Rachel and Stacey - Beyond Rainbows
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[00:00:00] This program is brought to you by pride nz.com [00:00:05] Hi, guys, I'm Rachel and I identify as a sexual. And I don't really have a romantic orientation at the moment, I'm just not sure. [00:00:17] I'm Stacey, I identify as a sexual and I don't care about the romance thing. [00:00:25] What does a sexual mean to you [00:00:28] means to me that I don't have any sexual attraction to anyone, regardless of gender, or how they identify themselves as [00:00:37] sometimes I will feel like an attraction to them like this. This is really hot. But I won't either feel it needs the six. And I don't think I ever have. [00:00:52] I don't think you could have described it. [00:00:56] And you talked before about romantic attraction. Do you think that that is closely tied to sexual attraction? Not necessarily. [00:01:06] two totally different times they can be but they can also be quite clubs as well, to me romances, intimate and sex. But sex can also be intimate, you know? Do you [00:01:18] think that you would ever be interested in romance? [00:01:22] Maybe it would depend on the person. [00:01:26] I'd need to have a very strong friendship with them before I consider romance. So [00:01:33] with that I'm for the heroine of David romantic say or [00:01:40] maybe. Romantic was? [00:01:43] Well, Jamie is basically a few need to have a strong relationship with them. As and friendship, before you consider going any further side [00:01:55] does not apply to [00:01:57] romance and [00:01:58] romance. Some people think thanks, I probably wouldn't, I don't know I would really depend on the person. Yeah. How has [00:02:09] health people reacted to you coming out as a sexual? [00:02:14] My, my mom kind of, [00:02:18] she doesn't believe that I'm asexual. She just thinks that I put a label on myself because everyone else's. [00:02:28] And that hurt a little, I guess. But, you know, that's what she thinks. I haven't told him about it. [00:02:37] But you know, everyone else I've talked to so many [00:02:41] people primarily within queer communities or, or general [00:02:45] mainstream. [00:02:47] I'm [00:02:49] primarily from the queer community. [00:02:54] Yeah. [00:02:56] Yeah, I haven't Strictly Come out. I have told my friends that I may say true. But I haven't used that term with my parents I've seen I'm not interested in six. And my mom doesn't understand that. But I think that's just more because she likes six. So she thinks everyone else should too. I don't really talk about that with my dad that which is good. [00:03:16] There's a difference between being not interested in sex and being a sexual. [00:03:22] Yeah, they can be. And then, like, I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone I don't. Like, look at this, I see someone who's attractive, I want think I could have sex with them. Some people could go, I will have six. But I don't want [00:03:39] to I'm not interested in that. [00:03:41] I don't feel that at all. So that it's a lot of [00:03:48] coming out as a sexual to people who are in more mainstream rather than queer communities, would be easier than say, coming out as another type of [00:04:01] sexuality, [00:04:03] I think would be easier to explain to people. Because the definition [00:04:11] of a sexual was like not interested in sex. Whereas [00:04:17] I think that you can have to go more in depth with other things. [00:04:24] Say I'm I disagree with that. I've had so much trouble explaining to mainstream people that my sexual and that means I'm not interested in sex. I don't feel sexual attraction. Because people hear a sexual and they think, oh, you're just you don't want to have sex? And then the next question I always get is, what if you meet someone who wants to have sex with you? And I say, No, I don't feel sexual attraction. So I wouldn't want to have sex with them. They'd have to understand that. But people just keep pressing, like the idea that [00:04:59] if you make someone who will end you really like them, possibly love them, but they want to have a sexual relationship with do with you would you do it for them? And I always say no, but no one seems to understand that. So yeah, it's it's hard. [00:05:14] They're not many other people identify as a sexual. [00:05:18] A couple of people. Stacy's probably the only one I know closely. [00:05:25] Race The only one I know. [00:05:28] What about online? [00:05:29] I've seen quite a few of the people who I follow on Tumblr RI sexual was humble pretenders a blogging website. Yeah, it's got pitches. And people talk about things. And there's a quite a strong community on there. And it's interesting to see how those other people's stories and how they match up. And it's nice to know that there are other people out there, who feels [00:05:56] what sort of age to do start thinking about a six rally [00:06:02] maybe three years ago, so that [00:06:05] I never felt attraction to anyone, but I didn't know what the label was. And I forget, I was probably strike for a long time. And then after a while, I thought maybe I was by the [00:06:17] skills a hot too, [00:06:19] than I was like, I don't know, I got no clue. Everyone's hot. [00:06:24] But I want to have sex with them. And it was only a couple of years ago. last couple years that I actually heard the term ICF show. And I had to do some research and figure out what that was. And that [00:06:36] work. Was it something that when you have the time and the research, it sort of clicked automatic? Yeah, it definitely. [00:06:44] It was so high up. Okay, that is actually an option. You don't have to feel attracted to people. That's, that's awesome. [00:06:53] Was it difficult for you? Both of you realizing that you want to [00:06:58] Yeah, yeah, very, [00:07:00] especially when an age group, girls were going out. There were experiments and people were coming out. They were having sex. And I just couldn't do. It wasn't interesting. I didn't want anyone to know that. And, you know, that made me feel slightly [00:07:19] different or wrong. That Yeah, [00:07:22] yeah, I used to think there was something wrong with me, because I didn't want to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I didn't want to have sex. I just wasn't interested, I guess. And then when I realized that I sexuality was a thing, and it was possible, and it was okay to not want to do everything that everyone else is doing. I guess I'm not explaining this very well. But [00:07:53] I hope that was, that was nice, knowing that there was a thing I could [00:08:02] attribute to myself. Do you [00:08:04] feel like there is a space for you as a sexual within the queer community? [00:08:10] Sometimes, most of the people I've met in the queer community are okay with me really cool. But then you get people who are like, well, it's not a real sexuality. It's, it's a lack of, yeah, it's, you sort of feel invisible. Because when I talk with queer community, people think gay, lesbian, bi, trans. [00:08:35] And I'm not part of that. I'm just [00:08:40] waiting to go always will be. But [00:08:44] I don't feel attraction to anyone. And certainly, technically, that makes me queer. But a lot of the time, I don't feel like I'm part of the queer community because of that. Yeah. [00:09:01] Do you feel like because the queer community is one, which is historically very focused on sexual freedom and liberation of ideas, sexual ideas, you know, the mindset of the normal to society, it is very six focused, does that make you feel uncomfortable? Yes, is [00:09:25] because I don't, [00:09:29] I'm not a sexual being, I don't do that. And so like, the other people do, and I'm cool with it, but I'd like to represent it to someone who doesn't need that, [00:09:43] like, I'm happy to, you know, support them and whatever they want to do. But there's not really [00:09:52] a way that we can be just [00:09:56] like, with we're [00:09:58] represented, the [00:10:01] only way we can be here presented in the community, because it's that is very six, freedom focused. And, but part of our sexual freedom is that we don't want to expand, you know, [00:10:15] and and, yeah, we need that to be acknowledged that the fact that we're allowed not to feel sexual attraction. Yeah. [00:10:24] What can the queer community do to create a safer space for sex? identify people? [00:10:33] Maybe don't? [00:10:35] Don't ask the question, you know, but what if you meet someone, you just haven't met the right person? Please? That's irritating. Sorry. [00:10:43] Yeah. That's just respecting the fact that while other people do it, six, we don't. And we don't really need to hear. [00:10:54] Yeah, and a lot of the time, there is a lot of, well, maybe you just haven't made up your mind yet. Maybe get the right person. Now, we usually quite clear around it. And just this big thing that that, you know, with my decision, [00:11:11] do you find that at career events and spaces, like say, out in the square, they have lots of condoms and have lots of lube and they make a big deal about making sex is easy to talk about an easy? It's a bit awkward for us? Yeah. [00:11:32] Well, that doesn't apply to us. So maybe we can hit some things that talk about other things as well. [00:11:38] I mean, it's nice that they're trying to make six normal thing to talk about. That's good. That's very good. That's healthy. But there is such a thing as going too far. We're going to have to talk about it. Which I think we might sell the beginning that way, sometimes, because they're trying to push so issue so much. [00:11:59] Yeah, just as the guy to do that, and push it, which is cool. They've got to be able to also have representative representation for those who aren't part of it. [00:12:10] How could we? What could we do to have that representation in awkward spaces? [00:12:23] But just the idea of a sexuality and grace, each reality needs to be pushed more, it needs to be advertised more. [00:12:29] Can you define that term bisexuality? [00:12:32] So people who haven't quite decided maybe like, a sexuality is a very different no sexual attraction. And while grace sexuality is maybe sometimes, but not often, generally leaning towards less, rather than more, [00:12:53] is that time the same as great a sexuality is? Yeah, [00:12:58] they used around saying sensitive subjects usually. Yeah, [00:13:03] um, do you think that the trail of ethics or people in media is also Yes, definitely. [00:13:10] Realize that that's more? [00:13:12] Yeah. Can you name in a sexual person and a popular media? The only one I would know would is not actually actively seek to be a sexual, but it's a pretty good representation of a nice sexual relationship, which is needing track and Pushing Daisies. Yeah. [00:13:35] I wouldn't be out. [00:13:39] How do you think that asexual people are portrayed in media? [00:13:46] As broken as they are there be broken people, people who maybe have had some sort of sexual attack that have Lyft them? And I have six? [00:13:59] Yeah, it's me. They're usually awkward. Maybe outcasts. It's never a good thing. To have six. [00:14:08] Under developmental years? Yeah. Do you [00:14:11] think it's important to have positive portrayal is definitely different. Why do you think that it's [00:14:16] because there are people who are growing up and us included, who seemed media, which has a lot to do with sex, and then there's nothing about existing without sex drive, about not feeling attraction to people that way. And if there is, it's always negative. And that's really bad Wi Fi, self esteem, when you're realizing that maybe you don't feel sexual attraction. And so the idea that you need someone like a role model, and even if it's just a fictional character, a role model, that's a positive, a sexual character would be awesome. [00:14:56] How do you think your experience of realizing us sexual would have been different had that been representation in the media of positive bisexual people? Because, like I [00:15:08] said earlier, you know, I thought there was something wrong with me. So if there had been a positive bisexual role model, I probably wouldn't have felt that because that would have been my, this is something that can actually happen, I'm not have been more comfortable with that a lot sooner. [00:15:22] And also that people would be a little more comfortable with the fact that that's my sexuality. And like, I wouldn't maybe wouldn't get as much questions about, well, what if I find the right person, all of us are really uncomfortable question secret, because it would be something that's accepted, or at least something that's known more broadly. [00:15:44] And you might not get those. Those jokes about, you know, being a plant and stuff. I've had a couple of those because plants reproduce I sexually so it's Yeah. [00:15:58] Someone might have you that there are lots of characters in the media whose sexualities on discussed and people that they may or may not [00:16:09] have sex with [00:16:10] mentioned. And so that is representation, how would you respond to that? [00:16:15] Someone or bringing it up that's kind of see that's [00:16:22] people, people tend to assume that until see it, otherwise, the characters strange. So if you're gonna have a gay character in a TV show, they will say it. But if you're going to have an a sexual character they want they'll just not mention the law. And that's not representation. That's skating over the issue, and ignoring them. So we need characters that seek to be a sexual they identify as, as this rule, and that's Canada. And that is Canon Canon, it's been the show it's been, or book or whatever, it's been put up, man. It's been. It's obvious, it's proven by the Creator, to be true [00:17:06] to the story. [00:17:09] Yeah, and we need characters like that, that are sexual. [00:17:12] And in the ideal world, what would the process of realizing your essential and coming out be like will be different towels view [00:17:21] and people will feel pressured to have sex? There's, there's a lot of pressure towards having relationships, especially early on. When you're a teenager, there is a lot of encouragement to experiment to go out, get a boyfriend, get a girlfriend, [00:17:39] and as I just just getting younger and younger every year, you know, [00:17:42] yeah. And so [00:17:45] the needs to be also the sort of realization that you don't have to do that. And that's okay, that's fine. Which isn't really there. [00:17:56] What can we do to try and make the world more like, that ideal world you just described? [00:18:04] And I want to say put it in the media, but don't hide it from the world kind of, like make it obvious that it's okay. But it's not a big deal. [00:18:15] And there needs to be more representation. There needs to be schools need to be teaching about sexualities, and it can't just be the main, like, okay, by straight, it has to be all the minorities, and that includes our sexuality. [00:18:30] How was your experience and school being taught about sexuality? We didn't do. [00:18:36] We didn't learn about sexuality. As an hour orientation. We learned about sex. We learned about sex sort of, we learned about [00:18:47] about straight six. Yeah, we're not about straight sex. We learned about you know that. We probably touched on female genitalia, so it would be nice to bring that in properly. [00:18:59] You know, we were told about the female orgasm. [00:19:03] Am I right in saying that you went to school? Yeah. [00:19:05] Yeah, we went to an all girls school. And, [00:19:10] you know, we would talk all about how the guys did everything. taught [00:19:14] how to put a condom on a penis. Yeah. [00:19:17] Was that a difficult experience? [00:19:19] Yeah, this awkward, IH and? [00:19:26] Well, the whole class might have to joke, of course, but [00:19:33] you'd expect it. But well, I don't feel comfortable going us. And it was one of those realizations and maybe on not strange. [00:19:46] Yeah, we didn't do sexualities at all. [00:19:50] And we didn't learn about these bands, or gay, or bisexual bisexuality, portraits, we didn't know about any of those. So stand up being represented theme, there's no chance at all of the smaller minorities, like a sexuality being represented. Even if it [00:20:07] wasn't mentioned and health. I mean, they could start bringing in psychology maybe ever do psychology? Yeah, I did half a year of it. [00:20:20] She told me I did awake. [00:20:24] But, you know, if even if they start bringing in the, you know, maybe it's a choice thing, you know, talking about hormones in the brain or something, and how it could possibly affect your sexuality. And bring it in that way, and then move it across? Because then they, you know, then it's at least in there, and some people are learning about it. [00:20:47] So what it took the internet and self research for me to find out about the queer community at all. And [00:20:57] it does need to be representation pretty represented, sorry. [00:21:04] The winners and a nice with all of the minorities, you talked [00:21:07] about the internet as a helpful resource for you realizing erotic show, do you think that's true for other sexual people as well? [00:21:16] Well, I think it's something that I think [00:21:19] it's someplace that's got [00:21:20] a lot of easily accessible information. [00:21:26] You know, it's a place where you can type in a sexuality and everything will come up. [00:21:31] Wikipedia is your friend. [00:21:37] Wikipedia article on Isaac's family, [00:21:39] and I have gone for it go Really? Okay. [00:21:44] Now, I tried to edit a different page, and they chop it down. So [00:21:51] that's good, this pretty good Wikipedia page. [00:21:53] What other resources Did you find helpful? [00:21:57] Just forums and blogs that people talking about their experiences. I remember reading an article once that was on an online newspaper that has a nice sexual woman and a gay man and a relationship. And it was they were just a romantic couple. But neither of them were sexually attracted to each other. And that was another one of those moments where I just realized that's actually possible. You can have a romantic relationship with someone without being sexually attracted to them. [00:22:31] That a significant moment for you definitely, [00:22:33] definitely. [00:22:37] crash the internet and my friends, because quite a few of them realized their sexuality before I did. So I was able to ask some questions. I don't think half of them realize that's what I understand. But, you know, I think the more switched on ones realize what I was doing, and helped how they could. [00:22:57] So yeah, you had a lot of great friends. [00:23:00] Yeah. more as we go into college, because you know, that, that we're getting into their teen years and realizing all this stuff. And, you know, being there, as they realized, and then either told me, or I just found out, they were dating someone that wasn't [00:23:23] the guy, [00:23:25] it wasn't a guy because you know, me, which would all go, so I was just like, okay, that's okay, whatever. [00:23:33] And with someone who I'm not gonna say the name of, they read her realization that they were trans. And so being there for that journey with them, and helping them research some things was was quite helpful and realizing that you don't have to be strict. You know? [00:23:52] Yeah, make sense. [00:23:54] My aunt is gay. So I always had the second that she was there. But she he doesn't have a partner. So it took me a while to actually realize, I think it was some clip that my mother made about me turning into a Libyan virgin, vegetarian, that my and really, whatever. [00:24:14] How do you think the processes coming out and realizing would have been different? Had you not had that queer influence in your form of [00:24:22] I probably would still have no idea. To be [00:24:24] honest, I'd probably be trying to force myself [00:24:26] into some sort of mouth. [00:24:29] Yeah. Do you think that would be unhealthy? Yes. Yeah. [00:24:33] Yeah. Like I went through a relationship last year, because I thought I had to. [00:24:42] And, you know, we got, I think the six month mark, and you wanted to have sex, and I just wasn't interested. I just didn't want to. And he thought that maybe I just wasn't ready. Which was probably true at the time. And now as I just don't want to, that's not a driver, I feel as I need that I need to look into [00:25:03] Have you ever tried to force yourself into a mode like [00:25:06] that? No, I figured out quite quickly that I didn't want to date. And I didn't at that point, realize that I wasn't sexually attracted to people. I just figured I didn't want to be in a relationship. [00:25:17] So I held myself off lead. [00:25:22] And I'm quite proud I did [00:25:24] that. Yeah, I I look at people sometimes. And I'm like, maybe I should be doing that. Maybe I should be in a relationship. And then I'm like, [00:25:37] do you think that many asexual people do what you did Stacy and try to force themselves to fit that mold? [00:25:44] Yeah, because you know, it is mainstream, and people these days want to be mainstream, they don't want to be the, the person going in the opposite direction. In some, you know, they try to force themselves to do things that they don't want due to finance. [00:26:02] And a lot of it's got a lot of pressure from people around you as well. But constant questions DN, the boyfriend DHO constantly [00:26:10] talking about their sexual conquest stock. So you're just kind of like, this is so uncomfortable. But if my friends, I can't just leave. [00:26:20] Do you wish that there was a way? An easy way to tell someone that you are uncomfortable with a certain topic or? [00:26:27] Yeah, yeah. [00:26:30] Do you find your friends particularly accepting of that? Yeah. [00:26:34] Because you're hanging out with these different like, because they understand that while I'm, I am occasionally, as physically attracted to someone, I can recognize that someone's heart and yeah, that's cool. I won't feel sexual attraction to them. So when we're talking about things like that, I can sort of carry along with his people. I like watch people about it. Yeah. Yeah. [00:27:05] Both of you. artists to an extent Is that right? I [00:27:09] know, really. I just because Ryan's, he likes to draw me for some reason. [00:27:15] She's a nice, nice. Thanks. [00:27:20] Do you find that having that perspective of being a sexual reflects itself in your art? Yeah. [00:27:29] There's a lot of pressure, especially when you're drawing [00:27:31] cartoons, [00:27:32] is that people want you to make the thing sexualized. This is an idea to give, there's an idea for the male guys or the female guys. And I can't do that. I'm doing up the other way around. [00:27:48] We I draw, I don't generally tool for people, I draw for me. So it's not going to be based on the six it's going to be based on pretty things. [00:28:01] And close. [00:28:04] If you could say something to all of mainstream society, regarding asexual people, what would that be? We exist, we exist, and you need to not [00:28:17] make fun of us for not feeling sexual attraction is our choice is what we are. And you can't change. [00:28:28] You can't change it, no matter how many questions you ask. And I have people you're shoving our face? Yeah. Not going to change. [00:28:36] understand those please. [00:28:38] No matter how many like [00:28:42] I will, you know, for sure. You're just not really, it's, it's who we are. And that needs to be accepted. [00:28:50] And other thing was asexuality is, you know, the whole virginity thing. Because since we don't have say, a crystal virgins social construct. And, you know, so people are always surprised when they realize that I've got to 18 and never had six, because people are losing it so young. And it's it's okay to even if you're not a sexual to wait until you're sure you want to f6 you know, don't just go into it because you feel you have to whenever an asset. [00:29:19] Yeah, yeah, definitely. [00:29:22] I'm supportive of everyone. [00:29:25] What would you say to parents of people whose children are gone through that realization and coming out for [00:29:35] support us, you know, when when I different Western your kids, it doesn't change the way that [00:29:42] it changes as he might not be getting grandchildren. [00:29:48] You think that's something that a lot of parents of teenagers [00:29:53] focus on? [00:29:57] There is still kind of the subconscious thing of passing the James on. So I think that possibly driving a little bit of the lack of support, you know, because if I can't get grandkids from you, then, you know, blah, blah, blah, and it's, yeah, it's not healthy. [00:30:17] Yeah. Just say that, it's, it's not unnatural, or anything. We need the support. Because if parents say that this is not who you should be, it sticks a lot better a lot harder than if it was just anyone, anyone else a random stranger. So we need a pair of silence Okay, to be a sexual. [00:30:45] You said before your message to more mainstream people, would that be different than message talking to the generalized queer community? [00:30:55] No, probably not. Wait, we need to be representative representative [00:31:00] represented? And [00:31:03] because I think we are such a minority inside the queer community. I'm not sure how much the sexual community is inside it. But it feels tiny. [00:31:11] Yeah, it feels absolutely. [00:31:14] Yeah. It we feel invisible, as the same as that. [00:31:19] Do you think having a sexual spaces within the queer community without [00:31:24] you I would have I would be really good to be able to meet other people that are IC true. And to know that we're not alone? [00:31:32] Yeah. [00:31:34] representation. [00:31:37] Just generally feeling accepted by the other people in the community. Because, you know, it takes a lot to come out that, and [00:31:51] I understand that, so it would just be nice to get that same understanding from [00:31:55] them. And when we come out, we don't want to be question that no one wants to be question that the as it was, it seems to happen more often than not, as I issue many not really many haven't chosen. And that's really a position. [00:32:12] What can we as queer people do? to help make the path the coming out bisexual people easier, support us? [00:32:21] be accepting? That's, [00:32:23] that's all I can think of. Yeah, just support so much support so much representation. [00:32:29] And are finally if you could say anything to young people or not necessarily young people who are going through the process of realizing and coming up as I sexual, what would that be? [00:32:41] You're not alone. [00:32:43] There are the people like you, there are other [00:32:45] people who feel like you, and you can find them a few try. [00:32:54] Coming out to your friends is always the hardest thing. [00:32:57] But do it when you're ready. Do it when you feel comfortable. Don't start off with a big group just come out to one person. And hopefully they learn that'll make it easier. [00:33:09] They might surprise you.
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