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Nick Carson on Idol was You know who I've been from a very young age chasing a dream of wanting to sing. And I entered New Zealand Idol mostly for my grandmother, who was dying at the time, and I wanted to entertain her as she was dying, basically on her death bed, and she died two weeks after the show had finished. So, you know, it brought her a lot of joy to watch week [00:00:30] to week, and it was very exciting and it made her happy. So that's a real fulfilling feeling for me. I didn't do it for any other reason. I didn't think I was going to be, you know, a big recording artist or anything, because I'd seen previous people in New Zealand on these shows and I'd seen what had happened to them, and it wasn't for me. I mean, of course I would love a record, but it that wasn't the driving force. It was to do it for my grandmother, Um, but after I did the show, I just [00:01:00] loved the whole experience. It was really exciting. It was show time. It was lights and camera. It was it was so cool and I got a lot of work out of it. After the show, I was travelling around New Zealand. I went overseas, got to perform with, you know, lots of Kiwi artists like a my, um got to go to the islands and perform. I mean, it was just very, very exciting. So it actually, um, turned out to be a great thing, which [00:01:30] I didn't expect. I just thought I was doing it for my grandmother. But I got so much out of it as well. And I just worked for about five years, um, singing around the place because music has always been a big part of your life. I started singing when I was four, you know, I started doing little shows for my family at home, and so they they saw this entertainment side of me at the age of four. And so they took me along to this country music club where every Sunday I could up and sing a song. So I don't believe I actually could sing when I first went along. [00:02:00] But I've seen some footage of me and I was quite out of tune. I think it's that I had the the passion and the interest to want to do it that I keep practising. And so as I got older, you know, before, um, teenage years I had definitely got in tune and, um, got better. So yeah, I just always had a passion from a very young age to want to sing. It's still a passion in me, but it's definitely been, um, put to the side while I transitioned into a female [00:02:30] and just in terms of the scene, I mean, you've had a lot of success. I mean, prior to NZ idol, I mean, you were you were kind of right up there, Weren't you? In the country music scene? Yeah, I had, um, a really cool little career from four till about 21 years old. And I travelled around New Zealand entering competitions, and I'd always come top three. Um, and I was winning lots of lots of money for a young person, um, spending it as quick as it came in, but I think it looked like $1000 here, Um, [00:03:00] hundreds here, like, quite a bit, just winning competitions. And I got to sing with some very talented people. We had some beautiful groups and duets absolutely loved it. So what is it like as a young person being on stage and being judged a lot of the time in terms of how you look in in your performance? Yeah, I feel like it feels quite normal to me because I started so young. There was always that, um, thing where you were seeking approval and wanting to be good and wanting to get good [00:03:30] comments. So I felt I felt that from a very young age of, um, getting that validation and hoping to to win, um, and be able to perform in the big concerts and get trophies and, you know, just have success. Like there was definitely that feeling from a young age. Do do you think it really kind of, um, focused your mind on getting kind of external validation rather than just, you know, being yourself? I mean, did you need other people to say [00:04:00] that you are a success in my life? I've definitely seek approval from people, and maybe it stemmed from that. Um, always wanted to be told that you were looking good. Sounding good, uh, good, you know, was always seeking that approval. I think as I've got older, I've realised that I have to approve of myself. I have to to love myself and get that validation from myself. Otherwise, I'm depending too much on the outside world. And if they don't like me, [00:04:30] I could crumble because I don't have that self esteem inside. And that's what I'm learning at the moment and and what I've been learning for the for my in my older years. Yeah. So one of the interesting things with, um, competitions like New Zealand Idol is that they always seem to require a backstory or they always want to kind of get to know you kind of more personally. How did you find that? I was actually quite a awkward in front of the camera? Um, when it came to the talking parts, um, [00:05:00] just nervous about, you know, when they say action, you're on, like, just to produce something interesting, I felt a bit pressured, you know, Um I mean, there had been some talk about you kind of coming out. I mean, was that ever gonna be something that you would do on New Zealand Island? They asked me if I wanted to talk about it on television. But honestly, I didn't feel comfortable or or even interested to share that part of me on a music show. I [00:05:30] was here to sing, and I didn't feel to to get that personal with that show. It wasn't where I wanted to do it. It wasn't. I knew at the time it wasn't the platform that I wanted to speak about it. Um, I never actually spoke about being gay publicly. But in my personal life, I was very open that I was gay. Um, I feel more comfortable to talk about it now and also being transgender I. I am very comfortable to talk about that now [00:06:00] more than I ever was back then as just a gay man. It didn't feel right. It didn't feel like the time to do it. But they were definitely poking and prodding me, trying to get me to speak about different things. So can you take me back to your childhood and talk about, um, I suppose the discovery of of your sexuality, but also your gender identification and whether they happened at the same time? Or I actually think that the gender realisation that I wanted to be a girl actually came before feeling that I was attracted to men. [00:06:30] I remember from four onwards having the feeling that I wanted to be a girl. Wanted to wear their high heels, wanted to dress up, had lots of girlfriends, was into the long hair. The makeup was attracted to female pop singers that were dancing around looking pretty like I was just always drawn to that kind of thing. And my my soul was quite feminine. Um, it wasn't till about 12 or 13 that I realised I was attracted to men when puberty kicked in. I just felt [00:07:00] drawn to males. I was attracted to males, never female. Yeah, so they didn't come to later. I think the gender thing happened first. And how did your family, um, deal with that? Honestly, my family accepted me, loved me, embraced me right from the start. I showed signs of being different right from the start. Everybody knew it that I was going to be gay. Um, the way I dressed the way I acted and walked and talked, [00:07:30] um, they could see it, and I was never ever made to feel from any of my family. like it was wrong. Uncles, aunties, cousins and especially mom and Dad and my brother. I never was made to feel like it was wrong. They loved me. Yeah. And how did you feel about it? I think I think the problem was more with me than with anyone else. It was I was. I was the one that was struggling [00:08:00] with it the most. I think, um, I felt different. I felt sad and lonely at different times. Um, I yeah, I just felt like a minority. Like, definitely I wasn't part of the majority. And that's quite that was quite hard to to accept, especially at those times when you puberty college and dating and pimples. You know all of that [00:08:30] like and then you got to be a gay on top of it or gender identity. On top of that, it's quite full on. And let's just, um, paint a wee bit of a picture of, of like, the the the time we're talking about. And? And we So So you grew up in Masterton. And what what kind of years are we talking? What? Born in 1978 in master and was, you know, AAA primary school kid during the eighties and the nineties, um, went [00:09:00] to college and in college and left home probably late nineties, moved out of master. So can you recall as a child and growing up any kind of reference to gay or transgender? Or was it Did you have any inkling that there were other people out there? I think as a teenager, I started realising that, you know, I was gay, [00:09:30] and then my eyes were open and started looking for people that were like myself, probably more so in my life rather than just, um, you know, celebrities. It was I found people that I could talk to in my life. Um, there wasn't really anyone. I don't think that was on TV that I could really look up to or admire. I know, Boy, George was sort of, you know, um, in the eighties and he was quite different. [00:10:00] But there wasn't anyone like a real strong character that I remember being drawn to. I was always very drawn to females I loved, you know, Whitney Houston and women, you know, And, um but no gay characters or anything like that. I think it was in my real life that I met friends and was able to talk and share and and feel, um, like I belonged belonged somewhere. Or what was that? Quite isolating the the fact that you couldn't actually [00:10:30] see yourself reflected back. So, like in the media or definitely my memories of, you know, teenage years at college was definitely isolated. Um, I don't think I came out to about 16. Um, even though everyone may have guessed that I was gay, I didn't come out until I was 16. So, you know, you're keeping it in. You don't have anyone to look up to at that time for me. Um, and you're feeling different from [00:11:00] the rest, So it's quite a heavy thing to to work out. Um, for me, it created a lot of low self-esteem. No confidence. Um, probably getting into alcohol at the age of 16 to sort of, um, escape from those sad feelings of being different. Um, so even though I had the support of my family, I still had quite a a big struggle on the inside. So, you know, I always say I don't know where I'd be if I didn't [00:11:30] have the love of my family, my mom and dad and my brother. I don't know where I'd be because I already struggled with their love. If I didn't have their love, I don't know where I'd be if I'd even be here. You know, it's it's tough. It is tough not being part of the majority. You know, the people who are straight, they struggle with life. They struggle with day to day life relationships, paying bills, getting jobs. They struggle with all that. Well, we've got to struggle with that, plus a feeling of of being different and and also hated at the same time. Some people don't [00:12:00] like it. Some people don't. Some people abuse people that are gay or trans. So you've got that on top of just life. Um, so you know, it is pretty tough, and especially when you're trying to find yourself as a teenager, it gets better as you get older. But, you know, it's still a a challenging journey. So were you teased as a as a teenager? Not really, no. I've been called names a couple of times, but I wasn't really teased. I think I had enough backbone, talent, charisma. [00:12:30] I think I had enough of something to be accepted by a lot of people. Um, also, I had a mother that was, you know, behind me. And if anyone hurt me that she would, she would have stomped on them. But, um, I think there was something about me that people liked, and I got through my life so far without really being teased. But, hey, I have been called names. Don't worry. I've been laughed at, um I've [00:13:00] been left out and I've definitely experienced these things, but I've never been, you know, he flushed down the toilet or chucked into the rubbish bin or anything. Like I've heard. You know, um, just thank God for that. And it was interesting. You were saying earlier about how you think the kind of gender identity was the first thing that you were aware of. But that sounds almost like you kind of parked that and was looking. And we we we were concentrating on your say your sexuality until kind [00:13:30] of. More recently. Yeah. Um I did park it quite a few times in my life. I, I parked it up. I remember when I was in a relationship when I was 21. I parked up I. I parked it up in the background and I was quite content and happy in this relationship that I had with this young guy and that actually was put on on the side. It was easier to put it on the side. Um, because I didn't really know how I was going to achieve becoming a woman. I didn't really know if it was possible. I had to deal with [00:14:00] the here and now the fact that I was a man and I was attracted to men I had to deal with that, um that was easier to to do because changing into a woman, I didn't really know if I could do it. I didn't have anyone to I didn't know anything about it. Really? I didn't know about hormones. I didn't know about the things you could do. I didn't really investigate that until I got older. When? When the, um the feeling became so strong, I couldn't ignore it anymore. [00:14:30] And so how do you start on that pathway? How? What? I mean, what's what are the first steps for? Actually kind of finding out. Well, my experience is I had a feeling of sadness, that I wasn't born a woman and that I wanted to be a woman. But I wasn't sure if I could do it. That consumed me all my life. [00:15:00] But it got worse. What I started doing was dressing up in the weekend. You know, I was living life as a man. I was travelling around singing, but I met someone who dressed up themselves, and I asked him to help me dress up. So once I started dressing up, that's where it all started for me. I actually didn't start dressing up till I was about 27 28. I had a couple of experiences when I was a teenager dressing up, but I didn't carry it on. That was I was, like, maybe two or three times that I did it as a teenager [00:15:30] through my twenties. I didn't do it until 27 28 and once I started cross dressing and going out on the weekends, I became addicted to to dressing as a woman. I felt sad to take it off, you know, come Sunday, I I and having to go back to work on Monday as a man I. I actually started feeling quite sad that I had to [00:16:00] take it off. I wanted to do it every day. Um, because I had seen the female in the mirror. The female version of myself in the mirror. I'd seen it. I liked it. I wanted more of it. A weekend wasn't enough. So it went from weekends to taking hormones, you know? And then I started investigating finding out I didn't really investigate and about how to become a woman until this time, [00:16:30] you know, when I started crossdressing never did it as a kid. Teenager just didn't get into it. Um, and then, yeah, the hormones were the next level so that I could, um, feminise myself, Um, get rid of facial hair, all that kind of stuff. Um, grow my hair longer. You know, there were all these steps that I took from from when I first started crossdressing. There were all these steps to become full time and and living like that day to day. There were steps I had to take hormones, [00:17:00] hair removal, growing my hair, buying the clothes to coming out at work and and start dressing at work as a as a female. I started a job as a male. Halfway through, I transitioned and started coming to work dressed as a female, and I left as a female. Um, the job let me transition. They let me dress the way I wanted to do it. Um, the customers brought me flowers, chocolates, cards, [00:17:30] saying Congratulations. I got so much encouragement saying, Oh, wow, you look great. Good on you. You know, I'm so proud of you right from the start, you know, very encouraged. So that was great. And that's Yeah, that's where it that's where it started as when I started dressing in the weekends. It just became more and I didn't want I didn't want to take it off. I didn't want II. I felt like I'd come to the end of the road as a male. I didn't particularly want to do that anymore. I didn't want to dress like that. I found it boring. Um, [00:18:00] it just wasn't what I wanted to be anymore. I wanted to now get into being a female. I didn't know when I started. If I could actually pull this off, it was a risk I took like I don't know if I'm gonna, like, look fem feminine or female, I don't know if people are gonna laugh at me or, um, hurt me. I didn't know how my family would accept it. I didn't know anything. I just had to take a risk because it was such a deep desire inside of my heart, I really just took the risk to to do it. And [00:18:30] I'm not perfect by any means. But I feel great today, like, I mean, like, I had my struggles, and I have my good days and my bad days. But I feel great as the person that I have become. Um, yeah, I. I feel comfortable. I'm wondering psychologically, Is it harder? Actually, in that kind of transition phase where you are, actually, you know, like changing clothing from male to female [00:19:00] throughout the week. Is that harder than when you are completely transitioned? Do you know what? I find my whole life to be? A challenge? Um, I think even when things are good, there's still challenges even today. There's challenges after I've transitioned. Um, before transition. Yes, that would have been a challenge as well. Um, but I still feel challenged. I think the whole life has been a challenge. To be honest, the whole thing, the whole journey from [00:19:30] being a gay male to a crossdressing male to a transgender, um, preop transgender to a post op, you know, it's all a challenge. And I I things get better. But things are still challenging. Being in the, um, pre-op stage. How how easy is it to access gender reassignment surgery in New Zealand? I don't think it's even happening in New Zealand at the moment. [00:20:00] There was one surgeon, but apparently he's retired. So there's there's no one. There's no one doing it. It's easy to access to go to like where I went to Phuket, Thailand, Australia. It's easy to do that if you've got the money, it's easy to do that. But here in New Zealand, there's no surgeon. But like I had no problem trusting where I was going in Phuket to have the surgery done, [00:20:30] this surgeon that I had was a leading surgeon. He was a pioneer in in the way that he creates a vagina. Um, he teaches in surgeons and doctors in America like I totally trusted that he was that I was in great hands. I was very, very comfortable and relaxed. I did not have any worries or that they were gonna stuff it up or anything. I was so relaxed. So, um, prior to being given the opportunity of [00:21:00] taking part in this television programme which offered you the surgery, what other avenues were there for you in terms of getting, say, surgery? Like, I mean, was there another avenue? No, I was, um, comfortably living as a pre-op transgender woman. I was comfortable. I did long to have bigger boobs. I did long to have a vagina. This has been a feeling that I've had a lot of my life is that I wished I had have been a girl, [00:21:30] but I was doing the best I could for my circumstance. And I presented myself as a female, but I still had male genitals. Um, my boobs weren't really that big. Um, from just being on hormone therapy, Um, I just had to accept it. Like my life has been just a a journey of self acceptance. I accepted myself in that moment as soon as I found out that I was going to have surgery or when I'd made the decision that, you know. Yes, I'm going to go through with this. [00:22:00] Everything started feeling a bit uncomfortable, you know, like downstairs was was not as comfortable as I had perceived it before I started envisioning Oh, my God. I'm gonna I'm gonna have some. I'm gonna have that lovely space down there. I can wear, you know, bikinis and and lovely underwear. And I mean, I could anyway, but, like, it was just that space that would be there like it started becoming uncomfortable knowing that, um, I was going to have the surgery. [00:22:30] I was very excited to to have this body now that I had dreamed about for a lot of my life, my boobs would be bigger, and I would have that space down there. It was exciting. Um, so it was really funny how things became uncomfortable from the moment I found out I was having surgery. But up until then, I was just accepting of my situation because there was nothing else I could do at that point. So the, um the programme that we've been referring to is beauty. Beauty in the beach. Um, tell me, how did you get [00:23:00] that opportunity? Well, I knew one of the ladies that is on the show who had surgery. I knew her as a child when I was singing in my country music days, and I didn't know this, but she was over in Thailand being filmed having surgery as one of the people as one of the clients. Now she heard them talking, saying that they were looking for a transgender person to to have gender reassignment [00:23:30] surgery, have facial feminization, have boobs like whatever the person needed they were going to, um, they were They were looking for someone that wanted to do that. I didn't have facial feminization. I just had, um gender reassignment surgery and breast augmentation. Um, so she heard this and she had seen that I'd been transitioning on Facebook. So she wrote me a beautiful email. I got the email at, like, seven in the morning. One day I read it quickly, [00:24:00] and then I went to work and I, I keep thinking, Oh, I must go and check out what she's talking about. She had said You look, I don't know if this is for you, but please check it out. You might be interested, so I went on and had a look at about two o'clock that day. Um, I saw that they were offering surgery and it was to be filmed. I thought, Hey, well, I might as well just give it a go. I. I filled out the details. Um just answered all the questions, sent that away at about 2. 30 by 55. 30 that night that very same day, I had got a call saying, We want you. [00:24:30] I mean, I couldn't believe it. I said, What? What do you want me for? What exactly is this? To be honest like am I Am I reading this right? Are we going to Thailand to do this? They explained to me what it was and I couldn't believe it. I could not believe that this had fallen out of the sky and and it's like applying for a job you don't expect to hear from them straight away. You think weeks Well, I did not expect to hear from anybody for ages. And I heard from them that night saying, we are so impressed with your story. We want you. [00:25:00] So they told me that you know, I was gonna have gender reassignment surgery and breast augmentation. I had to go to bed for three days to comprehend this and to really think like, do I really want to do this in front of the cameras? I mean, have what a vulnerable situation. You know, um, I don't know if I can do that. So I really had to go to bed. I was just, like, knocked off my feet. Really? I had to go to bed and then I I was being encouraged by my family and friends. Everyone saying you should do it. Um, [00:25:30] might be able to help someone. Um, you'll be fine. Just just be yourself. Just go through it and do it. So I was encouraged. I was raised up to, you know, think, Oh, I could actually do this. And I did it. I went over to Thailand and I had an amazing experience, like it was a really ultimate moment of my life. And al also, I couldn't believe, and the others around me couldn't believe how relaxed I was about what was happening [00:26:00] to me. They were scared. They were nervous. They were like, How is Nicky gonna cope with this? You know, it's a big deal changing your genitals and, you know, like, are you gonna be OK for me? I was just so ready, relaxed and trusting in the whole process that I just went through it with ease and And what really helped was the people behind the camera. They just supported and respected [00:26:30] and loved me through the process. And I was there for three weeks, and we became very close, and that really helped me to be comfortable in front of the camera to share my story. Um, and to feel safe as I went through the surgeries, I've never been knocked out, you know, I've never been put under. I was nervous when I wake up, you know, um, but I was very embraced by the people behind the camera. I didn't have any family there or anything. [00:27:00] It was the people behind the camera that were really looking after me, and they made it a beautiful experience. And am I right in thinking this is like the first time in New Zealand that AAA gender reassignment surgery has happened in front of cameras? I do believe it is the first to be documented so closely. I've never seen anything like that before on television, and I mean, yeah, show me if there is, [00:27:30] that's that's fine. But like I've been told from outsiders, it's the first and and I. I haven't seen anything. So yeah, I feel like it's and especially the way it was done. I feel like that's a first. Maybe, you know, it's been mentioned in documentaries, but it's I've never been followed quite like quite so closely and intimately like mine was followed because they were right in there in the surgeries, weren't they? They were right there. I mean, one of the camera men he saw me from [00:28:00] before and after, right before his eyes, he saw exactly how they did it. I mean, they didn't show that on television, but you know, he's got He's got camera, he's got camera footage of that. He's got pictures. He's got memories of seeing that happen. It's one thing going through that surgery. It's another thing having it on public TV. What was that like seeing your story seeing yourself? Well, to be honest, I actually saw the show before [00:28:30] it aired on television, probably months. Yeah, months before it appeared on television, I had time to get myself prepared for it. Um, I also very quick. I watched it about 80 times. I very quickly became comfortable with the way they put it together and the way they presented me. I found solitude and comfort in in the way they did that because it could have been That's reality. TV. [00:29:00] It could have been done in a bad way. Not so caring. Not so much heart, Not so much respect. You know, um, so that that I had to keep that in my mind that it has been done well, and I'm comfortable with that. There was some embarrassing moments that I had to, you know, swallow. Um, and I'm just talking about, like, bad shots of myself, you know, like, really, I wouldn't have chosen that shot. You could have taken that shot. How? Not to be a bit close, you know, step back, you know, moments like that. But, I mean, get over yourself. I you know, I was [00:29:30] very lucky that they didn't show private parts of my body before or after. Um I mean, they showed boobs, but nothing else. Um, when I watched it live on television when it went to air. I was very anxious and nervous, you know, knowing that and and the whole programme. I'd watched it 80 times before but the whole programme just seemed so fresh thinking Oh my God, Everyone's everyone's seeing me do that. Oh my God! Everyone's seeing me say that. Oh, how embarrassing. 00, no. You know, like it was quite a anxious [00:30:00] moment. I was nervous and embarrassed, but ultimately at the end of the day, this is my life and this is what happened. I just have to accept it. And I'm very grateful once again that they did a really respectful job at the way they edited it and put it together. And I guess it's one thing in terms of how respectful the crew and production company were. But you actually don't know how the general audience, the general society is going to [00:30:30] react to it. I mean, if it's never been seen on TV before, what were your I mean, did you have kind of anxieties before it went to air? And totally I mean, this happened. I mean, when it appeared on TV, this had happened seven months prior, so I had seven months of thinking about what was this gonna be like? Anxious, nervous, excited. [00:31:00] I also like anonymity like there's a part of me that really enjoys no one knowing who I am, And I can just, you know, look around and just do you know, no one knows anything about me I was nervous about. You know, this is such a like a real intimate personal story of my life. People are going to know a bit a bit much about me. You know, I. I was nervous about all of that. I was nervous if I would get bullied or called names. I was. I was definitely [00:31:30] nervous about quite a few things and sad about losing an anonymity. But after the show aired, I don't feel like much has changed that much. Um, a lot of people didn't even see it, so there's an element of anonymity still there, where they don't know me. And then the people that have seen it have been so kind to me. Nothing much has changed. Like [00:32:00] I just get the odd person that might, um, say congratulations or well done. That was great. Um, maybe a few more people stare but it's not. That's not what I was scared of, like name calling or anything like that. That still may come. I don't know, but it's it's not bad. So after it went to air, I mean, were you contacted by, you know, other people in the community, um, either offering support or asking questions, or how has [00:32:30] that been? So the very night that it appeared on television and for days after I got hundreds and hundreds of personal messages on Facebook, people just sending me lovely, supportive, encouraging messages so overwhelming, really heartwarming to have these people that I don't know, message me straight gay, transgender men, women, all sorts just messaging me, congratulating me [00:33:00] something I will I will choose to never forget. I just loved getting those messages. So what would your advice now be to, say, a young person questioning their gender identity or sexuality? Find someone to talk to, I found from a very young age. I found help in talking to professionals, counsellors, therapists. I think [00:33:30] it's very important to verbalise what you're feeling. That's where I would start with someone who is at the start of the journey of being gay or transgender is finding someone to talk to and and verbalise it, Get it out there. When you reflect back on your own life, Do you kind of compartmentalise, you know, the the the Nick Carlson and the Niki Lee Carlson. Do they? I mean, [00:34:00] do they do they both still exist? Yes. Um, actually, it just feels like it just feels like me. People say to me, Oh, you look so different, like, Oh, I didn't even recognise that it was you or um oh, you've changed so much. And, um oh, it seems like a different person when I see you as a male. Or now I see you as a like But for me, it just feels like the same person. Uh, yes, the image has changed. But when I see old footage [00:34:30] of myself and people say to me, how does it feel looking at that now I'm like, Well, it's just me. It just feels like me. It feels like a distant memory now, Um, and it's gone like that image that that image I will say not the person. But that image is gone. Um, I don't look like that anymore. I don't dress like that anymore. But the the person I mean, that's me. I mean, I just feel like that's me. It's Yeah. So what next for NG? [00:35:00] Life surprises you With what? What happens? You can have, um, goals and dreams and desires and hopes. But sometimes you get you go on another track. You know, it's not necessarily what you were thinking, thinking that would happen or that you dreamed to happen. Um, I don't know. I've got dreams and aspirations of music and, um, working with gay and trans people and fashion and, [00:35:30] um, got all sorts of different goals and dreams marriage, you know, relationship. Um but I don't know what I don't know what's gonna happen. I mean, I didn't know that this was going to happen to me. To be honest, I didn't know that it was going to be publicly, you know, on a on a documentary. I didn't know that that would happen. So I don't know. I just So I was just working on my my mental health. I'm just working on my state of mind. I'm just trying to [00:36:00] be the happiest and best that I can be. It's a journey. It's a challenge. And I think that's the forefront. Is just being being at peace with myself and and being happy and being the best I can to, you know, um, welcome. Amazing things into my life, you know, Feeling good. I wanna feel good. I wanna be good, Yeah.
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