Snapshot 2000 - Randy

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[00:00:00] This program is brought to you by pride and z.com. [00:00:05] I was, I guess, about [00:00:09] 10 years old. And it was summer. And the boy across the street, his name was Bobby man. I saw him with his shirt off in jeans. And I was stunned by the build. He had, he was about 12, I would guess a little bit older than I, but the deep tan, and a muscular chest besides being very handsome. And it was the first time that I was having a conscious of having erotic feelings towards somewhat of my own sex. And I never got to tell him to do anything with him. It was just friends. But I always did try to, you know, see as much him as I could, because I just thought he was beautiful. At that time, of course, we're talking a lot of years back. Nobody, really, at least I didn't know what being gay was. And I just knew that you were supposed to if you were a male, like girls, so I just dismissed it. And the few subsequent experiences that I had like that, through the years, I also just enjoyed them for what they were and, and I got to chase girls like every other boy and go out with girls and [00:01:38] eventually got married. [00:01:42] And I have to say that I did love her and I did have exciting sexual times with her. So I think that what I was hoping for was I would grow out of my desire for men also. And it didn't happen that way. Of course, the older I got, the more attracted to guys. I was and then seeing some of the promo erotic magazines on the newsstands It was so famous. And in those, you know, I in those magazines, I found out that there must have been an awful lot of other people like me for more than I ever thought. And I started buying those magazines, and they started getting excited by the models and the pictures, you know, athletic model guild and places like that, mostly from California at the time, male physique and muscle boy, what my favorite magazine, lot of New York, if you know any of those. And, of course, doing that well being married, I had to eventually get to a point where I just decided, I guess this is the way I am, I now know that I must be bisexual. And [00:03:06] I just [00:03:08] accepted the fact and knew that I had to hide it from everybody. And of course, the older I got, I seem to go more towards male rather than females. And eventually, after many years of marriage, my wife came home unexpectedly, from work sick. And I didn't hear her command because we had a four level house and I was up in the office, and she heard me on the phone with another guy. And she knew right away, you know that things were, were the way they were. And when I told her she being very religious, decided that as much as it would hurt her, she'd have to devote me because she couldn't share me with a man or have even have that thought. So I was divorced. Good I, she felt that I had betrayed her. And I felt that if she really feels that way, I I shouldn't ruin her life any more than perhaps they had already stuck. And with three children. My brother who was a minister found out about it, he hasn't talked to me or had any relation with me whatsoever since 1980. [00:04:36] So that's 20 years of [00:04:40] deciding that was not worth being a brother to any longer. And my mother, also very religious left me deciding that I had ruined her name and, and hidden all of this from her that I was unworthy of my father stayed with me. And my father helped me on the on the sidelines without anybody knowing about it. And he was wonderful. But of course, they both gone now. All this time, of course, with four degrees [00:05:16] up to a PhD high. [00:05:20] New know full well that there wasn't anything wrong with homosexuality, that it was just another orientation of life, the good Lord made diversity and everything he created. So why should people be any different than I, I got an intellectual and emotional satisfaction to my situation, although I was saddened by what I did to my wife and my children, fortunately, stayed with me to my father didn't care. And I mean, he cared but I mean, he wasn't going to stop loving me. And neither were my children. But they were not as religious as the mother and the brother. And I think that is a testament to what happens with people who are really not truly religious, but into religiosity or Christian churchy entity, whatever you might want to call it. But as a professor of psychology, it is clear in my mind that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. There never was. And the problem is really with society. The first sexual experience that I recall, if you want to call it sexual is something that I remember to this day as if it happened yesterday, because it was so wonderful. A friend of mine, Carmen, his name was Italian kid. He and I used to go to the movies a lot 10 I don't know how it started. But sitting in the theater, watching a movie in the winter, we just, we put our coats over a head so that we wouldn't be seen, and we can underneath the code. For the whole time of the show, he just couldn't get enough and couldn't stop. And when I think back now, I'm wondering, you know, what did the people in the next row think? Nobody ever test this on the shoulder and said, What are you doing, or anything like that nobody ever bothered us. But we had a wonderful time. kissing each other and, and all of that under the under the code in the darkened theater. And I remember that as my first sexual experience. It wasn't anything complete, but it was extremely exciting. I've never been able to recall what led up to it. He wasn't attractive to me in the sense that Bobby mantello was, he was just a friend. And he never expressed any interest in in real sex with me either. But for some reason, or other, I guess maybe we were copying what was on the screen, I don't know. But for some reason, we just wanted to do that with each other. And we, we enjoyed it so much, that we couldn't stop. Coming out, I would say that course it depends on your age, certainly, if you're a teenager, you have to remember that you don't have economic security, you don't really know you may think you do, how your parents will react, I would have said my father would leave me and my mother would stay with me and it worked out just the opposite. So I would say, be sure that you can take care of yourself, if you have to be sure that you have some kind of support of friends, that will you will not be alone should that various things come of, of your coming out. And wait until the time when you're strong enough as a man or a woman to to let people know. Because there are a lot of people really that don't care. And in this year 2000 they just don't care as long as you're a nice person. But there are those fanatics who do. I mean, we hear this guy Gary bauuer. Today, stepping out of our election and saying that he will continue to mount attacks against gays, and abortion. And that's the kind of mentality that you really have to be sure that someone you coming out to doesn't [00:09:33] have because [00:09:35] they will turn on you. And [00:09:40] I think that in this society here is much money that you may have to take care of yourself educationally and realistically for the necessities and maybe a house and all of us. You really far better off coming from a strong point to come out. Then other people will find it much more difficult to disown you to leave you. But it's not a nice process, although I have known people who've come out and they've had wonderful experiences with it. But there's nothing guaranteed here because this is a very sensitive subject for some people.

This page features computer generated text of the source audio - it is not a transcript. The Artificial Intelligence Text is provided to help users when searching for keywords or phrases. The text has not been manually checked for accuracy against the original audio and will contain many errors.