Snapshot 2000 - Scott
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[00:00:00] This program is brought to you by pride in zero.com. Basically, it's been something that I've always sort of felt, you know, I never felt like I was anything different. You know, I've always been interested in boys. You know, for a very young age. I used to collect pictures out of magazines, and all at the teen magazines, nice nice sheets and all that sort of thing. I used to collect the blood peaches and stick them in a diary and hide it from my mom used to stick it in this little gentleman put it in my bed, believe it or not necessarily buys the book, my mom might have found it sometimes. [00:00:38] Yes, and [00:00:39] I started started dancing and [00:00:41] doing entertainment type stuff, singing and acting [00:00:44] when I was like nine. And that brought me out of my shell a little more. And was actually I had a performance, why not. And by the way, this really bizarre ticket costume. And there was some guys in the audience was given me hassles of calling out stuff and from the audience and stuff like that. And then it was actually in the car on the way home when [00:01:07] my mother actually said to me, [00:01:09] she was you gotta be careful, you know, you can get yourself into trouble and rah rah rah rah. And it was at this point. [00:01:15] I think it was like 16. [00:01:17] And [00:01:19] honestly, it sitting I was like, gripping the handle of the car, and I'm just like, Oh, my God, oh, my God, my topic was in my throat. My heart was pounding 500 times two minutes to the minute and [00:01:31] I just sort of, sort of came out with it. [00:01:33] It felt right. So and I was nervous as hell. So I just did it. I said, Mom, on guy. [00:01:39] And his response was, I show up? [00:01:43] And I said, I said yes. And so we heard the most [00:01:48] empowered comments I've ever had in my entire life. [00:01:52] And from a webinar, [00:01:55] that was like, about 10 o'clock at night, I think my when I sign up for four o'clock in the morning, just talking, God knows what we talked about. But we sort of, we end up getting old I, you know, so that. That was the first time I really poured my heart out to my mom [00:02:10] about how I was feeling, basically. [00:02:15] Yeah, and after that, I sort of sort of dealt with the rest of my family. And suppose I didn't want to tell my dad to start with my dad. No, I've never really had a fantastic relationship. I was always a mama's boy. We tend to be a bit [00:02:33] more not to send to that. [00:02:36] Yeah, I've never really had a good relationship with my dad. My brother was a very sports oriented person. So and as he's my dad, [00:02:44] so they had [00:02:47] the sort of Father Son thing that was going on. And I'm just like, yeah, okay, they can have that. And I was a little mommy's boy, [00:02:53] which made me the good cook that I am. I must [00:02:55] say, she taught me everything tonight. [00:02:59] Yes, I do held that at first and then Mum, [00:03:03] mum, she [00:03:05] likes to talk about problems out and, you know, and how she's feeling. [00:03:09] And taxes ended up telling my dad, [00:03:11] my dad was quite shocked. [00:03:14] And then mom proceeded to tell the rest of the family, [00:03:17] my grandparents, often, she would just tell me that she told them and I'd be like, Oh, thanks. So that's great. I really [00:03:26] I had, I only had to go through it once. [00:03:30] When I was 15. So that was good. And I've had [00:03:33] the [00:03:34] support of my family, the hallway, I've had not one negative response from, from my mom, my dad, my dad didn't understand it at first. And it took him a couple of years to actually [00:03:50] connect with me [00:03:52] on the subject. I think we were actually watching a program on TV one day, and some had some guy issue on it. And I got up ladies room because I really wanted to watch it. And go into my bedroom, which into my room. And he said, he actually said to me nice di will watch it. And I sort of looked at my mom and I think I started crying. And it was like, oh my god. So that was sort of the first time for dad anyway. And that would have been that phrase down the track. But anyway, back to my face my family and said no nigga response from a two sets of grandparents. Or are these are uncles or cousins or anything? [00:04:28] Want to tell my brother [00:04:29] now this is a very funny story. I told my brother and he didn't believe me. He's like, He's such a bullshit artist. And I'm going going off mom. That was my, my first sort of response was gonna ask mom and then I put out the outrage magazines, and it said, Have a look at these. Why would I have these and he didn't believe me to at the start [00:04:49] my way through a lot very, very hard time at school. [00:04:53] Part of that was because, [00:04:56] yes, I was a little bit of feminine. I didn't do dance classes and seeing classes. And you know, that kind of crossing my body language because I was. As we grow, we adapt. And we take on different things. And as we learn different things we become the people who we become. And guess who was pretty bad for me intensive, the nine calling, and [00:05:23] that sort of thing. [00:05:26] I look back now. And [00:05:28] I think I really didn't want to stay at school. Because of that. And in terms of my education, I don't think I took in as much information as I probably could have, or should have. [00:05:40] Because of fact that I didn't want to be danced [00:05:42] at a lot of races and lunchtime will here in school yet by myself. And I was very isolated as a child, which is which is odd now, because I'm very much a people person now and woke up to anyone to say hi, hey, going. And I'm not shy anymore. But I used to very much Sorry, I used to be very, [00:06:03] very scared of what people thought of me, [00:06:05] and how I was saved. And that that actually is the one thing I think I had to get over in terms of me dealing with my own sexuality was being able to say, I am me. And I may because of everything that's happened in my life. And it doesn't bother me what you think because I'm a very special person. And that sounds like I've had therapy but I've had none I'm just a very, very smart person who knows that whatever day together [00:06:39] but yeah, so school [00:06:40] school I sort of written off on near 23 and it's been since 94 since I left school, [00:06:47] and [00:06:49] I came in contact with now when I went to school with I basically left my hometown and got out and my tell to give my life and I truly funny that I I hear on the grapevine sit three different people through my brother and his friends that they are older brothers and sisters who I went to school with. I like now married and have three children and all this sort of stuff I 23 which is [00:07:09] which is a choice I night. But [00:07:13] I just think [00:07:15] having knowing these people, and having no near potential. [00:07:20] I think some of its very sad some of it. [00:07:22] Well, if I chose that then good for them. [00:07:27] My best sexual experience all it was hideous. [00:07:32] I think it was it was in the shopping states out Believe it or not. It was just I look back now I think how could I have ever done it? But it was my headaches for the students. And it is as vivid now as it is not? If it's if it's not right. But is it clear now to me now as it was then. And I actually went to the public toilet and I had a note slipped to me on the wall that said, I would like help masturbating. Can you help me and I was like, [00:08:01] okay, [00:08:02] playing the naive young idiot that I was. Sorry, that was my first experience under the wall of a bloody toilet block. So, yes, my first real lovemaking experience, I would have to say, was with a guy I actually went to school with, we always sort of hang out together for that g7 onwards, and I go to that, you know, [00:08:30] and we sort of, [00:08:32] you know, we're hitting a spice off the school studying one day, and, you know, one thing led to another and I remember that very, very clearly, it was probably one of the most scary, scary experiences I've been through it is is having all the names, and all the the excitement and the stuff that goes on the having that reciprocated from this person. And having that combined and like just having him touch me and, and touching his skin was mind blowing it. Yeah, I've gone off into lala land. But it really was mind blowing. And we spent the next couple of years fooling around together, he was my first he was my sexual partner for about three years. We basically wanted to do everything together. And explored ethics ability to get in a fight. Either way, I was lucky that I had that I I look back now and I say we went boyfriends. [00:09:42] I think we were more [00:09:45] lovers in [00:09:46] a way. And we'd sort of discovered our bodies together and intellectual stuff. And I got to a point [00:09:52] where [00:09:53] where I came down, and [00:09:56] I can I took that step [00:09:58] and then everything for the challenge for me my life, it was was no longer a big secret that I had to sneak around and, and do all this stuff. I could be open about it with my family. And not so much my friends because I kept it to myself at school. I didn't label I speculated. But I think the difference between people speculating people knowing is a very big jump. Many people know something, instead of speculating it, things change dramatically. So I always try to avoid, always try to avoid that big dramatic [00:10:34] jump, because I didn't want things to get any worse. [00:10:39] Sanchez is my fifth lovemaking [00:10:41] experience. [00:10:44] I had it lucky in July. [00:10:47] I still keep in contact with this person now. And [00:10:49] he's still very much in the closet. And as we say [00:10:55] that enough that he sees last [00:11:00] did some work with Victoria night Council. And [00:11:05] I used to be a facilitator for dropping group [00:11:09] founder. Right, Haynes and I've actually been through it all coming at thing with a lot of a lot of young guys. And because I was always the one that was asked and had the knowledge I got crushing in my half in the past kicked him out. And I think so many people make so many different mistakes. And so many people make some very good decisions. [00:11:29] And I think [00:11:32] the best thing for me to say to someone who's thinking about coming up and go talk and absolutely play shy is to just follow your heart and go with your gut feeling. You know, it's like things will change. The minute he say it out loud. And I suggest saying it out loud to yourself until you believe it before you say that loud to somebody else. [00:12:00] Yeah, do you think change your life will change dramatically [00:12:08] in a very long journey to get to where I am today. Very, very long journey and a very hard journey. But I look back now and I think well, would I change it? That's the one question I thought I still pose to myself, would I change any of it? And the answer that I come up with is no, I think that if I were to change one little thing, one little bitty thing that happened, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I wouldn't say [00:12:38] strong willed, [00:12:41] emotional, [00:12:43] together person that I am. You know, we all learn through mistakes. And through experience. And if you block yourself from feeling anything, or doing anything, [00:12:58] you know, you'll never really [00:13:00] achieve ultimate happiness, I suppose. [00:13:05] And I can honestly [00:13:05] say at 23 years old, [00:13:08] that I am happy. And [00:13:12] finding, finding that happiness finding that place that makes me happy. gets me through the bad times is something crops up or a natural rough time if I'm feeling really lonely, or, you know, I have to deal with problem. [00:13:26] It doesn't. [00:13:28] I feel Yeah, I fall down. But I don't fall as far. And I've got tools on board to be able to pick myself up in a very confident why. And if I've made the mistake, I can admit to it and learn from it and go [00:13:45] Well, hey, I fucked up. [00:13:49] But I'll do it again. And if I do again, I'll do it differently. And if it doesn't work, I'll try it again. And again. And again. You know, nobody's perfect. Nobody's always Ross, nobody's always wrong. [00:14:01] You know, it's [00:14:04] about it's about the individual. It's about you, [00:14:08] being who you are. And [00:14:11] you choose to feel how you feel you choose to be how you be none of contains that they can have an impact on you. Yes. And I can influence you. Yes. But ultimately we might be we make the decisions in our life and we need to empower those and go inside of ourselves. [00:14:29] I may I love me [00:14:33] Yay.
This page features computer generated text of the source audio - it is not a transcript. The Artificial Intelligence Text is provided to help users when searching for keywords or phrases. The text has not been manually checked for accuracy against the original audio and will contain many errors.