Article Title:Enjoying more and more and more sex
Category:Ask Our Expert
Author or
Published on:28th February 2005 - 12:00 pm
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Story ID:636
Text:I like sex a lot, like most men, but over the last year or so my social life is suffering as I find myself going to saunas and clubs more and more. I'm enjoying myself and having great sex but I'm unsure if this is just a phase or if I should be worried. What do you think? - Jeff, Auckland. Jacquie comments: Is the sex always that great? I don't think so. I'm hearing you say you are worried, and you should be. Casual sex is like living for the moment with no thought for the future. Where is the emotional attachment? Where is the satisfaction? If there were any you wouldn't be going back time and time again, not to mention the obvious risks one takes having sex with multiple partners. I'm not saying don't go to these places, just practice a little - or in your case a lot - of moderation. How about reinventing your social life? Join some gay organization or sporting group. Broaden your horizons a little and you may find that with the extra stimulation and activities you will gain your real life back again. Sex can be addictive - the more we get, the more we want, but like any of the pleasurable things in life, too much of a good thing soon becomes boring. On the sauna scene I think the addiction is to see what turns up and entering the competition as to who wins. - Jacquie Jim comments: If sex is taking that much control over your life you need to do something about it - and by something about it I don't mean more sex. Too many gay men seek sex as a substitute for a loving relationship. It's a poor substitute. Others seek sex zealously, not because they have sexual needs, but because they are using sex to try and obtain something else; such as acceptance, self-esteem, love. But sex is a lousy substitute for any of those things. In fact the kind of lifestyle you are talking about is usually counterproductive to the real goals being sought. I suspect there are other issues at play here and the rampant sex is not the problem but a symptom of the problem. And that is something you do need to work on. You should also consider how such a lifestyle can undermine your ability to love. Humans - even men - are wired so that sex has an emotional component. Promiscuous sex teaches us to cut out that emotional component, to separate love from sexuality completely. One result can be that it stifles our ability to love. And that's not good. Sex by itself is not immoral or wrong, any more than eating. But sometimes you need to go on a diet. - 28th February 2005
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