Snapshot 2000 - first same-sex experience

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[00:00:00] This program is brought to you by Friday and seeds don't come [00:00:07] through. And [00:00:09] I was extremely, extremely nervous. I knew I was wanting to be with another guy. But to be quite honest, I didn't really know [00:00:19] what to do or how to [00:00:20] go about doing it, or how I should feel. I can always remember the ride, driving to the side, [00:00:26] five hours, just cycling. [00:00:28] And I knew I wanted to do it. But I didn't know what I would do when I got there. And we ended up discussing for about two hours solid that we both ends up with really solid. And that was my first encounter. I saw the sky game, I don't know why but we contact each other again. And we managed to [00:00:50] fumble around the [00:00:51] corner, by phone our colleagues and [00:00:55] type with each other and, but that was the extent [00:00:57] of what happened. It's just the thing. Once as you get older, the more you do what you learn what you like, and you tend to hate more towards that. But as it as I really had no idea. [00:01:13] I had a lot of [00:01:14] conflicts doing it, simply because I had always been brought up a Christian. And it was all always [00:01:24] have done the wrong thing. I felt really duty, really bad. [00:01:31] At the time, my parents night, and there was no one really to talk to, I could talk to my best friend to I came out to but as he wasn't gay, he really had very little interest and wasn't really into listening about me and my first gay sexual experience. [00:01:48] It took a while for the bed feeling together. But once the feeling of guilt wins, and I actually better realize it was a hell I did actually enjoy it made me feel a lot better. At the very my first real sexual experience was with somebody in my secondary school, which is the school you go to from the age of 1115. In the UK, and a chat, a lab coat, Matthew, we were the same age. And we had to go on a camping trip. And in this country, that means intense. Intense, actually on the campus. But it was pretty intense. And we ended up traveling to this side in the middle of a morning call. But again, very remote, very windy, very wet. And it was single September. And Matthew and I had always played together and hung out and done stuff going sounds given the lunch hour and just had a good time. And that was that that you probably can't explain or understand. But you know, is that is that that? that exact intense? mind numbing for the electric spark between us and excitement. And you can't quite define it because he's never experienced that you don't know what's going to come and read this campsite campaign doing the things that teachers make you do when you're a kid like rescuing barrels out of right. You know, read for the first be likes and all that sort of malarkey. And nighttime came and Matthew said to me just as a rule getting into the mode when you come in there next to me and I thought Yeah, why not? I know we are late and my best friend Ben. But I went to lay with Matthew not a within the biblical sense. But they make sense. And I was we weren't sleeping those the usual for lattice laughter that you began playing around. And in the middle that I saw his hand on my sleeping bag and I was still with him again, and then just anticipation and excitement. And I reciprocated it was the old tag games I think I've read a lot of first time sexual relationship based on is that you touch me here, I'll touch you there. And and it continues and hands when under sleeping bags. And I'm in one particularly emotive and exciting part was that we were writing words on each other's summer, because we couldn't talk because they had absolutely silent you have to remember that coma was not a place that was very respectful of things that when the norm is sleeping with relatives and driving tractors, that we have to be very, very quiet about it. So he was spitting out words on each other's bodies, which was intensely erotic. Not intentionally, but through necessitated sometimes things that you do to the best of the all of the nature of it. And it was sort of are you enjoying this? Yes, I am. Obviously it's a very long period of time. But the one thing [00:04:29] that we never completed that sexual [00:04:32] actors as you would read in science, and maybe that was a little part of my insecurity not wanting to give every single one so I just pretended for sleep and, and the next morning we woke up and it was as if nothing ever happened until a couple of weeks later when it became a relationship the last time with my first proper sexual experience, as in the delivery system sexual experience with another man alone would have been with my friend Michael. And it was a deliberate act i i had gone to visit my friend, Peter, as it was Peter Marco brothers, Peter was my good friend through high school, one of my very best friends. And we knew it's Peters birthday, and went to visit him But Michael was visiting as well. Which Peter Happy birthday. And I had macula time with the sink idea in my head that Michael could be interested in doing sex. And as a drug Michael, not too far away from that house where he was living. At the time, my mom gave me a kiss goodnight. And then he just leaned over and he put his hand on my leg. let's identify growing help me going hot. And he said, I think you'd better come inside. Even though we're a bit pissed at the time. Remember being enjoyable, marketer accountable, friendly person. And he wasn't an old demanding he was very Tyson. And it was good fun. I stayed the night. We had breakfast, solid was flat nights. It was a totally positive, enjoyable experience. And the certainly wasn't even the expectation that more has become with it. It was a case of this is a good thing for us to do, will do it. And we'll see each other again, Katrin sent social circles really positive way to start and to to go from there in terms of knowing that like trust, and friendship and enjoyment can go to say the first time was I think in 97. Like around October nine, seven, I met that guy on the internet, he and I talked to him. And my I was trying to experience what gay sexes. And I talked to him. And I went to his apartment and we talked and then we get really interested in each other. So we did kiss and then we went to our sex. And as I didn't know anything about anything at all, I was kind of nervous and wanting to experience stuff. And I call him like, as I seen in upon I want to have anal sex. And then he said he will do it. Because I think, you know, he is really sort of care for me, because I'm still virgin. And he has a big endowment. [00:07:57] So [00:07:58] he's one of the best gay guy that I've seen. And it I'll never see him again. And then I forgot to get his address. So I didn't email him or anything. And so I sort of wanting to experience other guys, I don't, I don't know, I think it's not right. But many gay people do that. And I think this is what I sometimes I think is what gave life is seeing a lot of different sides, which is why a lot of us wind up getting AIDS or HIV. So I went to see a couple of several guys. But and feel the same way as the first time. They went gentle, you know. So I think it's really hard to find someone like that first guy again. [00:08:47] But [00:08:50] I don't know, I still want to experience with several more guys, you know, to have different experience, but they just don't feel the same as first time. It's memorable. And it's really what lovemaking is not like other times what I feel what I really want as gentle and romantic stuff is not say it has nothing to do with like sex, but the way he touches us. It just feels so good. I think this is what sex is about doesn't have to be a two factor are [00:09:27] not to having sex in the last guys, which is like excitement and what you see in the porn, I feel that this is not all about [00:09:37] it was the first time I reached out and actually met a guy with the intention of having sex with him, which was which was very strange and exciting and and and, and, and exciting as well. At the same time. It was like completely nervous. And we met on the street and went into a bar. And remember that the cloak lady was a psychic. And she's like, Oh, I think good vibes here. And it was all very good science and everything. You know, I don't even those kinds of things. And it really clicked I think he was working for some French cognac firm in New York. And we decided to go home to my place. And I think what we did is just cuddled and touched and stroked a bit, which was already all the way for me because I never, I never touched the man. I never I never dared to look at him and naked. And remember, we're naked, that that's that's for sure. And I immediately invited him into my life through a concert, which was going on that next day or two days off of it. And I saw you have to come along with me. And you know, for me, he was that was it. He was my boyfriend now. [00:10:50] And he said Sure, sure, sure. And [00:10:52] I think I gave him my number he I don't think he gave my number. He gave his number to me. And of course he never called. And I couldn't reach him and I was devastated for four weeks. I was like, I hope so. I don't know, let down. It's like this is this is this is this was this was supposed to be my dream come true. And but I felt I think I felt I felt very devastated about his just standing me up. But I think I felt and also felt good about having done this. And I didn't feel ashamed. I didn't feel any negative feelings about that. I can't recall now I don't think so. [00:11:33] My best sexual experience all it was hideous. [00:11:37] I think it was it was shopping say it's out Believe it or not. It was just, I look back now. And I think how could I have ever done it? But it was my physics of the students. And it is as vivid now as it is. If it's if it's not the right place? Is it clear now to me now as it was then. And I actually went to the public toilet and I had a note slipped to me under the water. That said, I would like help masturbating. Can you help me and I was like, okay, being the naive young idiot that I was. So that was my first experience under the wall of a bloody toilet block. [00:12:17] So, [00:12:19] yes, my first real [00:12:20] lovemaking experience, [00:12:23] I would have to say, was with a guy I actually went to school with, we always sort of hung out together for that g7 onwards, and I got to let you know, we sort of, you know, we're hitting a slice off the school studying one day. And, you know, one thing led to another and I remember that very, very clearly, it was probably one of the most scary, scary experiences I've been through. It is is having openings, and all the excitement and the that stuff that goes on they having that reciprocated from this person. And having that combined and like just having him touch me and, and touching his skin was [00:13:17] mind blowing it. Yeah, I've gone off into lala land. But it really was mind blowing. And [00:13:25] we spent the next couple of years fooling around, forget it was my first he was my sexual partner for about three years. We basically went to do everything together and explored as sexuality to gamify. In a way, I was lucky that I had that I I look back now and I say we went boyfriends. [00:13:48] I think we were more [00:13:51] lovers in a way. And we'd sort of discovered our bodies together and intellectual stuff. And I got to a point where we're actually finance and I can I took that step and then everything's going to change for me my life. It was was was no longer a big secret that I had to sneak around and, and do all this stuff. I could be open about it with my family. And not so much my friends because I kept it to myself at school. I didn't know I speculated. But I think the difference between people speculating people knowing is a very big jump. Many people know something, instead of speculating it, things change dramatically. So I tried to avoid, I would try to avoid that big dramatic jump, because I didn't want things to get any worse. [00:14:44] Sometimes, again, Sanchez is my first lovemaking experience. [00:14:49] I had it lucky. [00:14:53] I took it in contact with the stars and now and hey, still very much in the closet. And as we die, [00:15:01] got enough that [00:15:03] it lost [00:15:04] my first sexual experience whether [00:15:09] it was not a good one. [00:15:12] It was [00:15:14] with a chemist I met through medical and [00:15:18] well, it was the first time accepted to meet someone in in his own flats. And just a few minutes after coming in his class, he helped me to, to put my clothes off, and I want you to have sex with me. So I was quite surprised because for me, sex and love were connected. It is not always the case. It is the case for me. At the moment, I thought and I still think that's it. [00:16:00] Sex when you love a person you have sex with [00:16:04] this candidate Did you know things like this? So [00:16:08] I was curious. I wanted to know what it was. And I must admit it. [00:16:13] But at the same time, [00:16:16] I didn't love really that guy. [00:16:22] It was quite surprising. It was like acting and being witness of your act at the same time. See? [00:16:30] That wasn't love at all, for me. [00:16:34] Something something cynical, nothing else. So after that, I must admit and didn't feel quite well. [00:16:44] I wonder why can I [00:16:48] must be so maybe [00:16:52] I had to ask no sexual life at all. [00:16:57] I don't regret this [00:17:00] when you first come out as logically also be arraigned as opposed to be the way of putting it. And you think you know everything. And that's and you just rush into things. And I suppose that's one thing I regret for time. And I suppose I just wanted just to experience stuff. And it was nothing. It's just a rice kind of. I mean, the Curiosity is there. But I do recommend waiting. I've just recently broken up with a long term relationship that will really have I mean, my first time I guess it's just a learning experience. And you get through it and like I had known system for a while. So it's a good thing I suppose. But I suppose this is something that always happens and that curiosity does kick in. And you are Randy and ornate. And you home and Tycho The thing is, I find a lot of older men often like to go for younger people. That's one mistake I've never made, I can say I think that's one thing, we would have to be careful, careful of that people feel the same. And they do lie a lot. And especially in the clubbing, sand and all that you will get people that will make you feel wonderful, but only once you for one thing again, it's just this old man looking for one thing, and there's nothing really there. I've seen it so much. In fact, it's the older men going for younger people. And f5 the younger people are vulnerable because they want support and someone to hold in the older men neither for the take advantage of it. So that's one thing I say to be very careful with because you can get trapped in you might not realize it but it does happen. And I'm the I try to warn people all the time of assets [00:18:37] and [00:18:39] good to not just like to stand up and just realize I'm going to be careful and I'm not going to rush into anything. So yeah. You always knew that. I remember you always feel nervous whenever anything sexual happens from kissing to holding hands when I sing always like you know while with hang at the Hi this is a weird experience and you get used to it. And it becomes my platform as it's with someone you really like it becomes an amazing thing. So just don't rush into it would be my advice. Just a wife and you will find someone that you feel special about Yeah. I think the first time I had six real sex was with this guy I met at the bar the foot my first boyfriend and there's an older guy. And I think I think the first night when we met He brought me home when we kiss in the car and we fumbled a bit I can't remember how it was how I felt it wasn't it wasn't great. I mean obviously I had to learn everything and it must have been great then for me but I've learned so much ever since I've grown so much I'm completely different person now and I can't really relate to that person anymore was it eight or nine years ago 10 years ago and if anything it was a such a relief to to come out it was like this huge weight fell off me and I could finally start being myself and getting to know myself and and and grow and learn and be feel confident and become confident I wasn't [00:20:28] I wasn't disable shadow of myself anymore. [00:20:31] It was me I didn't have any secrets anymore. [00:20:34] I really didn't have any secrets. And and I and that actually made me a complete different person and being very extrovert and very open about what I felt and how I felt and and what I thought and and what happened to me and you know very open to other people and that attracted a lot of people to and I completely change from from being rather timid and shy and and and your the guy who gets six laughed at the gym lessons at high school and to a very open friendly extrovert person with a lot of friends very entertaining and yeah. person that a lot of people like I think I just chatted to this guy on the internet and then he came down to [00:21:23] price boarding up [00:21:27] the lady that I bought it with for the wife and a not [00:21:30] a sort of cultural [00:21:33] a bit nervous. [00:21:35] And then [00:21:40] mind me bit of all that sort of money [00:21:44] link to that [00:21:47] and I guess sort of afterwards [00:21:50] monitoring pretty much [00:21:53] by the way on [00:21:55] Monday night change for safe I guess [00:22:02] the first few times I guess I [00:22:04] sort of enjoyed it [00:22:08] so get them alive quick on that [00:22:13] painful I guess [00:22:13] because I wasn't [00:22:16] thought nothing of that coming hi [00:22:21] can encode whatever thoughts [00:22:23] get better than the quick [00:22:29] coming up [00:22:32] have to worry about any of that anymore. [00:22:35] So sort of a wall when I [00:22:37] first heard of [00:22:39] that to the guys and I don't know six [00:22:42] months or more after that. And then I first came [00:22:46] out [00:22:50] some of the messages that made me say hey, [00:22:51] I think [00:22:54] came to an end I was at [00:22:55] h [00:23:03] i was a kid about it. [00:23:07] Being a bit older [00:23:09] and everywhere I went he was right behind me. He wanted [00:23:16] to own it. off we went [00:23:20] and I was like [00:23:22] I kept humbling around. I didn't know what to do or [00:23:27] or anything like that. [00:23:31] I just remember [00:23:33] holding a [00:23:35] feeling like I had never ever felt before. He was it was it was so hard I can remember that. [00:23:45] Okay, bye Jackie. [00:23:56] I can remember clearly what I feel now. [00:23:58] And I wait nothing from the following was nowhere to be found. Like a [00:24:05] normal Fest in Kansas that must sustain a 16 year old you don't know what you're doing you fumbling around [00:24:13] I guess that was that [00:24:15] was the start of a number for either cheaper than nothing about math in Kansas with cheap and unsatisfying Kansas [00:24:22] it [00:24:25] fishy towns I guess it was I can't get activated. He's told me sort of sneaked off [00:24:37] the internet intimacy has to be number two for the person that you were [00:24:46] trying to send to find your identity least get to know a little bit about [00:24:51] the first marriage [00:24:51] I was worth was about that six months ago when I came out. [00:24:56] And yeah, it was [00:25:00] different to what I thought it would be. [00:25:01] I felt Yeah, I felt good. [00:25:03] Because I'd been there done that but that's like the weather just proving that I was gay as like yeah, [00:25:09] I really like the sky and the way we ended up in [00:25:13] the but we ended up not being friends after that. So that that is a little [00:25:16] to no no. Just being used. Yeah. [00:25:20] Was wasn't wasn't as [00:25:22] what would you call it [00:25:25] wasn't when the build up was to it. It was a bit of a letdown. [00:25:31] Before [00:25:32] was great. I was really excited nervous. Everything else [00:25:35] during was great. [00:25:36] Afterwards, I was a bit down. But [00:25:39] yeah, that was just because it wasn't what I was expecting. [00:25:43] Yeah, it got better and better off that it's on the offset. Anyway. So [00:25:50] my first non sexual experience was an absolute nightmare. [00:25:56] One night as this mix bar, [00:26:00] mommy actually picked me up [00:26:01] and told me that she's pie in [00:26:07] the sky was amazing. Doing it was okay. It wasn't what I really expected. But when that next morning, when I got high, I was really, [00:26:21] really upset. [00:26:24] I was expecting something absolutely out of this world. For me absolutely amazing. [00:26:32] Firstly, or from [00:26:35] that morning, I'm [00:26:40] disgusted myself. [00:26:42] My c'est la vie virginity to God for her ago. So I get married and have kids and how the stationwagon all that nice thing. And also actually totally destroyed my life. I wasn't for a couple years after that I [00:26:58] actually met some really nice, very caring, and [00:27:03] made. [00:27:05] It took a while for me actually just to [00:27:09] sort of fiddled around, you know, with the boy next door. That was when I was about [00:27:15] 14 or 15. And [00:27:19] just experimenting and a squad crew. [00:27:22] first real experience was when I was 21. [00:27:27] For the experience, I was extremely nervous, of shaking almost uncontrollably. It was funny, fun, again, to experiment with something I've been thinking about for 10 years. [00:27:43] And [00:27:44] during it as still shaking, but he was he was a very nice guy, and so on drugs, [00:27:50] with RTD had some sort of [00:27:53] relax into some sort of big place. [00:27:59] And then afterwards incredible guilt, because I've been told by the Catholic Church, so that was a bad thing to do. I don't have those good feelings anymore. Because [00:28:12] it happens when I was in the army. It was [00:28:18] just naturally happen with no one around. And we have to stay true to when I became an in winter, it's quite cold. And we just try [00:28:28] to keep [00:28:30] it as [00:28:33] low in the same day watching TV. And just, you know, mostly with cutaways and trying to be warm because there's no heat. [00:28:43] And, and that's when, when it's happened. For the [00:28:49] jerking off, there's nothing nothing like you know, [00:28:54] just whacking it. And then we make Sarah she's so out. I felt so bad. He has had the same way. And we can look into the in the house. [00:29:06] Couple of funds. We can't even speak to each other. And it was quite bizarre, because I think is probably the [00:29:15] first time for both of us had experienced that. [00:29:18] And we'll proceed you to [00:29:21] change and maybe stupid. [00:29:25] And [00:29:26] but at the same time you still enjoys current cycling, and [00:29:33] sexual [00:29:37] advantage who happens to be a man next two years. So that was my first time experience. And then, although we didn't really talk to each other for a long time. And actually, it happened again, happen again. Correct. It is again, sounds quite strange. And after a couple of years, I'm I knew he got mad. [00:30:02] I think that's the way [00:30:04] that I knew I was married. [00:30:06] I think it's like now basically. And he was rightfully well. [00:30:12] I haven't really had much sexual experience I have but I haven't. I haven't been around that long have any been out for two years. And I'm sort of getting used to the gig scene of in singles is a very talented but I used to kiss a lot of boys and and not. But Alyssa did that when I was with girls. [00:30:32] I'm quite feminine, I think. And like feminine males. [00:30:40] The first experience would have had today. Yeah. [00:30:48] It's when I was 21 of this came out and 22 now But [00:30:52] yeah, I remember meeting this guy [00:30:56] is very thin, had blond hair, leather pants. And you were standing behind me and I kept looking at him. And I was a person that would go up to someone I've never been very shy. So I went up to this guy's gonna spoke to him, and winds up kissing. And then about a week later, I started seeing him. And I went to his house, which was me, the nightclubs and the Gay Straight commission road. And I remember saying to him, I can play with you. But you know, let her play with me. Then he eventually took me upstairs where he was a lot older than me, he was [00:31:37] 25. So he knew [00:31:39] what to do. And I didn't do any anal sex with him. It was mainly just foreplay. [00:31:44] And I started seeing him for [00:31:47] about two, three weeks, and then I never spoke to him again. [00:31:51] So that was just [00:31:52] the first experience that of thing. [00:31:56] The first sexual [00:31:57] experience that I recall, if you want to call it sexual is something that I remember to this day as if it happened yesterday, because it was so wonderful. A friend of mine, Carmen, his name was Italian kid. He and I used to go to the movies a lot 10 I don't know how it started. But sitting in the theater watching a movie in the winter, we just we put our clothes over our heads so that we wouldn't be seen, and we get underneath the coats. For the whole time of the show, we just couldn't get enough and couldn't stop. And when I think back now I'm wondering, you know, what did the people in the next row think nobody ever test this on the shoulder and said, What are you doing, or anything like that nobody ever bother this, but we had a wonderful time. kissing each other and, and all of that under this under the code in the darkness. And I remember that as my first sexual experience. It wasn't anything complete, but it was extremely exciting. [00:33:11] I've never been able to recall what led [00:33:13] up to it. He wasn't attractive to me in the sense that Bobby mantello was, he was just a friend. And he never expressed any interest in in real sex with me either. But for some reason or other, I guess, maybe we were copying what was on the screen, I don't know. But for some reason, we just wanted to do that with each other. And we, we enjoyed it so much that [00:33:41] we couldn't stop [00:33:43] my first experience and started off with somebody that was the same age as me. And I got to know him very well, before anything really happened. I was very scared, yes, a time to, to even experiment with anything, as I hadn't done that with that close together. But she actually started going to college. During pretty much near me, there was Minnesota, and we became very close that way. And things just started to progress. And one thing led to another and we sort of became very close to passionate together. And the first time anything ever happened, it was it was really something that felt connected, something that I had been longing for that was missing in my life, something just totally valuable that, you know, I couldn't even explain it. And it's just something at me that was missing that I was playing the straight role for my whole life type of assignment completely complete. And it was it was a great feeling. And this is changed me in a way that it's helped me figure, figure out that who I am is so important. Another reason why holding back is going to alter your being if you don't [00:35:21] tell people to truly learn [00:35:25] more about [00:35:27] before I was actually really anxious. I read been drinking quite a bit too. And I was still just really nervous and really 10. And I don't know, but at the same time just really excited. Just because I mean I'd never had an opportunity to act out anything. And it was enjoyable, but sort of like in a like I'm doing something that sort of naughty way. Just because I think even though even though I felt a little I felt I'm uncomfortable with it. With the idea of being gay, I still had a lot of [00:36:03] a lot of [00:36:05] I don't know, just sort of guilt about it. And I didn't realize that. [00:36:11] I don't know, I didn't see that until actually after we were after. after we were done. [00:36:19] I felt extremely guilty. I felt, [00:36:23] I don't know, I can't explain it, it was a really strange sensation. because on one hand, I knew there wasn't anything wrong with what I had done. But I just been so ingrained with the idea that it was a bad thing, that I didn't really let myself like enjoy it after half like an afterglow, or anything, you know, and I don't know, it actually took me quite a while to be able to really enjoy having sex with somebody even though somebody something that I really wanted to do. And it was something that you can really enjoy doing. You know, it's just something I don't know, it's sometimes it's hard to let go of something that you've been told all of your life. While it while I was actually having sex with them, I was just sort of wondering, you know, is it is it really is this really what it's all about? Is this really, [00:37:11] it's just like, [00:37:12] I don't know, there wasn't really, there wasn't really a connection to it, there wasn't really any emotion involved in it beyond just like, I wanted to have like a really quick thought, and [00:37:25] go on. [00:37:29] Maybe that's part of what I felt [00:37:30] guilty about, let's just say I'd always offer, I don't know, it's also [00:37:33] part of like, just the [00:37:36] Christian idea of facts is like, not necessarily that it's so, so bad to have sex, but there should you should it should be in a loving [00:37:46] environment, a loving relationship. [00:37:47] I think I think that also contributed to [00:37:52] whether the most positive experience [00:37:56] my first sexual experience, I remember that was with some friend that I was going to school with. [00:38:04] And [00:38:06] so I met him quite a while and I think I was only about 16 I think and we both had a bit to drink and have various his health and effects it was getting out with like housing at the time. And with me to the little just a nap together, and I was staying over there and had a bit to drink and things just happened that I didn't really feel like didn't really feel like a sexual experience, because it was all really secretive. And it was almost like, you know, this happened sort of thing. It really feel like I'd good friend anything about myself at all. That seemed to be a much more of an emotional thing. But something that came from the inside something that came out, you know, Dino dad to being honest with my self rather than anything else. But we're a bit I guess the the experience that will be memorable in that it was thought the first opportunity I guess, before that it was all just sort of fantasy, in 24 hours of fantasy, imagining what I'm doing. And if we say that, after that, after I came out my first sexual experience was that the first person to get my hands on Really? [00:39:30] And was good. Yeah, I can recall at some [00:39:35] call a big, quite comfortable. [00:39:38] And, of course, it's the first time you do this. And the first time you do that, and there's a few first. [00:39:46] And then we'll go to memorable I [00:39:48] recall, [00:39:50] the first year after I came out was really quite active. And it was [00:39:56] a bit of both, but I was counting the number different people that have been with [00:40:03] that was almost like a bit of a game [00:40:06] MMO that isn't all [00:40:07] that unusual, I just guess it is. I think about now [00:40:13] that was exciting time, I mean just sort of exploring different situations as well. And different people [00:40:23] get a little bit older, it [00:40:26] that sort of adventuring sort of stopped a little bit. But [00:40:32] the thought of it doesn't, doesn't go away. [00:40:36] My first sexual experience is something that I had, to a certain extent planned in the fact that I had now been seeing this person I had developed an emotional bond with them. And so I assumed that they would be the first person that I would have sex with. [00:40:54] The first sexual [00:40:56] experience I had was instant sentence, as much sex as it was just a lot of kissing. And that happened all night one night on my parents lounge. And I think that, to me, was the most special moments and my actual first sexual experience, which happened The following night. Something that I'd always been interested in was, what the sensation of kissing somebody was, and having just that close smell smell contact. [00:41:29] In terms of a sexual experience, [00:41:32] I think it wasn't that big a deal. And I ended up having sex. Because to me, I wasn't anything more than what I could have done to myself in terms of this. The release of sexual tension or anything like that. What had gone on the night before with the intimacy between me and my boyfriend, to me was a lot more significant in my life, then, anything that had come before all that had come off, I think that was the turning point. Because that was my first [00:42:04] time, sort of realizing I guess that I was gay, and that this wasn't a disgusting thing for me to do or anything like that. It just felt very natural. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed hugging and kissing and just having that bond. [00:42:22] And I guess [00:42:24] for me now, with even in when I'm having sex with somebody is always the intimacy that I look forward to when during sex, probably more or as much as the actual art of having sex. [00:42:42] I think I've always had desires for guys. I mean, I've had lots of girlfriends when I [00:42:46] was younger, I was never any fake. It was never [00:42:51] the right time or the right place for a relationship with a woman and even became serious with a woman always turned pad. [00:43:02] I keep thinking to myself, no, it's just me just to be paranoid. But I had a lot of frame that guys. I mean, I didn't mess up, I didn't [00:43:12] hit six. And if I really had a [00:43:15] desire for that in there before they no more weight trains were bad guys. [00:43:20] And I thought there was just a face. [00:43:24] And there's just one train, there was always my dream over and over. And [00:43:30] one night [00:43:32] some guys for to talk to our history, which I was deleted. [00:43:37] Same thing happened to me in the bad that happened to me in my dream. And [00:43:43] it became reality [00:43:45] in our news that I was gay. Because my brain stopped. And I didn't feel so insecure. I felt [00:43:54] that fan, much resell [00:43:56] and that was sitting in the bag with the sky. [00:44:00] We love and [00:44:03] appreciate that clearly in my mind. I was it was all I could say was from the neck down. [00:44:09] And I was sitting next to him and [00:44:13] watch him patients come [00:44:16] to me and I reached over and grabbed his [00:44:21] there was my dream. [00:44:22] That's all it ever was. And none of my friends were HIV sexual. Sexual, it was always emotional. And like [00:44:32] two guys, you know, proud each other all [00:44:36] for Lego kisses is never ever sexually vape. So guys, thanks very much rain, which is good. So [00:44:49] before I can add, it was [00:44:52] one of my friends, we're [00:44:55] party we deserve to fight crushing my hand. Right now they're [00:45:02] having a few drinks, talking. And [00:45:06] I found that he was going to be moving away. [00:45:10] And [00:45:12] we talked about also some things about life about that feeling. And was another one he didn't have a girlfriend that no one could have picked anything about him that he made me he was gay. And I've been to my house. And then he Christian me because I had a girlfriend at the time. [00:45:32] And just because it was like the case. Yeah, I am. I'm gags like, [00:45:39] you know, this isn't something that had with something like this. [00:45:44] I really felt like it was the perfect thing to do. And yeah. [00:45:51] I don't know how to explain it was just it was just good to come out. And no, there wasn't any further and phenomena K. And I could just hang up in the moment to say via better expressions of interest patient of life. If I we were talking about it, and he told me I just I didn't believe it this month. I didn't want to have it I didn't want to. And I was like you know, just kissing me for the thing for I [00:46:23] guess to say you know this Well, yes. [00:46:28] It was [00:46:31] how would you describe what [00:46:35] it was? [00:46:38] was really essential was [00:46:41] fun, and it was the same thing [00:46:48] for now, but afterwards it was a fight. We took really well and like we still keep in contact and stuff by email. Hallelujah. And realizing you know when I connected with other gay people, because I remember made me around for that I knew over the time until I did finally kind of

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