a wonderful woman. But [00:01:15] things were never quite right. [00:01:19] Guess when you live in small town, New Zealand and this was before you feel you have for them. And I can't stipulate that by getting married over here or whatever problem was without me or I would be able to live a life that people found acceptable an accident. [00:01:38] This went on for [00:01:40] 12 years. And I was I mean, [00:01:46] I was healthy, I have a head to toe. We were talking about people being gay. I respect from them in this purely introduction, I miss respect from from, from the churches of across those across the guy and I guess I came in at the game end of the spectrum, I've made some mistakes with meantime, I found it extremely hard. And then it got to a point where I couldn't deny basically what I was feeling with me. [00:02:17] Which, [00:02:20] like, I mean, to me that it was in my mid 30s at the stage. And I needed that physical effects. And I guess that you get when you get sick of me into playing around with guys and doing the box and all that sort of thing, things that at the time seemed totally acceptable, which now I find repugnant [00:02:49] things I did that I'm not proud of [00:02:53] a lot of other people would like to find this part of exploring sexuality and being on in satisfaction to sensation in the physical sensation that you need to keep going through life. To me, it's rather fate. But anyway, in that situation, I found myself and I mean, [00:03:11] the feeling that I [00:03:12] had, or the edification I give it I'm feeling being constrained in a marriage that I didn't want. Not being really courageous enough to pull my way out of it. I just got worse and worse. And I started to suffer physical manifestations with my health started to fail. [00:03:30] And then something happened where I, [00:03:33] my wife was involved with something that was afraid to face and that we're going to be spending the day doing something and I wasn't able to enough time in the day to do something different class, I don't come to OpenStack can talk when I got here in the morning, and what am I gonna do, I don't know anybody. So I did something that I never even saw that day, but I close in. I was trying to be really, really good. The system, I think it really satisfied with each other. And it was an educated guy. He had a degree in business management and all this sort of thing. And he was sort of waking. Anthony screwed it up for me as media encounter, after university, my abc news to talk a lot in he got me to read a book called The road less traveled, which I did. It made me realize a lot of things. And then we talked about how the life that I was living was affecting me. [00:04:40] Which was fine. I knew how it was affecting me. [00:04:44] And I came to the realization that I was cheating myself. And then he came to me one day and he said to me now you realize you're cheating your wife as well. And I said, Well, what do you may not have taken at this point, I've been married 17 years and I said we'll look at 1015 years of your life Mama. [00:05:01] She deserves to be [00:05:03] this me to die with that and see it through, makes it nice educated at 17 years is it doesn't she deserve to be happy and around right to be left as a woman should be left. And when I hit that and thought about that, then I realized exactly what I had to do so. [00:05:19] So my wife sat down with me had a chat [00:05:24] with very high level [00:05:29] she came to realize that I might be gay, the sexual side of our marriage and practically died. We have no children. And I guess it was a decision I made early on that I didn't want children. Because I knew deep down it was going to come a time when I was going to have to be honest about who I was the most I was. And also I think if I had children, I'd stop there would be a stigma attached to them for what I had done, or for the type of person that I was. I realize now now that that's probably not true. And children are very accepting. And I find in circles within which I met, where I work in specialized in whatever that [00:06:19] my homosexuality is not jealous, just not initially [00:06:24] accepted totally for who I am, I can talk openly about the life that I live. And the things that I do that sort of thing. So you know, it's really, really cool. But once we're in the physical manifestations of things that were going on the health problems and that everything [00:06:45] came to a point in my life where I was sort of a paste [00:06:50] map to my friends to my family. Now my parents are in the mid 70s [00:06:56] I believe that they would not keep it all well. [00:07:00] I was kind of I came in [00:07:04] with a fake name, emotionally. And I don't want to do that to them. I people say you know, you should tell your parents know that sort of thing. And I think I think every parent reaction is that they look at themselves and say, Well, you know what, what the hell did I do? Where the hell did I go wrong, and I didn't go wrong. I didn't do anything wrong at all. It's just the physical makeup that makes up me, and there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I can do about it. But I would feel recrimination and I wouldn't do that. At the same time, too. I think I'm a little bit frightened that I just my turn away. And I don't want that either. I'm an only child with the only family I have, I need the support and I need the love. Moving on from there, we can click a thing which I find extremely frustrating. Because I'm into my late 40s I'm an old man, I don't feel it. I don't act up I don't really look at either. But [00:08:00] we find ourselves like a [00:08:06] fictional society that complained so loudly, loudly that being discriminated against I think we more discriminatory f7 any ethnic group at the BT awards. I have yet to make a main I've not really had a true homosexual or gay relationship. I made a guy about six weeks ago night weeks ago net with me. And he had apartment I was living overseas at the time, who he was going to join at the end of the year. We may we were attracted to each other. We couldn't play well together we ended up having a sexual relationship which I thought I could control but I couldn't have a guy was me 52 very successful, extremely intelligent, charming with a everything I ever wanted in the name. He never really talked about what he felt for me but he kept coming back and coming back so I know he felt something and then you have I felt and that's the closest I think I've ever come to being in love with the main things that I felt the highs and the lows I have never felt before. [00:09:19] And I find that said that [00:09:22] I come to this point in my life where I've never really experienced turnoff. [00:09:28] I find it frustrating in [00:09:32] a time so I wanted someone to love and someone to love me happen. I mean the guy gave me fake self esteem that I had lost he made me feel we were worthwhile and might be realized that there are guys out there who are the type of person I want to find me attractive. So I guess one day my day will come [00:10:00] Curtis and the semester that means I have I think [00:10:04] Anthony and I was at page one. [00:10:13] I was a kid of the that I think able to [00:10:16] benefit all [00:10:19] everywhere I went he was right behind me. He wanted [00:10:26] to own it. off we went [00:10:30] and I was like I kept humbling around. I didn't know what to do. or anything like that. [00:10:40] I just remember [00:10:43] holding a [00:10:45] feeling like I had never ever felt before. It was it was it was so hard I can remember that. Okay. [00:11:02] I felt [00:11:05] like I can remember clearly what I feel now. And I went looking from the following it was nowhere to be found. Like a [00:11:15] normal Fest in Kansas [00:11:16] that must sustain a 16 year old you don't know what you're doing you fumbling around [00:11:23] I guess that was that [00:11:25] was the start of a number for the cheaper than nothing. And Atlassian Kansas with cheap and unsatisfying Kansas fishy towns I guess it was I kind of it activated each time you sort of sneaked off to do [00:11:42] what it meant to [00:11:47] be intimate with intimacy has to be number two for a while here the person that you were trying to find your identity least get to know a little bit about the person. Nowadays, you're not really looked upon and lots of instances you know, honestly, different omega feel different. Identity more. I get it from the great things about lower form. Whether what's the guy people continue to realize much the same way as they had before and the dire predictions of child molestation and over sort of crap just never came to be. That's probably the best thing that ever happened to guys the fact that life just went on exactly the same as it always has. betrayed you yourself. I think that's what you really have to be. You have to decide who you are, what you are and how you want to live your [00:12:45] life. And then you can do that. [00:12:47] And like yourself, be proud of the person not not so much your sexuality. I don't think that's important models important to you, but be proud of the whole person that you don't basically present on your sexuality. Don't try to judge your justify your existence based on your sexuality or anything like that. Just be proud of the whole person that you are

This page features computer generated text of the source audio. It is not a transcript, it has not been checked by humans and will contain many errors. However it is useful for searching on keywords and themes.