Article Title:Notes For Straight people In Gay Bars
Author or Credit:David Herkt
Published on:1st April 2002 - 12:00 pm
Story ID:30
Text:1: When you enter a gay bar, after someone at postwork drinks on a Friday has made that exciting suggestion and you were all pissed by then so you agreed, there is no need to band together like early American settlers circling the heterosexual wagons against the gay and partially-clad Indians with those smooth and doubtless waxed chests. No one here is going to threaten you. Gay bars must have the world's record for being non-violent venues. And the gays are not going to molest you. The only reason they'll take any notice of you really, initially is because you are all clinging to each other for support and the atmosphere of your group is that little bit too nervously bright to be, y'know, really believable. 2: Don't stare. And I mean, why would you? Yes, these are homosexuals and they are doing just what homosexuals like to do which is, in the final analysis, just exactly the same things you like doing. I mean if you are sitting there thrilling to the sight of homosexual men drinking, or shivering with shock at the sight of homosexual men talking, or shuddering at the thought of homosexual men smoking cigarettes, well, honey, you have issues. So don't stare. Just go to the bar and get a drink, preferably not in a heterosexual conga line, hanging together for security. 3: Lose your heterosexual friends. By now you will have realised they are hopelessly fashion challenged. You can get away with it yourself because there is only one of you, but when there is ten of you, all similarly afflicted, it is hard to blend in. And you'll have more fun without them, I promise. I mean you can still do your David Attenborough ('Now as we cautiously and quietly approach the bar, observe those two men standing underneath that bronze statue of the naked woman. Now they are obviously a couple. See the way they stand that little bit too close to each other. See the way that one person is buying both drinks. And look...see that hand resting comfortably against the other man's thigh...') but it will be more fun if you do it alone without Jordan from Marketing and Karl from the suppliers and Kylie, Deb and Tamsin from the temp pool. And who knows, you may get to talk to a real gay man... 4: When you do get to talk to a real gay person, as opposed to Winton your Human Resources manager who is probably just confused, do not say 'My second cousin is gay' or 'There was someone gay at my school' or 'My best friend's Jack's brother is gay.' They aren't really interested. After all, they know thousands of homosexuals, and your score card is not going to impress them at all. 5: Do not dance on the stage before 11:00pm. This is just a big pointer to the whole place that you have led a sheltered life and that you are drunk. 6: Do not laugh at the drag-queens. Remember later on they will have a spotlight and a mike and they are in control. Humiliation at the hands of a drag-queen with technology on her side can be cruel. If a drag-queen kisses you remember that you have to air-kiss drag-queens, first on one cheek, then on the other in a two-step motion. Do not under any circumstances smear her make-up or suggest she needs a shave. 7: If you do happen to go home with a drag-queen because the dress means that you can deal with your conflicted impulses so much more easily, remember many drag-queens are Tops in the anal sex stakes despite that dress, and because drag-queens do performances at lots of corporate Xmas parties for exorbitant fees and at farewell parties for jet-setting lawyers, they are used to screwing straight drunken men and they will, given the slightest opportunity. Of course, this may actually be what you want. 8: For the straight women, some of these men will appear much more masculine than the one you have at home. But remember your husband was trained in a PC-paradise where to be a straight man was a bad, bad thing. Also remember these men are not going to want to have sex with you anyway. They will also seem to be much more handsome than any heterosexual man you've ever met but they are still not going to want to have sex with you. If you are really interested you can go home and look up gay porn on the internet, after all your husband has got Lesbians From Hell Vol 3, Clit-lickers From The Congo, and Annie Goes Down On Suzie in that pile of VHS tapes he keeps in his private cupboard in the back-shed, and what is good for the goose is good for the gander, right? 9: For the straight male, please do not assume that every man at the bar wants to have sex with you and is looking at your butt. They don't. You do not have to walk around with that anus-clamped-shut sort of walk and you do not have to stand at the very corner of the urinal, facing the corner at an angle of 45 degrees to stop men looking at your willy. To them you will only appear that little bit feminine because you haven't been allowed to do masculinity like they've been allowed to do it and you can't afford gyms like they can so they are built with pecs and 6-packs and you are not, so really, would they be interested anyway? 10: If you really do want to experience life on the wild side, go with your friends when they go, then come back. The bar will seem much more welcoming. Getting a bit drunker won't hurt. Talk to anyone in your vicinity. Stand that little bit too close to that big bastard who looks like a younger, handsomer Colin Meads with a fashion-sense, ask him if he is having a good night, look at him perkily, move closer to his side and when you do get home with him, do tell him you are a virgin, so he can be tender because really, you are not quite ready for totally masculine sex yet. And do use a condom, not only for yourself, but for him, after all heterosexuals are the greatest risk group for HIV these days and you want your newly-found gay man to be safe, right?     David Herkt - 1st April 2002
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