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Nikki Carlson

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[00:00:00] This program is brought to you by pride in [00:00:05] Nick Carlson on idol was, you know, who I've been from a very young age chasing a dream of wanting to sing. And I entered New Zealand idol, mostly for my grandmother who was dying at the time. And I wanted to entertain her as she was dying basically on a deathbed. And she died two weeks after the show had finished. So, you know, I bought a lot of joy to watch week to week. And it was very exciting, and it made me happy. So that's a real fulfilling feeling. For me, I didn't do it for any other reason, I didn't think I was going to be, you know, a big recording artist or anything, because I'd seen previous people in New Zealand on these shows, and I'd seen what had happened to them. And it wasn't for me. I mean, of course, I would love a record. But that wasn't the driving force that was too short for my grandma. But after I did the show, I just loved the whole experience was really exciting. It was Showtime, it was lights and camera it was it was so cool. And I got a lot of work out of it. After the show, I was traveling around New Zealand, I went overseas got to perform with, you know, lots of Kiwi artists like Eddie's Nisha mystic. Got to go to the islands and perform. I mean, it was just very, very exciting. So it actually turned out to be a great thing. Which I didn't expect. I just thought I was doing it for my grandmother, but I got so much out of it as well. And I just worked for about five years, singing around the place. [00:01:45] Because musics always been a big part of your life as [00:01:48] I started singing when I was four, you know, I started doing little shows for my family at home. And so they they saw this entertainment side of me at the age of four. And so they took me along to this country music club, where every single I could get up and sing a song. So I don't believe I actually could sing when I first went along. But I've seen some footage of me and I was quite out of tune. I think it's that I had the the passion and the interest to want to do it that I keep practicing. And so as I got older, you know, before teenage years, I had definitely gotten shown and got better. So yeah, I just always had a patient from a very young age to want to sing. It's still a patient in me, but it's definitely been put to the side while I transitioned into a female. [00:02:35] And just in terms of the scene, I mean, you've had a lot of success. I mean, prior to ended idol. I mean, you were kind of right up there when you're in the country music scene. [00:02:43] Yeah, [00:02:44] I had a really cool little career from four till about 21 years old. And I traveled around New Zealand entering competitions, and I'd always come top three. And I was winning lots of lots of money for a young person spinning it as quick as it came in. But like $1,000 here, hundreds here, like quite a bit, just winning competitions. And I got to sing with some very talented people. We had some beautiful groups, and Juliet's absolutely loved it. [00:03:15] So what is it like as a young person being on stage and being judged a lot of the time in terms of how you look in your performance. [00:03:24] I feel like it feels quite normal to me, because I started so young. [00:03:28] There was always that [00:03:30] thing where you're seeking approval and wanting to be good and wanting to get good comments. So I felt I felt that from a very young age of [00:03:40] getting that validation and hoping to win. [00:03:44] And be able to perform in the big concerts and get trophies and you know, just have success, like there was definitely that feeling from a young age. [00:03:53] Do you think it really kind of focused your mind on getting kind of external validation rather than just you know, being yourself? I mean, did you need other people to say that you are a success? [00:04:06] And my life, I've definitely seek approval from people. And maybe it stemmed from that. Always wanted to be told that you were looking good sounding good. Good. You know, I was always seeking their approval. I think as I've gotten older, I've realized that I have to approve of myself, I have to love myself and get that validation from myself. Otherwise, I'm depending too much on the outside world. And if they don't like me, I could crumble because I don't have that self esteem inside. And that's what I'm learning at the moment and what I've been doing for the for my, in my older years. Yeah. [00:04:44] So one of the interesting things with competitions, like New Zealand idol is that they always seem to require a backstory, or they always want to kind of get to know you kind of more personally, how did you find that? [00:04:58] I was actually quite well, awkward and front of the camera, when it came to the talking parts. just nervous about you know, when they say action you're on like, just to produce something interesting. I felt a bit pressured. You know. [00:05:14] I mean, there had been some talk about you kind of coming out. I mean, was there ever going to be something that you would do on New Zealand Island. [00:05:23] They asked me if I wanted to talk about it on TV. But honestly, I didn't feel comfortable or even interested to share that part of me on a music show. I was either saying, and I didn't feel to get that personal. With that show. It wasn't where I wanted to do it. It wasn't. I knew at the time, it wasn't the platform that I wanted to speak about it. I never actually spoke about being gay publicly. But in my personal life, I was very open that I was gay. I feel more comfortable to talk about it now. Also being transgender, I am very comfortable to talk about that now, more than I ever was back then. It's just a gay man. It didn't feel right. It didn't feel like the time to do it. But there were definitely poking and prodding me trying to get me to speak about different things. [00:06:15] So can you take me back to your childhood and talk about I suppose the discovery of your sexuality, but also your gender identification and whether they haven't at the same time, or [00:06:25] I actually think that the gender realization that I wanted to be a girl actually came before feeling that I was attracted to me. I remember from four onwards, having the feeling that I wanted to be a girl wanted to be the high heels wanted to dress up had a lots of girlfriends was into the long hair, the makeup was attracted to female pop singers that were dancing around looking pretty, like I was just always drawn to that kind of thing. And my soul was quite feminine. It wasn't till about 12 there's a thing that I realized I was attracted to mean, when puberty kicked. I just felt drawn to males I was attracted to males never female via so that didn't come from later. I think the gender thing happened first. [00:07:13] And how did your family deal with it? [00:07:17] Honestly, my family [00:07:19] accepted me and loved me, embrace me. Right from the start. I showed signs of being different right from the start. Everybody knew that I was going to be gay. The way I dressed the way I acted and walked and talked. They could see it and I was never ever made to feel from any of my family. Like it was wrong. uncle's Auntie's cousins. And especially mom and dad and my brother, I never was made to feel like what was wrong? They loved me. [00:07:50] Yeah. And how did you feel about that? I think I think the problem was more with me, then. [00:08:00] with anyone else it was, I was. I was the one that was struggling with it the most, I think. I felt different. I felt sad and lonely at different times. I yeah, I just felt like a minority. Like definitely, I wasn't part of the majority. And that's quite, [00:08:22] that was quite hard to accept. [00:08:27] Especially at those times when you puberty, college and dicing and pimples, you know, all of that. And then you got to be a guy on top of it, or gender identity on top of that is quiet, full on. [00:08:42] Let's just paint a wee bit of a picture of like, the time we're talking about, and we saw it so you grew up in Masterton. Yeah. And what kind of years are we talking about? [00:08:54] Born in 1978, in Macedonia, and was you know, I'm a school kid during the 80s. And the 90s. went to college and intermediate and college and left home probably late 90s moved out of master. [00:09:14] So can you recall as a child and growing up any kind of reference to gay or transgender? Or was it? Did you have any inkling that there were other people out there? [00:09:28] I think as a teenager, [00:09:31] I started realizing that, you know, I was gay. [00:09:37] And then my eyes were open and started looking for people that were like myself, probably more so in my life, rather than just, you know, celebrities was I found people that I could talk to, in my life, there wasn't really anyone, I don't think that was on TV that I could really look up to admire. I know, boy, George sort of, you know, and the 80s. And he was quite different. But there wasn't anyone like a real strong character that I remember being drawn to. I was always very drawn to females I loved, you know, Whitney Houston, and [00:10:13] women, you know, and, [00:10:16] but no gay characters or anything like that. I think it was, in my real life that I met friends and was able to talk and share and feel [00:10:28] like I belonged, belong somewhere, was that [00:10:32] quite isolating the fact that you couldn't actually see yourself reflected back. So like in the media, or [00:10:41] definitely my memories of, you know, teenage years at college was definitely isolated. I don't think I came out to about 16. Even though I may have guessed that I was gay, I didn't come out to a 16. So you know, you keeping it in, you don't have anyone to look up to, at that time, me and you feeling different from the wrist. So it's quite a heavy thing to work out. For me, it created a lot of low self esteem, no confidence. probably getting into alcohol at the age of 16 to sort of escape from those sad feelings of being different. So even though I had the support of my family, I still have a quite a bit epic struggle on the inside. So, you know, I always say, I don't know what where I'd be if I didn't have the love of my family, my mom and dad and my brother, I don't know where I'd be because I already struggled with the love. If I didn't have the love, I don't know where I'd be if I'd even be here. You know, it's, it's tough. It's tough, not being part of the majority, you know, the people who are straight, they struggle with life, they struggle with day to day life, relationships, paying bills, getting job, they struggle with all that we've got to struggle with debt plus, feeling of, of being different and also hated at the same time. Some people don't like it, some people don't. Some people abuse people that are gay or trans. So you've got that on top of just life. So you know, it is pretty tough, especially when you're trying to find yourself as a teenager. That gets better as you get older. But you know, it's still a challenging [00:12:21] journey. [00:12:23] So will you tell us as a teenager? [00:12:25] Not really No, I've been called names a couple of times, but I wasn't really teased. I think I had enough backbone. Talent charisma, I think I had enough of something to be accepted by a lot of people. Also, I had a mother that was, you know, behind me, and if anyone hurt me that she would, she would have stomped on them. [00:12:50] I think there was something about me that people [00:12:54] liked. And I got through my life so far, without really being teased. But hey, I have been called names. Don't worry, I've been laughed at. I've been lifted out. You know, I've definitely experienced these things. But I've never been, you know, he'd flushed down the toilet or checked into the rubbish bin or anything like I've heard, you know, just thank God for that. [00:13:16] And it was interesting. You're saying earlier about how you think the kind of gender identity was the first thing that Yeah, we're we're off. But that sounds almost like you kind of parked that and was looking at and we're content concentrating on your say your sexuality? Yeah. Yeah. Until kind of more recently, [00:13:35] yeah, I did pack it quite a few times in my life I packed up. I remember when I was in a relationship when I was 21. I packed up, I packed it up in the background, and I was quite contained and happy in this relationship that I had with this young guy. And that actually was put on on the side. [00:13:54] It was easier to put it on the side. [00:13:57] Because I didn't really know how I was going to achieve becoming a woman. I didn't really know what was possible. I had to deal with the here. And now the fact that I was a man. And I was attracted to me. And I had to deal with that. [00:14:11] That was easier to do. Because changing into a woman. I didn't really [00:14:19] know if I could do it. I didn't have anyone to I didn't know anything about it. Really. I didn't know about hormones. I didn't know about the things you could do. I didn't really investigate that until I got older. When when the feeling became so strong, I couldn't ignore it anymore. [00:14:35] And so how do you start on that pathway? I mean, what what are the first steps for actually kind of finding out? [00:14:44] Well, my experience is [00:14:48] I had a feeling [00:14:51] of sadness, that I wasn't born a woman, and that I wanted to be a woman. But I wasn't sure if I could do it. That consumed me [00:15:04] all my life, but it got worse. [00:15:07] What I started doing was dressing up in the weekend. You know, I was living life as a man, I was traveling around singing, but I met someone who dressed up themselves. And I asked him to help me dress up. So once I started drifting out, that's where it all started. For me. I shouldn't start dressing up till I was about 2728. I had a couple of experiences when I was a teenager dressing up. But I didn't carry it on it, there was maybe two or three times that I did it as a teenager, through my 20s. I didn't do it until 2728. And once I started concentrating and going out on the weekends [00:15:48] I became addicted to, [00:15:50] to dressing as a woman. I felt sad to take it off, you know, come Sunday I and having to go back to work on Monday. As a man, I actually started feeling quite sad that I had to take it off. I wanted to do it every day. Because I had seen the female in the mirror, the female version of myself in the mirror, I'd seen it I liked it. I wanted more of it. A weekend wasn't enough. So I went from weekends to [00:16:26] taking hormones. [00:16:28] You know, and then I said at least MBC getting finding out I didn't really investigate and about how to become a woman until this time, you know, when I started cross dressing never did it as a kid teenager, just didn't get into it. [00:16:41] And then yeah, the hormones will the next level, so that I could [00:16:46] humanize myself. [00:16:49] Get rid of facial here, all that kind of stuff. [00:16:52] grow my hair longer. [00:16:56] You know, there were all these steps that I took from from when I first sat across recently what steps to become full time and living like that day to day, there were steps I had to take hormones here removal grow me here, buying the clothes, to coming out at work and start dressing at work as a as a female. I started a job as a male, halfway through, I transitioned and started coming to work dressed as a female. And I lived as a female. The job let me transition they let me dress the way I wanted to do it. The customers brought me flowers, chocolates cards, saying congratulations, I got so much encouragement saying oh, wow, you look great. Good on you. You know, I'm so proud of you. Right from the start, you know, very encouraged. So that was great. And that's really that's where it all that's where it started. As I started dressing in the weekends, it just became more and I didn't want to I didn't want to take it off. I didn't want to I felt like I'd come to the end of the road as a male. I didn't particularly want to do anymore didn't want to dress like that I found a boring. It just wasn't what I wanted to be anymore. I wanted to now get into being a female. I didn't know when I started, if I could actually pull this off. That was a risk I took like, I don't know if I'm gonna look feel feminine or female. I don't know if people can laugh at me or hurt me. I didn't know how my family would accept it. I didn't know anything. I just had to take a risk because it was such a deep desire inside of my heart. I really just took the risk to to do it. And I'm not perfect by any means. But I feel great. today. Like I mean, look, I have my struggles. And I have my good days, my bad days, but I feel great is the person that I have become. [00:18:50] Yeah, I feel comfortable. [00:18:53] I'm wondering, psychologically, is it harder actually, in that kind of transition phase where you are actually, you know, like, changing clothing from male to female throughout the week? Is that harder than when you are completely transitioned? [00:19:11] You know what I find my whole life to be a challenge. [00:19:15] I think even when things are good, they're still challenges. Even today, there's challenges after I've transitioned before transition, you said would have been a challenge as well. But I still feel challenged. I think the whole life has been a challenge to be honest, the whole thing, the whole journey from being a gay male to a cross dressing male to a transgender, pre op, transgender, to a post op. You know, it's all a challenge. And I think it's getting better. [00:19:48] But things are still challenging. [00:19:52] Being in the pre op stage, how, how easy is it to access gender reassignment surgery and Zealand. [00:20:01] I don't think it's even happening in New Zealand at the moment. There was one surgeon but apparently he's retired. So there's, there's no one, there's no one doing it. It's easy to access to go to like where I went to Thailand, Australia, it's easy to do that if you've got the money. It's easy to do that. But here in New Zealand, there's no surgeon. [00:20:26] But like, [00:20:29] I had no problem trusting where I was going to have the surgery done. This decision that I had was a leading surgeon he was a pioneer and and the way that he creates a vagina. He teaches in surgeons and doctors and in America, like I totally trusted that he was that I was in great hands. I was very, very comfortable and relaxed. I did not have any worries or they were going to step it up or anything. I was relaxed. [00:21:01] So prior to being given the opportunity, you've taken part on this TV program which offered you the surgery. What other avenues were there for you in terms of getting say surgery? Like I mean, [00:21:16] Was there another avenue? No, I was comfortably living as a pre op transgender woman, I was comfortable. I did long to have bigger boobs I did long to have a vagina. This has been a feeling that I've had a lot of my life is that I wished I had been a girl. But I was doing the best I could for my circumstance. And I presented myself as a female, but I still had male genitals. My boobs were really that big. [00:21:47] from just being on hormone therapy. [00:21:51] I just had to accept it. Like my life has been just a journey of self acceptance. I accepted myself in that moment. As soon as I found out that I was going to have surgery. Well, when I've made the decision that you know, yes, I'm going to go through with this. Everything started feeling a bit uncomfortable, you know, like downstairs was was not as comfortable as I had perceived it before. I started envisioning Oh my God, I'm gonna I'm gonna have some, I'm going to have this lovely space down the can we are, you know, bikinis and lovely underwear. And I mean, I could anyway, but like, it was just this space that would be there. Like, it started becoming uncomfortable knowing that I was gonna have the surgery, I was very excited to have this body now that I had dreamed about for a lot of my life, my boobs would be bigger, and I would have that space down there. It was exciting. So it's really funny how things became uncomfortable. From the moment I found out I was having surgery. But up until then, I was just accepting of my situation, because there's nothing else I could do at that point. [00:22:58] So the program that we're been referring to is beauty beauty in the beach. Yeah. Tell me, how did you get that opportunity? [00:23:06] Well, I knew one of the ladies that is on the show who had surgery. I knew her as a child when I was singing and my country music days. And I didn't know this but she was over in Thailand being filmed having surgery is one of the people it's one of the clients. Now she heard them talking saying that they were looking for a transgender person to to have gender reassignment surgery. Have the facial feminization have boobs, like whatever the person needed, they were going to, they weren't what they were looking for someone that wanted to do that. I didn't have facial feminization. I just had gender reassignment surgery embraced augmentation. So she heard this, and she had seen that I've been transitioning on Facebook. So she wrote me a beautiful email. I got the email at like seven in the morning, one day, I read it quickly. And then I went to work. And I kept thinking, Oh, I must go and check out what she's talking about. She had said, You know, I don't know if this is for you. But please check it out. You might be interested. So I went on and had a look at about two o'clock that day. And I saw that they were offering surgery it was to be filmed. I thought it was give it a go. I filled out the details and just answered all the questions seem that way. It's about 230 by five 530 that night, that very same day, I have got a call saying we want you. I mean, I couldn't believe it. I say what what do you want me for? Exactly as this To be honest, like, Am I am I reading this right? Are we going to Thailand to do this? They explained to me what it was and I couldn't believe it. I could not believe that this is one of the sky. And it's like applying for a job. You don't expect to hear from them straight away. You think wakes? Well, I did not expect to hear from anybody for ages. And I heard that that night, saying we are so impressed with your story we want you. So they told me that you know I was going to have gender reassignment surgery and breast augmentation I had to go to be for three days to comprehend this and to really think like, do I really want to do this in front of the cameras, I mean, [00:25:18] have a lot of hon situation you know, [00:25:22] I don't know if I can do that. So I really had to go to be it. I was just like, knocked off my feet really, I had to go to beat. And then I was being encouraged by my family and friends around saying you should do it [00:25:35] might be able to help someone [00:25:38] you will find just just be yourself. Just go through it. And so I was encouraged, I was raised up to you know, think oh, I should do this. [00:25:46] And I did that. [00:25:48] I went over to Thailand, and I had an amazing experience. Like it was a really ultimate moment of my life. And also also I couldn't believe and the others around me couldn't believe how relaxed I was about what was happening to me. They were scared. They were nervous. I were like, how's Nikki going to cope with this? You know, it's a big deal. Changing your genitals and you know, like, are you going to be okay? For me, I was just so really relaxed and trusting. And the whole process that I just went through it with ease and and what really helped was the people behind the camera. They just supported and respected and loved me through the process. And I was there for three weeks, and we became very close. And that really helped me to be comfortable in front of the camera to share my story. And to feel safe as I went through the surgeries, I've never been knocked out, you know, I've never been put under. I was nervous when I wake up, you know that I was fearful. embraced by the people behind the camera. I didn't have any family at all there or anything. It was the people behind the camera that were really looking after me. And they made it a beautiful experience. [00:27:12] And then my right I'm thinking this was like the first time in New Zealand but gender reassignment surgery has happened in front of cameras. [00:27:21] I do believe it is the first to be documented so closely. I've never seen anything like that before on TV. And I mean, yeah, show me if there is that's that's fine. But like I've been told from outside as it's the first and, and I I haven't seen anything so I you know, I feel like it's and especially the way it was done. I feel like that it's a first maybe, you know, it's been mentioned in documentaries, but it's never been followed quite like quite so closely. And ultimately, like mine was followed because they [00:27:56] were right in there in the surgeries when they like they were right there. [00:27:59] mean one of the cameraman he saw me from before and after, right before his eyes, he saw exactly how they did it. I mean, they didn't show that on TV. But you know, he's got he's got camera. He's got camera footage of that he's got pictures, he's got memories of seeing that happen. [00:28:19] It's one thing going through that surgery. It's another thing having it on public TV. What was that, like? Seeing your story seeing yourself? [00:28:32] Well, to be honest, I actually saw the show before it aired on TV, probably months, and months before I appeared on TV, I had time to get myself prepared for it. I also very I watched it about at times, I very quickly became comfortable with the way they put it together and the way they presented me. I found solitude and comfort and the way they do dead because it could have been that reality TV, it could have been done in a bad way. Not so caring, not so much heart not so much with speech, you know. So they, they had to keep that in my mind that has been done well, and I'm comfortable with it, there was some embarrassing moments that I hate to, you know, swallow. And I'm just talking about, like bad shots of myself, you know, like, really, I wouldn't have chosen this shot, you could have taken that shot, not the beer, but close, you know, step back, you know, moments like that. But I mean, get over yourself. I you know, I was very lucky that they didn't show private parts of my body before or after. I mean, they showed boobs but nothing else. When I watched it live on TV, when I went to ear, I was very anxious and nervous, you know, knowing that. And the whole program, I'd watch it at times before, but the whole program just seemed so fresh thinking oh, my God, even seeing me do that. Oh, God even seeing me say that all How embarrassing. Oh, no, you know, like, it was quite anxious moment. I was nervous and embarrassed. But ultimately, at the end of the day, this is my life. And this is what happened. I just have to accept it. And I'm very grateful, once again, that they did a really respectful job, but the way they put it together. [00:30:24] And I guess that's one thing in terms of how respectful the crew and production company were. But you actually don't know how the general audience the general society is going to react to it. I mean, if it's never been seen on TV before, what were your I mean, did you have kind of anxieties before it went? We're totally Yeah. [00:30:45] I mean, this happened. I mean, [00:30:49] when it appeared on TV, this had happened several months prior. So I had seven months of thinking about what was going to be like [00:31:01] anxious, nervous, excited. [00:31:05] I also like, anonymity, like there's a part of me that really enjoys no one knowing who I am. And I can just, you know, follow him around and just do it. You know, no one knows anything about me. I was nervous about, you know, this is such a, like a real, intimate, personal story of my life, people are going to know, but I but much about me, you know, I was nervous about all of that. I was nervous if I would get bullied or called names I was I was definitely nervous about quite a few things, and said about losing in anonymity. But after the show aired, I don't feel like much has changed that much. A lot of people didn't even say it. So there's an element of anonymity still there with I don't know me. And then the people that have seen that have been so kind to me. Nothing much has changed. Like, I just get the odd person that might say congratulations, or well done. That was great. Maybe a few more people stare but that's not that's not what I was scared of, like, nine calling or anything like that. It still may come I don't know. But it's not bad. [00:32:25] So after when Twitter, I mean, were you contacted by you know, other people in the community? Either offering support or asking questions or how's that been? [00:32:36] So the very night that it appeared on TV and four days after I got hundreds and hundreds of personal messages on Facebook, people just sending me a lovely supportive, encouraging messages. so overwhelming. really heartwarming to have these people that I don't know, message me straight, gay, transgender. I mean, woman all sorts just misses you mean congratulating me? Something I will I will choose to never forget. I just loved getting those messages. [00:33:14] So what would your advice now be to say young person questioning the gender identity or sexuality? [00:33:22] Find someone to talk to. [00:33:24] I found from a very young age, I found help. And talking to professionals, counselors, therapists. I think it's very important to verbalize what you're feeling. That's where I would start with someone who is at the start of the journey of being gay or transgender. is finding someone to talk to and and verbalize it, get it out there. [00:33:54] When you reflect back on your own life, do you kind of compartmentalize lives? You know, the Nicholson and the Nicky Coulson? Do they? I mean, do they? Do they both still exist? [00:34:08] Yes. Actually, it just feels like it just feels like me. People say to me, oh, you look so different. Like I didn't even recognize it. It was you're all you've changed so much. And it seems like a different person when I see you as a male or now it is it's like, but for me, it just seems like the same person. But just the image has changed. But when I see old footage of myself, and people say to me, how does it feel looking at it now I'm like, [00:34:39] just me. It just feels like me. [00:34:43] It feels like a distant memory now. And it's gone. Like that image that that image, I will say not the person but the image is gone. I don't look like that anymore. I don't drink anymore. But the person I mean, it's me. I mean, I just feel like this me. Yeah. [00:35:03] So what next from the godly [00:35:08] life surprises you with what what happens? You can have goals and dreams and desires and hopes. But sometimes you get we go on another track, you know, it's not necessarily what you would think, thinking that would happen or that you dream to happen. I don't know. I've got dreams and aspirations of music and [00:35:30] working with gay and trans people and fashion and [00:35:36] got all sorts of different goals and dreams, marriage, you know, relationship. [00:35:42] But I don't know what I don't know what's going to happen. [00:35:46] I mean, I didn't know that this was going to happen to me to be honest. I didn't know that was going to be publicly you know, on a on a documentary. I didn't know that that would happen. So I don't know. I just was just working on my mental health. I'm just working on my state of mind. I'm just trying to be the happiest and best that I can be. It's a journey. It's a challenge. And [00:36:12] I think that's forefront as just being [00:36:18] being at peace with myself and being happy and being the best I can to you know, welcome amazing things into my life. You know, feeling good. I want to feel good. I want to be good. Yeah.

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