Article Title:Shock announcement: A star steps down
Author or Credit:Doug Sanders
Published on:9th October 2005 - 12:00 pm
Story ID:943
Text:After gliding to victory in last year's Queen of the Whole Pacific competition in a vodka haze, Miss Russia has shocked observers by announcing she is to have no involvement in this year's bigger/brighter/better instalment, Queen of the Whole Universe. “I will not be involvedthis year,” she told “It's only fair thatI make way for other beauties to shine.” But she already has an early favourite for her successor: “I believe Miss India is extremely gorgeous, oozing natural beauty like myself, and may have a surprise or two hiding under her sari.” Miss Russia's path to victory has been paved with tragedy. “You must remember that my parents were killed in a horrific outer space experience whilst travelling around Uranus,” she recalls wistfully. “Thereafter, I was dragged up on the outskirts of Chernobyl by a failed ballet dancer and a one-legged ice skater. It was only the genes of my grandmother (and a little blusher and lippy) that gave me the beauty which became my means to escape.” What does she think tipped the balance in her favour with last year's judges? “I have perfect balance, pert breasts, long legs that go all the way to the ground, and very long luscious…eye lashes.” But personality had a part to play too: “I do believe my determination and natural flair behind my Bernina made all the difference.” The year has gone quickly for this poised alternative beauty, who is rumoured to be a secret love child of former Russian President Boris (“shaken, not stirred”) Yeltsin. She says she has taken full advantage of her prestigious title over the last twelve months. “I have taken advantage of every opening and have administered good to all that have come across me,” she says. The nicest thing a man has ever said to her? “Sit on my face and tell me you love me.” With the announcement of her retirement from public life, Miss Russia says she will have more time to spend on her favourite pastime (man-hunting), favourite furry little animal (her mink coat), and a couple of book projects (biographies of her role models, the creators of vodka and Barbie respectively). What advice does she have for this year's glamourpussies? “Just to have fun, all the girls are winners in my eyes,” she lies. “It is fair to say that not too many will ever attain to my natural beauty, charm and poise, so make the best of what you have, and if that isn't much, stuff a pair of socks down there.” And to the lucky finalists? “Go for it – and to Miss India, finalist or not, you truly are my sister, a natural beauty in every sense of the word. I look forward to meeting you one day.” [Editor's note: The producers of a proposed Moskva TV reality series, in which celebrities Miss Russia, Ivanka Trump and Parise Hilton will attempt to cross the former USSR in a pink Trabant, were unavailable for comment.] Doug Sanders - 9th October 2005    
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