Ryan Kennedy profile

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[00:00:00] This program is brought to you by pride in z.com. [00:00:07] Brian Kennedy, you've just [00:00:08] written a book, [00:00:10] just written a book just had a book published. In fact, [00:00:14] it's called if to name the boy within, and I co wrote it is Australia, North Hazel it floods. And so I was in Wellington, New Zealand, and she was in Melbourne, Australia. And we sent manuscripts back and forth for most of the year, I think, and ended up with a young adult fiction book published by Ford Street publishing. So yeah. [00:00:39] How did you know who have you always written stuff with her or [00:00:43] she's a family friend of so I've known her since I was 11. And, yes, she knew me as female for most of my life. And I caught up with her when I was in Melbourne in 2008. And we met up and she'd been working on a book about gender identity for younger kids in was just generally interested in my transition and thought I was looking pretty happy, which I was in, you thought this would be a good, good project for us. And so I, I'd kept a journal online while I was transitioning from when I went from a very before I decided to transition actually. So I went back and had a look at all I've written Dean and I, I sent over a version of that to her, and she thought it would be good, good sort of basis for a story. [00:01:36] And it's a book aimed at young people. [00:01:40] Yeah, hopefully, some young people eventually end up reading it we just had review is and people when I read it so far, so be really good to get some actual feedback from some kids. So I guess it's aimed it around, sort of 1213 onwards, the character, the main character, 18, has recently left school and has decided to transition from female to male is [00:02:08] that so is the book completely autobiographical. [00:02:11] It's actually not particularly autobiographical. [00:02:18] Little bit well [00:02:19] received superpowers [00:02:22] have traded and funded. [00:02:26] slow transition to 27. So it's a little bit of a fantasy for me actually, is, if I had had a book like this, if I had the information available to me, that age of you know, definitely transition a lot younger, it wasn't, it wasn't till I was 27, that I actually clicked it, it was, it was possible. And that was probably a year after hearing about other people who done the same thing, it took that long to sink in. But I drew on sort of my experience in the punk scene, it's in the punk scene. And I draw on my sort of experience with the medical sequence really, with all the doctors appointments, and psychiatrist assessments and all those sorts of things. And so that that was pretty much based on my experience, we changed it around a little bit. And I had to do some research, because found out that sort of my experience of the sequence here wasn't really particularly normal. Standard. And so just for this sort of flow of the story, and the continuity of the plot, and things, it was easy to change it a little bit. [00:03:33] So you transitioned when you were 27. What what was happening before you were 27, I was 26. Have you heard about a year year before you transitioned, I was pretty, [00:03:44] pretty unhappy and pretty frustrated. Actually, it seemed like I had tried everything to make my life work. And I still had not paid on the winning formula. You know, I tried sort of strike for me looking for work, and not really finding anything that was particularly satisfying. I tried sort of dropping out and being a being a prank activist, musician, and then I tried just working menial jobs, I tried working in professional jobs, when I could get them and it just seemed that nothing really worked. And even when I had a really great bunch of friends and thought that I could sort of get my life going in a good direction, I went back to uni again, and, and it just seemed it and my life was just continually imploding. Like, every every step I took didn't seem to be getting me forward. And then, and then I discovered, you know, these guys online who, and I was reading the journals, and I was on the live channel site. And it and that's when it clicked because it was like reading about me and I thought, wow, they're just like me, I could really do this, I could actually do this. And that was a that was pretty momentous. But yes, just just trying not understanding why nothing was working. And for so many years, things like years old through my 20s you know, up till I was 27 just trying everything [00:05:14] you and it just didn't quite fit kind of thing. Yeah, just quite and I go [00:05:18] it would work. It would sort of work for a little while Thank you This is a pretty good job but I'm gonna make a new style of getting in this relationship that's not very good for me and be single and then I'll be like, Oh, this person's gonna solve my problems and everything was gonna you know move flats that'll that'll fix everything it wasn't Yeah, it was just getting circles really say [00:05:41] and what was the punk music activists seemed like [00:05:45] it was really good actually because there isn't a lot in terms of gender roles and [00:05:49] this was a noisy notice was here [00:05:54] isn't it there's not a lot of the gender roles at the in the punk scene, but they're not particularly strong it I mean, basically you can do whatever you like in one minute and see you know, and so I found that really liberating. Not really not really knowing why at the time I just thought the whole scene itself was pretty liberating but yeah, once the transition that's what you that's why that was that was such a good fit for me that time. [00:06:18] And one of it when you were we did you have an inkling or does it not really come up thin? Or? [00:06:23] No, it was it was a tomboy. [00:06:26] It was it was good when I when I was really little because you know, if I'm just placed together and get up to a certain point, either boys and girls just it's not really a distinction. Here's a pair it was about saving all right, I think that's even right use all the stats to be the boys start to push away and want to do their own thing. And you know, the girls getting into little groups and the groups that I in my life girls named Larry grapes. What did you do when the girls were in the week groups and boys? Where are you either join what trying to break into a group as best you can or you know, he end up in the in the group of everybody else who doesn't have the group was usually my group actually. Just Yeah. I guess trying to get in on the boys sports, but they were pretty predictive of that. [00:07:17] It was this. This was an Australia here. [00:07:20] That was in Australia. I moved here when I was 22. So after I had finished with uni, [00:07:28] exactly finished uni. Yeah, yeah. Yes, I must, I guess my adult life has been here. [00:07:36] So when you transitioned when you're 27? Was it really easy, I guess after you, you heard about it a year before you're like, right, that certain, just just wrong, or [00:07:50] I guess it was really difficult in some ways, because you're, you're kind of on one side of this kind of chasm. And you're not sure how to get across to the other side. And you know, that other people have got across to the other side. So there must be a way and just following up leads, like he quoted this doctor, and, you know, and, and all the personal stuff and friends, like having to continually remind people for years, sometimes that you have a new name, and you have a new pronoun, and you want to be cold, hey, and, and that's all the time, not just some of the time, and that that stuff could get and can really Weigh Down actually. And it just even I mean, my friends are pretty supportive. But even even still there, those those little things that just just really get to you after a while I just want it to be over and it just seems to take so long. And and also if you're having any particular struggle for hormones or treatment in any way, because I was on Prozac at the time. And and the endocrinologist decided that I wouldn't be able to have shots because I may have some sort of episode. And even though I had absolutely no history of any sorts of episodes whatsoever that he would know about. And what at all, in fact, in a very short history of me, didn't that was just really frustrating. Because it wasn't it wasn't the right treatment for me. And nothing I said would would change his mind. And so yeah, there's I can just remember those times has been really frustrating. And the binding that just gave me a lot of back pain. And well, geez, Titans Well, I mean, it's hard to breathe in, and that sort of thing. But I also, one of the first things I did when I decided to transition was to quit smoking, because it was pretty much one of the very few things I actually had control over at that point. And I also decided to leave some white because that was the only other thing I control. I couldn't get on hormones, I couldn't make people accept me as male yet because I didn't look and sound male. And I just I just had to hold on to these things that I actually could do. And, and in retrospect, it was a lot easier to transition than it was to quit smoking. And really was quit quitting smoking is like a daily struggle for a long time and, and doesn't really get any easier for months. And sometimes years. Sometimes I still crave a cigarette, even though it's pretty easy to say no now. So it's been six years or something. But when we once you're actually on hormones, and you're starting to pass as male, and people are not even people who've known you for years, again in your brain and lighting, everything starts to sort of snowball what happened in it takes care of itself. Really. Just the comparison is it's funny to think about now you think things are changing, Jr and quitting smoking? [00:11:01] Was it a long transition? [00:11:04] But for you to feel do to get over that chasm or through the chasm? Was it a how many returns relative and everything but we talking three months or five years? weeks? Or [00:11:17] I guess it was about two years before I felt like I was passing all the time. And and for me it was how long was it? It was another year and a half after that it was about three and a half to four years before I got chest surgery. So that was the next point. There's a kind of a point I realized, yeah, I had a lot of fatigue. So when I went on hormones, and so I was actually on the sickness benefit for a while. And then yeah, I realized that I was trying to pick up a bit in that I was passing as male enough to kind of into the workforce as my own. But I was still I still bound for a couple of years after that. And that was that was kind of like yeah, I'm moving smile. everything's happening. I walked into a job, of course, which I'd never done being female in it anyway. But yeah, it was the next hurdle was just iterating it just took a while for that to happen. And yeah, once once that happened in, I guess, I felt like that was when I had sort of had finished the process. I didn't, I didn't think that there was anything to come after that. Not in terms of sort of body modification or mentally or, I mean, there's still little things all the time I sort of sometimes when I'm just hanging out with a group of men, and I think how different it used to be and how how the whole situation will be completely different with with me feeling at ease, but they're kind of weary. And it's just a different dynamic. And now I can sort of be in that situations. And and if I remember, I kind of stopped to think this is something I really appreciate. Because it just it's just so normal for me. And it's something that I kind of worked so hard to get something that's so normal for me. [00:13:06] I don't really I [00:13:11] don't underestimate those sorts of situations is how significant [00:13:15] you try to appreciate things. [00:13:19] When you started, did you start tea before as part of your transition? [00:13:26] And with with the big emotional changes? Just the [00:13:33] emotional changes. [00:13:38] Yeah, I felt I just felt so I know, I felt like I could really think probably probably for the first time in my life. I [00:13:47] could kind of fall bluffing or [00:13:51] not having a coffee in the morning. [00:13:54] It's more it's more area go Yeah, well, I, I I could concentrate on things. Like I could read books a lot faster, and could learn things a lot faster. Wow, completely lost the ability to multitask to learn a whole new way of multitasking where I do one thing at a time and then I do a different thing and then I do it different I can't do several things at once. And I used to be [00:14:19] able to do that really easily. But [00:14:22] that yeah, that's something that's one of those funny things. I mean, can't multitask I really they listed his last ability [00:14:31] but yeah, everything else is just just really fall into place as far as how I think and I think if I had if I if I had transitioned at the same age that my main character transition then I would have done a lot better at university than I than I did and I might have [00:14:50] I might have chosen something even more suited to [00:14:53] so that's why did hold the culture so you're saying that most of your friends are pretty supportive with any questions [00:15:01] oh my oh honey hundred questions it's it's so it's interesting how many different questions they are and when you think you've heard them all someone will come out with something else and [00:15:12] what have been some really really odd ones [00:15:18] odd questions I got [00:15:22] what are some would be some really standard questions as well with people's confusions or not getting handle [00:15:31] well what It usually starts with [00:15:34] When did you know and that sort of like people want to know the history of it because they're trying to understand it I think and want to just I think people wanted to know in advance how I would change and and some people thought I might become everything that mean that they don't respect alike. So suddenly become old, the old bed types of Mio just because I want to become miles I want Why do you want to become that? You know, when we did you? [00:16:11] Did you kind of think what kind of man am I going to be you? You're like, no, no. Just because [00:16:17] I was already man. [00:16:18] Yeah, right. Yeah. [00:16:20] I just, I was already male, but nothing was working out. So [00:16:25] yeah, I guess [00:16:26] it all happened externally. Like the change happened externally. The hormones made me look and see and, and, and think differently. But, you know, I was still I was still the same so yeah, it was it was funny to watch people sort of grief a little bit and that my female female person they knew kind of disappeared and then realized that it was still me all along that nothing had changed. Really. And it was just [00:16:53] you just couldn't multitask anymore. Yeah, exactly. [00:16:58] Jobs up to you [00:17:01] is putting the dishes family [00:17:05] How did you identify sees your orientation wise before you transition? Or did you even identify? [00:17:13] identified as a as always been? What was it [00:17:19] tells 19 [00:17:22] because that was the closest I could get really Butch female likes women must be you know, [00:17:29] like it's pretty common for trans guys [00:17:34] get up that was just never really fit that well. That was the closest I could get and I was still I was happy with it. And it was one of the things that just after I'd started home I was kind of in a like at least being discussion group or it was could have been just an all female discussion group and I was sitting here thinking what shouldn't really be here and I won't be here for much longer than I thought I wondered if this would be some thing that I would really miss [00:18:03] it wasn't but I wondered [00:18:07] if it would be and so and so I went I made the kind of women that I was hanging out with in that and a nice sort of thing. You're just some guy [00:18:17] used to accept me [00:18:21] that they struggle with that at all they just say oh yeah, [00:18:24] I can't well it was they were some of the grief stuff was that you talked about? [00:18:28] Um, I don't really know actually because I kind of dropped out of it. So the social thing as well when I transitioned I sort of [00:18:39] your job was just natural to drop out because you know you're a man and the woman the space so whenever I bought Did you feel a bit forced out or unwelcome or [00:18:47] I just knew there was a whole big jam and I needed to change and so yeah, just go back to my original friend who didn't have anything particular to do with any sort of seen other than net with each other and rabbits that's when I got my rabbit [00:19:06] and as you see Dorian changed or shifted in many ways since transition went to be [00:19:14] actually yeah it was it was really unexpected you're like whoa What's going on? Oh yeah the space scene [00:19:20] so lately unexpected. What's going on here? And cuz I cuz I started I guess I started out considering myself to be straight boyfriend 18 so what I was gonna go that way for a while but yeah, pretty heavily girls and yes, and it to have that reawakened I guess that was a bit weird and that's kind of settled down a lot now and I think that was mainly Hormats. [00:19:50] Good kind of thing Yeah, I can do that I can do the same thing. [00:19:56] can be very can't sometimes [00:19:59] life gives man [00:20:02] should give me free Ducky sometimes, you know, well, you can you count all the spectrums of the BCI. XYZ. ABC fan. [00:20:13] That's my favorite one was clip fav. What is it? Okay, there's been six chains in something else. That's that's anti buffing, asexual and bisexual. [00:20:29] There's a ti and I'm not sure I think it's got to [00:20:34] be transgender and transsexual. [00:20:36] Transgender top we Oh, don't be touched halfway. That's it. I like it. Galit fer. Fer was much better than Dr. BCI. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for having young with us. Give us the name of your book and publish it etc, etc. So people can track it down online, if they wish is my book, if to him the within co authored with Hazel it once it's published by Ford Street publishing. So if you google any of those things, you'll find it like awesome. Thank you very much. Thank you.

This page features computer generated text of the source audio - it is not a transcript. The Artificial Intelligence Text is provided to help users when searching for keywords or phrases. The text has not been manually checked for accuracy against the original audio and will contain many errors.