Article Title:Two Dorothies all at sea: Eye candy report
Author or Credit:Steve Attwood
Published on:1st November 2011 - 09:50 am
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Story ID:10988
Text:An occasional blog detailing the experiences of a “straight” cruise by a couple of gay Kiwi boys aboard a cruise liner as it circumnavigates Australia, Indonesia and New Zealand – 15 October to 15 November 2011. Part three: Boys boys boys The barbecue cooks Thank goodness eye candy is not fattening! If it were, we’d be gaining a kilo a day on this cruise! (Wait, we are anyway, the food supply is endless. My $100 togs are getting quite snug! Boy is the ab-circle pro going to get a hiding when we get home – if I can find it under all the cobwebs it’s accumulated!) As if the tropical sun wasn’t hot enough, the boys whose jobs are to make sure our days go smoothly and enjoyably – feeding us, pouring us drinks, entertaining us, making our beds and folding our undies – are hot, hot, HOT! Deon the smooth talking Jamaican poolside barman One of my mates – you know the ageist type who spends all his time chasing chicken and spending vast amounts on age-defying creams and potions  . . . (They’re not working honey!) . . . scoffed at the idea of us doing this cruise. “Bunch of old age pensioners, all wrinkly and paunchy. They go to bed at 9pm!” Well, to a certain extent he was right. When it comes to the passenger component eye candy is in short supply. (Unless you’re a gerontophile darling, in which case this tour is seventh heaven!) Iputu the energetic Balinese stair cleaner But the staff are another matter entirely. Already we’ve noticed female staff are definitely in the minority, especially when it comes to those front-of-house folk who hover on the edge of your vision 24 hours a day, just waiting to make your life a little easier, a little more pleasurable. Most of these lovely, obliging people are guys, and a handsome international mix most of them are! Among these guys our reputation as “Queens of Means” is not only maintained, it’s enhanced! These boys make you feel like a million dollars every day, and they look good doing it! Paulo the spanish cook The thing about Royal Caribbean is it is more international than many cruise lines. There is, as you’d expect, a huge contingent of dark-skinned, mellow voiced Jamaicans, man, who sound like a sex-on-the-phone service every time they open their mouths. Then there’s lyrical Irish, jaunty poms, cocky Aussies, VERY forward Americans, and a huge sprinklings of Africans, eastern Europeans and Asians of every shade and ethnicity! (Now, it’s no secret I’m a size queen – I adore short men!) (What were you thinking I meant!) There’s this little Balinese guy who spends all day cleaning the handrails in the stairwells. He must climb from the bottom to the top of the boat and back a hundred times a day. He’s small (about 4'6") but he has buns of steel! And a little Spanish cook who does things with meat you wouldn’t believe! The two climbing wall guides are short too. But muscled in that whipcord way that suggests they’d have no trouble holding you up - Ahem! - for hours on end! Kevin (r) and a client at the climbing wall The pool boys are a more laid back mix, mysterious and cool in their dark glasses that never seem to leave their faces, even after the sun has long sunk beyond the horizon. I’ve considered faking drowning to see if one of them dives in to save me. (I’m having wet T-shirt fantasies!) The bar boys are a mixed lot. The outdoor bar boys are of the pool-boy ilk, mysterious behind their shades and Hawaiian shirts. Inside, they’re more sophisticated lot. VERY attentive and very smart in formal wait-gear. They like to get to you your name, and have a chat. Within hours you seem to have told them all your secrets without really knowing why – except it’s nice to have them standing so close, looking rapt and really interested. If it’s an affected air, it’s a bloody convincing one! Tim the cheeky guest services Pom Our customer services guide is a cheeky pom who’d look right at home in Urge Bar (Or in my stateroom . . . yeah right, chance ‘d be a fine thing!) At the other end of the scale is big John, the sonorous-voiced Jamaican who sings in our room while he’s making our bed! And the barbecue cooks who are blacker than the coals they’re cooking on and manage to make baggy kitchen whites look damned sexy. And the stage manager whose announcing voice causes damp spots on seats throughout the theatre! I’d love to talk to these guys, especially the Jamaicans – a country so notoriously and violently anti-gay – but while they are happy to chat for hours about you, they are professionally aloof when it comes to more than name, rank and hometown as regards their own circumstances. Willem (l) and Aldon, two of the ship's photographers My gaydar goes off constantly. But with this much eye candy, is it just wishful thinking? Oh well, dreams are free.  Nighty night! (What? It’s only 9pm!) PS: Willem and Aldon are two of the ship's photographers who record our every move in pictures! The six photographers are all male, so when they are rehearsing setups for their photos of romantic cruise couples, one has to take the role of the female. Of course, my gaydar was going off anyway - is that more than just a professional embrace? Tomasz, from Poland - is he or isn't he (who cares!) (Note: The author’s views are based on his own genuine experience. He booked and paid for his cruise privately. He has received no incentive or gratuities, financial or otherwise, from the cruise company or any travel or tourism agencies.) Nick and Venny the Colony Club barmen     Steve Attwood - 1st November 2011
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