What I Fear

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[00:00:01] On in the darkness and all along, and [00:00:07] I can hear voices, I can hear people. [00:00:16] But there's nobody talking to me. [00:00:25] Like I'm invisible. [00:00:33] Where I feel most about being gay in this country, is it? People don't accept me for what I am I feel gay society Most of all, because I see [00:00:48] I see that how [00:00:50] they are forced to fit into society's stereotypes as well. And they actually do it quite well. It's they fit into the society's perception of what being gay should be and I see it as that by from gay people should we like with the good looking health conscious good bodies, and machine Queenie camp superficial. And it's all just plastic, it's, it's a facade, it's not what's in them, it's just out there, it's and in the end, it becomes it gets to the point where it's not being themselves, it's being what people want them to be. In. Also fear a non gay Well, as I know, I wouldn't fit in there as well, because they wouldn't accept gay person with them, interacting with them, working with him, living with them, being your neighbors, they wouldn't accept gay couples. [00:01:56] I fear [00:01:59] not knowing what my direction is. And I think growing up in a family that didn't have huge resources behind it. Not really knowing or growing up with a military background, but never knowing it even knowing that multi heritage language I do feel a bit of a sense of isolation, I'm not really Paki her, and I'm not really Modi. And I'm identify as gay. But I'm not hugely into the gay saying. It does kind of make you wonder, where, where your places where you fit in, and [00:02:54] also, [00:02:57] never really being engendered with directions, so much to go or a career to aspire to. I've been a little bit of a, [00:03:08] when you call it, that's gonna say, Wade, [00:03:12] just grow wild. [00:03:14] And, and that's a little bit sad, because you think time slipping away? And what have I done? I mean, if we judged on, on what we've achieved during our Susan time, or the lives of people that we touched during a certain period of time, then have I done enough or could I have done more? [00:03:43] I think nine so the, the fears and I worry about, or give energy to. [00:03:56] I'm also fearful of straight people in social gatherings, like, you know, in nightclubs, or bands, I just can't go to those sorts of places. I, I feel like, the walls are closing in on me and everybody staring at me, and judging. I'm quite obviously gay. And I'm actually quite proud of the fact that I'm quite obviously gay, you know, I've got nothing to hide. And if someone comes up to me and sees your poster, or your figures or whatever, I will say, I will tell them, Yes, I am. But you know, you go to these, you, I go to these, if I go to these places, I'm really, really terrified that [00:04:48] I'm getting beaten up or something. [00:04:52] And in the past, I have been, you know, I've, I've been in situations where I've been bashed, because I'm guy. [00:05:05] I remember [00:05:07] that five years ago, I was walking down called a place with a friend of mine. And these three guys on the other side of a road, called out faggot, set ass. And I said to my friend brain to just move them. And we sort of looked the other way and looked in the shops. And the next thing they came running across the road, and beat out of us. [00:05:49] The fear of [00:05:54] going older. [00:06:00] Because I think the society but also gay society is very youth focused. And it's not so much the fear of of growing up, but growing old and being ostracized. [00:06:17] I think my greatest fear would be of growing old alarm. [00:06:28] I don't see myself as being in in any relationship in the near future. But hopefully, in time, I will meet someone. But you know, there is that fear that I want. And that when I'm 6070 years of age, I'm going to be all on my own. And I'm not going to have anybody to look after me. Because if as haters each Oh, I would have children. And I would take my children to look after me, basically. And right, when I get to that age, I'm not going to have children, I'm not going to have my parents around to sell be gone in so I will be on my own. And it's a scary prospect with nothing there. [00:07:29] I guess I'm [00:07:31] I'm in darkness, because I don't know [00:07:34] where I'm supposed to be. I don't know where I'm supposed to belong. I don't know. [00:07:41] I don't know what I am. [00:07:44] I don't know what I should be. [00:07:48] And [00:07:52] I think I lost my sense of self sometimes. [00:07:56] Because you try so hard to fit into something, you find that you don't fit in sometimes you're rejected. [00:08:04] And there is a blows your self esteem. [00:08:07] And [00:08:11] and I don't admit to having a very high self esteem. I think I have enough to get by. [00:08:21] But then again, I think [00:08:24] what right do other people have to make me feel like this. And [00:08:33] then slowly, now, I'm learning to, [00:08:37] to give it back to people to give them their own medicine, to give back what they've taken from me, right? I don't know. [00:08:47] just shove it back in your face, I suppose what he gave me. [00:08:51] And it's sort of slowly working. And I'm sort of slowly getting to know myself by faith in, in what I'm not afraid of. and overcoming the fears, and to do things that I want to do for myself and not what people expect. And [00:09:12] trying to be comfortable myself again. [00:09:22] Some of the biggest fears, I think we face death, and loss of loved ones. And being alone and have pretty much in my formative years, had to cope with those [00:09:47] really started with my sister being murdered. [00:09:51] When I was seven years old, she was only 17. When I was 14, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and died from it shortly after. And a couple of years after that. So this was all through my schooling period. [00:10:13] And my brother died as a result of a car accident. [00:10:19] And then [00:10:21] when I was 20, my father passed away from kidney failure. So by the time I was 2021, I was celebrating not with my family that I wanted to, but with other people. [00:10:48] I'm afraid. [00:10:52] I'm afraid of being alone. [00:11:00] It comes from [00:11:04] having fear of [00:11:08] being on my own, and not particularly liking my own company. [00:11:18] In fact, to be honest, I actually find myself quite boring at times. [00:11:33] In my way of getting around that I've discovered now does he use the internet because when I'm on the internet to check into people or surfing, I don't feel like I'm alone. [00:11:49] Afraid that [00:11:52] being gay would be a tablet experience or a terrible existence for me. [00:12:02] I know so many [00:12:06] older gay men who who end up by themselves. And they can't find anyone. Like a soulmate, the [00:12:16] the end up lonely and [00:12:19] the left right by themselves and in the thing that keeps them busy in business and work. And it's not it is nothing more dear friends but you don't have [00:12:30] anyone. Right? close to them. [00:12:34] They don't have a partner in [00:12:40] my friend used to joke about GD 30. And it's somewhat true. Because most people write you off after your after you reach the age of 30. Maybe everyone will end up the same being old and ugly. [00:13:01] These days, I start feeling fearful by actually facing how I'm feeling and acknowledging that I'm feeling that way. In the past. I didn't actually face that. I tried to hide from her by overindulging and alcohol and drug abuse I think [00:13:28] most of the time, [00:13:31] I turned my fear into hatred. And that's how I get rid of my fears. To to hate something in basically to kill it off. In that's how I get rid of my fears and being being being Asian in this country. [00:13:49] You sometimes hate that as well. [00:13:53] And it sometimes angers me of how people's perceptions are, and how sometimes how narrow minded they can be. It's not to say that I'm very broad minded and stuff like that. Right. Malaysia sort of a multicultural society anyway and you accept change, you accept people being different. And people here they don't accept people being different. It's it's very much conservative, and that's what angers me. [00:14:29] I'm afraid, afraid, none of the bad things that may happen, but of the good things that might happen that I might be able to cope with. [00:14:40] I'm afraid [00:14:43] that all my [00:14:46] kind of arguments, why something might happen [00:14:51] will actually come to naught if they do happen. [00:14:55] So the energy they they expand on not pursuing dreams or goals or relationships if I want them [00:15:08] is showing up to be [00:15:12] a waste of energy.

This page features computer generated text of the source audio - it is not a transcript. The Artificial Intelligence Text is provided to help users when searching for keywords or phrases. The text has not been manually checked for accuracy against the original audio and will contain many errors.