Snapshot 2000 - Christopher
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[00:00:00] This program [00:00:00] is brought to you by pride and z.com. I've never been able to, like actually give a good answer for when, when I first realized I was gay, it was just sort of, I don't know, I just I just always was and you know whether or not I knew how to verbalize that, [00:00:19] or whether or not [00:00:20] I even knew that, like, I necessarily had sexual feelings towards people, I just, [00:00:26] I don't know, it was just always there, somehow. [00:00:30] I grew up, I grew up in a really a really, [00:00:33] really Christian environment. [00:00:35] And when I, when I actually did start to, to hear, like, I don't know, people would always be saying, you know, it's just like, so evil, you know, you hear about these evil facts. And I was, like, I felt really excited about I was like, wow, you know, there are people out there that like, feel the same thing that I do. But at the same time, it was presented in a way that like it was, it was really a bad thing. And I should be so ashamed of it. And it took me a long time to be able to sort of break from that idea. And actually, part of part of being able to do that was [00:01:06] I had to, I had to sort of change my whole belief system, [00:01:09] I had to actually come out of Christianity for a while to be able [00:01:11] to, to have a, [00:01:14] an unbiased perspective on myself and just my own values. [00:01:18] And I don't know, there was, there was really very interesting time, that sort of happened a little bit starting in ninth grade. And I was spending a lot of time like, just by myself, I changed to public school, and I didn't really have a big circle of friends to, to sort of, I don't know, like when you when you change the when you totally change the people that you're hanging out with you can you can almost change, like everything that you believe you can change who you are a lot, a lot more easily than you can otherwise. And a lot of the time that that I was that I was hanging up on myself, I was watching Public Television. And they have a lot of fun, necessarily issues that I don't know, that has like a gay agenda or anything. But that it's [00:02:07] I don't know, there's [00:02:08] not like a homophobic bias to anything that I saw on PBS. And if anything, there actually worked some, some shows, I don't remember what they were called anymore. But they were actually like gay news shows. And that just totally blew me away. I mean, being able to see something like that, and just knowing like, you know, it's okay to be gay, and it's not an evil thing, and you're not going to be damned to hell, if you, you know, if you are gay, and it has like, some really cool, interesting debate shows about just religion and homosexuality and talking about with dignity. And I think that's what it's called, like a [00:02:46] group within the Catholic Church. And [00:02:53] just being just being exposed to that really helped me just feel more comfortable with myself. And I think that sort of made it possible for me to, like, start [00:03:02] talking openly with [00:03:03] some of my friends about that. [00:03:05] One thing that was really interesting, and I, I was taking German classes at a community college up in Dallas for a while, and I was taking all the classes for the same professor, she was actually from Germany, she was really cool. [00:03:19] But we were talking about [00:03:22] just being gay, that just came up in class one day. And she was, she was just totally blown away by like, the whole concept of coming out. And she was telling us, like, one year, a National Coming Out Day, some guy was over at dinner. [00:03:37] And [00:03:38] he just like, felt it was necessary to tell her that she was that he was gay. [00:03:41] And she was, I mean, she didn't care. [00:03:43] It was no [00:03:44] big deal at all. But just like, the whole phenomena of [00:03:47] that, she couldn't understand it. She was like, [00:03:49] so I'm straight, you know, [00:03:53] whatever. It was, I don't know, it was just really cool. [00:04:01] I don't know, I just think that's such a such a, like, healthy, [00:04:04] healthy thing, I think it would be so cool. It's like, it was no big deal. It's like nobody ever had to come out. Because nobody had to, like actively like, [00:04:11] say, you know, [00:04:13] I'm gay, you know, [00:04:14] or, like, make it make like a big emotional or deal out of it, you know, actually told my parents that was a that was a real disaster. Very, very religious. And I we still haven't like been able to completely [00:04:33] resolve resolve this, they think I'm going to go [00:04:35] to hell, the DVD think. I don't [00:04:40] know that. There's just a lot, we still have to work out on that. [00:04:44] But the situation that I actually [00:04:46] told my parents in the middle of fight [00:04:48] that we were having a [00:04:50] talking about whether I could drive the car, I just got my driver's license. And we're talking about property. Like, they said, I didn't respect their property. And I said, they didn't respect me and gentlemen, and it sort of, we started doing it like specific details. And like, I was trying to just sort of, like, do a top that thing like, Well, I didn't play out the shower this morning. Well, fine, you don't respect this, you don't respect that, and you don't respect my homosexuality. And like, it was just a really horrible, horrible way to do that, I wish I wish when i when i would have come [00:05:19] out to them. And then it would have been in a more, [00:05:23] more calm, [00:05:24] a more calm setting, I wish that I would have had like a lot more. I wish I would have had better social skills, better communication skills. [00:05:33] Nor did they. [00:05:38] They acted like I hadn't said it and just sort of went on with the argument. And they never spoke about it again after that for quite a while. The next, the next I really heard me mention of it, every now and then. If I had a friend over, it would be like, Well, you know, who was that? He gave the female your think you're gay? It was always, you know, do it. Okay. They [00:06:01] do. They had a really hard time. [00:06:05] accepting the fact that, you know, it's not, it's not like a temporary thing or a choice thing. So yeah, I mean, if they, right now, they're actually making a really big effort to to be really accepted. And that's really cool. It makes it makes it, it makes a big difference. To me, it means a lot to me, because I know how, how rigid their belief system is, in a way. And the fact that they're sort of like stepping beyond that, to me, just like, seeing through the dogma, to, to me as a person. [00:06:42] That really means a lot, it's really, it's really special. [00:06:48] Before I was actually really anxious, I, we've been drinking quite a bit, too. And it was still just really nervous and really tense. And I don't know, but at the same time, just really excited. Just because I mean, I'd never had an opportunity to act out anything. [00:07:09] And [00:07:10] it was enjoyable, but sort of like in a like, [00:07:14] I'm doing something good sort of naughty way. Just because I think even though even though I felt I felt a lot more comfortable with it, with the idea of being gay, I still had [00:07:23] a lot of a lot of, [00:07:26] I don't know, this sort of guilt about it. And I didn't realize that. [00:07:32] I don't know, I didn't see that until actually, after we were after. after we were done. [00:07:39] I felt extremely guilty, I felt, [00:07:44] I don't know, I can't explain it, it was a really strange sensation. because on one hand, I knew there wasn't anything wrong [00:07:49] with what I had done. [00:07:51] But I just been so ingrained with the idea that it was a bad thing, that I didn't really let myself like, enjoy it afterwards, half like an afterglow, or the big you know, and I don't know, it actually took me quite a while to be able to really enjoy having sex with somebody, even though it was somebody something that I really wanted to do, and it was something that you can really enjoy doing. You know, it's just something I don't know, it's, sometimes it's hard to let go of something that you've been told all of your life. [00:08:23] While while I was actually having sex with them, [00:08:25] I was [00:08:26] just sort of wondering, you know, is it is it really, is this really what it's all about? Is this really, it's just like, I don't know, there wasn't really, [00:08:36] there wasn't really a connection to and there wasn't really [00:08:40] any emotion [00:08:42] involved in it beyond just like, I would have to have like a really quick [00:08:44] thought and go on. [00:08:50] Maybe that's part of what I felt guilty about. Let's just say I'd always offer, I don't know, that's also part of like just the Christian idea of facts. It's like, not necessarily that it's so, so bad to have sex, that they should you should be in [00:09:05] a loving [00:09:07] environment, a loving relationship. [00:09:10] I think I think that also contributed to [00:09:13] whether the most positive experience [00:09:19] one thing I wish I would have done differently is actually, not really, when I when I came up to my side, I made, I sort of, I sort of made it a bit of a big deal about it, because I did feel really uncomfortable. And it was just like, I'd be like, I have something to tell you. And, you know, they don't want this to like jeopardize our friendship and because I didn't really know how people respond to it when I was when I was talking to my friends, they didn't really care, either that once I actually told them, it was just sort of, okay, you know, what's the big deal? Why do Why do I make a big fuss out of that, or if they just be like it. So the responses were pretty varied, but they there was nothing really negative. I definitely didn't lose any friends. I don't think anybody even felt really awkward about it. It was awkward about the fact that I was gay, maybe awkward about the way that I was presenting it. I don't know, I don't really think coming out, though, is that big a deal. I think it's more. I think it's more just being comfortable with yourself. And some people [00:10:19] I know there are a lot of people [00:10:20] that actually need to come out and they need to, like offend the fact that they're gay, and they need to have other people in front of that. And if that's the case that definitely come out of the closet and do whatever it takes because there's nothing worse than being unhappy with who you are and feeling like you're not being true to yourself. That I think I think the biggest thing is it. I don't know just just do what it takes to make you make you content and make you make you happy with with who you are.
This page features computer generated text of the source audio - it is not a transcript. The Artificial Intelligence Text is provided to help users when searching for keywords or phrases. The text has not been manually checked for accuracy against the original audio and will contain many errors.