Missy - Beyond Rainbows
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[00:00:00] This podcast [00:00:00] is brought to you by pride nj.com and made possible through a generous grant from our attire Hi. [00:00:07] My name is Missy. [00:00:10] I'm some weird thing between sexuality is somewhere between pan and Demi. [00:00:21] Gender is [00:00:24] female by birth. God try to explain this I'm too tired for this bullshit. I'm a female, [00:00:30] but somewhere else but very much non binary if I was actually supposed to name a thing. [00:00:40] So those are obviously minorities The thing that I don't think it's much more to be said. [00:00:49] I'm also by XM, I can tell you American [00:00:55] So how has been like fitting into these minority been few different and America. [00:01:04] In America, I very much identified as female and I guess pan sexual by the time I was leaving, never really pressed it in such that it was just so much more convenient to say lesbian. [00:01:20] Because I figure it's not my job to educate the masses. [00:01:27] Even though if someone was to push, I would always say pen sexual. [00:01:35] Whereas an Uzi so in the States, I was specifically in Southern California, which is definitely more on the liberal scale. In the States. [00:01:46] It was never an issue so much as people just didn't know. So I just use a different label. [00:01:54] In New Zealand [00:01:59] it's funny because [00:02:01] I voluntarily surround myself with people who are quite clear. [00:02:07] You know, they're to it. Not even choose they just who I tend to be gravitate gravitate towards. It's very interesting. I've started working in hospitality and New Zealand. Well, I did both places, but and there's a lot of good people who are willfully ignorant. And it's just very interesting to try and explain to them what the idea of transgender is. Whereas in Southern California was just kind of like to thing I remember my parents been a family friend who was changing or transitioning, and they're kind of like this, what's going on? So what's happening, some people are like that. [00:02:52] Whereas here, it's so kind of people just don't know. [00:02:58] So [00:03:01] I'm inclined to say it's more progressive and only like, because you guys have had a trans person in Parliament. Of course, the states can't say that. But at the same time, I think just general just seems to me, General Ignorance as a whole. [00:03:18] Yeah, we're very active in the queer community back in California. I'm [00:03:24] in my high school, I was tangentially involved in the [00:03:29] GSA Gay Straight Alliance. [00:03:33] I think I was much more active on an individual level, I was the first come out of my friend group. I had a lot of friends, come talk to me. [00:03:42] And be like, I am the only thing I'm gay, like, sweet. Let's have this chat. Let's talk. And I still very much like that in [00:03:53] here, ice pad had a few conversations, but have to have sex vagina, [00:04:00] two [00:04:02] people who are within the queer spectrum. [00:04:06] So it's very just on a personal personal level. [00:04:12] I remember some people after high school coming up to me and be like, [00:04:16] you're really seeing you so open in your relationships in high school really, kind of astounded me and gave me inspired me and others such quotation mark words. [00:04:27] So, which is not tonight? actively did, but it's something I thought worth it? [00:04:33] And what sorts of differences have you noticed, in the communities, communities and Southern California, California and Washington, [00:04:42] it's hard because I was under 18, in the states No, right to New Zealand. And unfortunately, I think a large part of the community is in clubs. And I you know, having a gay club and stuff like that, or accessible for people who are of age, you know, [00:05:03] which makes it a bit difficult. [00:05:07] In regards to both and very similar in that, there always seems to be this queer community that's incredibly difficult to crack until you and it becomes just a matter of knowing enough knowing people and then you suddenly realize you're part of the queer community and you just where did this come from? [00:05:28] But no, ultimately, I think it's kind of a cookie thing. You just happen to find yourself and [00:05:37] how has the [00:05:41] the queer community how accepting has the queer community [00:05:44] thing? I've never really the pan thing [00:05:51] is very interesting to see people just write it off. It's like you're just you're just lesbian you voted. [00:05:59] And [00:06:02] I is, it's just frustrating to try and be like, [00:06:09] explain it and I've coined the simple phrase I don't care what's in your pants [00:06:18] but you know when people kind of own write it off, and it's just most a have just given up on it. And the non binary thing I've actually not are not really talked to anyone who doesn't themselves identifies that [00:06:35] just because I don't look forward to that conversation of trying to explain that Why not? [00:06:44] Because people don't like things that aren't immediately accessible. [00:06:50] And it's funny because then [00:06:54] they you know, they assume masculine since I'm [00:07:00] because I tend to dress more mass and dress and things that sort so whenever I dress feminine, they'd be like, but what about what you were saying before and since it's they like to pigeonhole you, and mostly I just had to say fuck yells walk away. [00:07:17] So is it accepting depends on who it is. [00:07:23] I think most a lot of them just kind of don't give a fuck it's I personally don't have the problem with people being gatekeeper. You know, think you're not clear enough for something like that just because I've been in homosexual relationships. So not even sure on the terms because of things and stuff. But so that's something I've seen people do that it's very interesting. [00:07:51] You know, they'll be like I'm by you've only been in heterosexual relationship. So how do you know [00:07:57] this so tan gentle? pointing out all the problems get keeping I know it exists. I've seen people do it. I'm so glad that I love to do that because it's so fucking invalidating you know this thing that you feel a part of then people saying nana nana [00:08:13] bullshit is legitimate real problem [00:08:18] and [00:08:21] it's funny because the non binary thing is classified under the trends label. [00:08:28] But I I don't feel I feel like I it's very I'm invalidating their existence by classifying myself trance because you know it's kind of I feel [00:08:41] there you know, people get their fucking killed what is the statistics? [00:08:48] One an 18 queer youth is killed where it's like one in 12 or one a trans youth is killed something that's right. [00:08:56] There's I don't you know I don't face any the hardship they do because [00:09:01] it's not something that is so obvious. [00:09:07] And [00:09:09] yeah, so this kind of that [00:09:12] I don't want to say its life inclusiveness. I just think that there should be a better term for things saying either your sister your transmit clearly there's a little bit gray area. love that phrase. And then you get people when people would be but complain about, but you're adding things on to the acronym, guys. Clearly things more important than acronym. [00:09:42] What was the coming out process like? [00:09:46] I came out on October 11 2000. And [00:09:52] 9008. [00:09:58] Coming Out Day in the States was my first year of high school. I went to the GSA, because I'm like, I am lyst. Ally. [00:10:11] And I knew that was quite. [00:10:14] And I remember there. So Santa, Barbara's very white and very [00:10:22] Latino, but there's not a huge black community. And there was this one. He was a cheerleader. He was a black cheerleader. And so gay, and it's just basically every minority was shoved in his face a feminine gay, black man, just God. God love them. And they were everyone was making stickers for coming up day. Like, what is this shit? And he made me one that said, I'm by Lee married. And I wore that around school on October 11. And people thought it was a joke. They seriously just thought it was a joke. Which I think is hilarious. Like, no, no, like, I'm actually very serious. I had that sticker in the front of my binder for all four years of high school. So that's how I came up to public at large. Of course, I didn't come out to my parents before or immediately after, because fuck that's scary. Even in liberal California. [00:11:22] It's not that I knew they wouldn't be accepting [00:11:25] my sister's gay. So she did a lot of the more difficult dealing with bullshit. [00:11:34] Just [00:11:36] it was stigmatized, because I get something that's going to happen. [00:11:42] It wasn't until my second girlfriend that I actually came out. [00:11:49] I remember I told my parents divorce. Remember I told my dad on as we drove to school. [00:11:55] We had stopped grab a coffee before and he was taking his first sip, like that had a girlfriend he was choked. It was pulling onto the street. That was not the best time. [00:12:06] Considering he basically almost crashed the car. And you meet Lee guess who it was? Like, is it Shannon? Yes. [00:12:15] And he's very awkward and bumbling. He's like, you know, he was very positive about it was just kind of awkward. Because we're not a big Sherry family. But he was very accepting of it. didn't give no Fox lack of a better phrase. Coming up to my mom, I think I said the same thing. I have a girlfriend note. I wasn't labeling myself and either situation. And then she was like, as if I care and then talk about herself next 10 minutes because she's kind of like that. I mean, because she's self absorbed like that. [00:12:54] Yeah, it's funny. My dad always called me on this escape to see so that's been like time bye. [00:13:02] But, you know, it's one of those accepting but limited viewpoint of the world. [00:13:10] And it's [00:13:12] when I came to New Zealand, I got so used to everyone knowing and gay. Like, I look very gay. [00:13:22] It was so weird to have to come out again. It felt like taking a huge step back. You know, it's like something like I did it. I did it. You know, it's like fucking [00:13:32] a coming of age story of and then I was just doing it all over again. It was like it's bullshit. [00:13:41] I don't remember specifically. I remember coming out to my roommate, flatmate roommate. She was the first person we sitting in the room together. We're having a conversation. Somehow I came I was like, Yeah, man. I'm pen sexual. I just got quiet. Just like, so. What does that mean? lover to bits. [00:14:04] I think I was one of the first really open very [00:14:10] nice. All right. Um, yeah. So it's so funny lady. Tell me you're coming out? Sorry. There's always you know, 10 billion of them. That's an end. [00:14:20] Sounds like some pretty positive responses to ego. Yeah. [00:14:26] home life around school and high school around uni, my personal life at work. He works very, very good place. [00:14:39] So, I've been very lucky in that. People are very accepting of it. [00:14:43] Have you ever had any negative responses? [00:14:47] No, generally, because either a, I wouldn't tell them or be. [00:14:53] They just they are not so motivated to my life in general, if that's the kind of person either, if I think they would react negatively to it, [00:15:03] then they're not the kind of person I would associate with. There's a few people who were religious, we had conversations about it. I had one, one very good Christian friend. You know, I came out to her. And you could tell that it was a little bit harder for her to understand. It was mostly kind of, so why are you telling me? You can tell she kind of thought like, that's your private thought, like, private life? Why are you putting it out there? But um, we were also 1415 at the time. I don't think she didn't know Fox now. But there's a few friends who are. It's come out and you know, they're very much you can tell it's not their personal thing. One person I never came out to was [00:15:56] my ex his mom. She was like an adoptive [00:15:58] mom or surrogate mom to me based. We never came out here. Okay. I always felt really guilty about that. I honestly never knew how she would react. I really don't think she was accepted at all, which is just so cutting. Because she was so important for like my last two, three years of high school. [00:16:18] I always felt like I [00:16:20] didn't help that was also dating her daughter. I felt like I was lying to her about that as well. [00:16:29] Have you ever experienced any more generalized homophobia? [00:16:34] You mean like the other day when I was walking arm in arm with the girl I'm dating? [00:16:40] Is these you guys? Obviously somewhat drunk from Courtney glaze. Be like, Hey, we know what you want. He wanted the CAC was like, what was that acid? [00:16:54] It was like yes, yes. We want to join a cock inside of us. Please, please give us more this. [00:17:03] So yeah, it's always kind of lucky. We were walking by actually s&m when the gay things and she knows the bouncer there kind of had a point to that route or look towards the guy. And he kind of stopped them. Yeah, so he's kind of like you don't know. If they're just going to be assholes and yell at you. Or, you know, they're going to try and fucking soggy right? The fucking face. You know, you can either try and yell back at them. But that what is that ever helped anything really? just kind of keep your head down. Laughter yourself yourselves. Be like, Oh, this is hilarious. And not really let it be anything more. Yeah, I definitely don't feel safe here that I didn't Santa Barbara. [00:17:52] With regards to homophobia. Yeah. [00:17:55] Yeah. Like walking in and go. [00:18:00] You mentioned before working and hospitality and you working quite adequate. What? Have you experienced any homophobia walk? [00:18:17] No, no, not from any. Not from any workmates. I think there was the odd kind of, oh, you're lesbian. You don't you're like your opinion on an attractive man doesn't matter isn't like that. So it's kind of very narrow point. But like nothing that was aggressive. Or, you know, it's mostly people just being idiots. There was nothing ever anything aggressive. I never felt like my job was threatened. [00:18:46] I never felt like I couldn't talk about who I was dating. You know? [00:18:52] One of the ones I talked to the most it's very interesting because I talked to him frequently about my shitty shady love life. He's very exacting, and wonderful talk about and you know, get a point of views. And then you'll say something like, I just want you to know what a penis feels like. So you can you know, actually know, like, decide if you're gay or not like where you are. Like, [00:19:18] there's so many levels of wrong with what you just said. [00:19:22] What about from patrons? [00:19:25] When I work it, I know I've never been ever comments or anything on it. Mostly because I look hyper feminine work. Nine times out of 10 so they purposely don't bring up I really didn't bring it up in the States. Because it's it can be such an issue there. I have never talked about [00:19:46] it with customers. Why do you think it's different? [00:19:54] Because you guys can't sue [00:19:57] you guys don't have Yelp? You guys don't have talk to your manager about this and fear for your job. [00:20:06] In the States, you know, bring it up and customers angry fucking dealing with paying customers will the worst things ever? Because you think [00:20:19] depending on who your bosses [00:20:24] Yeah, because if a customer here raises Think about it, my boss would just tell them to get out our states, they would come try and accommodate the customer. Nice place I've worked. [00:20:39] Definitely one, maybe two places I worked. There would just be like, it would be like Missy, go do something else. [00:20:47] And they would deal with customer. I wouldn't be happy. But it's a different it's very different mentality insights, hospitality. [00:20:56] If you could give a message to [00:21:00] youth who queer coming out, figuring out there to see and some of the situations, where would you? What would you say? [00:21:12] Um, labels are inherently bad because they help you figure things out. [00:21:19] Is that something that you struggled with? [00:21:22] And yeah, it took me forever to even call myself by. So no, no, no, no, no. And it's kind of when I was like, I don't know what this is. And I was always great between by trying to figure that out. But never really tried to put words to it because I didn't want to it is kind of putting a name to something. [00:21:49] Sense gives you that sense of validation, like it's a real thing and exists I'm not nothing especially more now, with [00:21:57] definitely gender identity. There's been times I've wondered, am I trans? [00:22:04] never really felt right. And then, you know, Sunday, when I found out that non binary gender queer thing that sort of like, that definitely fits I'm not I don't fit into what is female does never felt right for me. But it is saying I'm and doesn't feel right, either. And so finding those words really gave a sense of validation and [00:22:31] a way to explain things. But in saying that, [00:22:36] and saying that labels aren't evil [00:22:42] is you can change just because you five when you're five, you like red. And now that you're 15 you like something else doesn't mean you didn't like red when you were five doesn't mean you have to continue liking right for the rest of your life. You can change doesn't invalidate what you we're change you you are you still figuring shit out? [00:23:06] don't prevent yourself from figuring anything up. Yeah. [00:23:14] It's not wrong to give yourself a name. You don't have to stick to what you call yourself, you can always change it. [00:23:21] How do you think that the [00:23:25] the less diverse gay community is accepting of those ideas of fluid sexuality. [00:23:35] Um, it's fucking frustrating. Because it's like the Americans coming to our English coming to America to escape persecution, wanting to kill and persecute everyone else. [00:23:50] It creates a hierarchy, it creates a gated, like gated social structure. [00:23:58] It is this idea, you know, and it gives like medians of this idea of we gave you a gay white straight or gay white men. Isn't that enough? And then when people ask for more different representation, they get really pissy about it. [00:24:12] And yet, you know, the people who are heard most people who are given [00:24:17] the greatest voice I white gay men. [00:24:23] Kind of just like, you know, it's fun. But it's all good. [00:24:29] And it's just and it's very frustrating because it's just continue narrowmindedness about [00:24:40] it's like hitting a basic, like, basic level of acceptance. [00:24:47] And then just stopping. [00:24:50] If you could give a similar message to the people that surrounded you at that time. So to the more generalised mainstream community about how to help coming out Ukrainians, what would you say, [00:25:08] fucking let them talk [00:25:11] and be excited for them. There's some people tell the stories of you know, they came out and their parents are just like sharing whatever. And they really like that. But I always kind of thought, taking that extra moment to be like, we still love you. We still accept you. We're not writing it off is nothing because it takes so much courage come out. It you know, it's eat something you obsessed. We think over, you know, you think this is the thing I need to do. This thing is expected of me. I'm not valid in the community unless I do this. And then I get that response. So just, that's cool. Moving on. I just kind of thinking, it's something that's emotionally exhausting. At this time of age, I hope for the day where people can be like, I'm dating a dude, I'm dating girl, I'm dating someone who's neither. [00:26:07] me was like, that's cool, wonderful. That'd be excellent. But we're not there. It's still stigmatized, we're still killed for this. [00:26:17] So taking that moment of saying, you still love you, we're still here for you, you can always talk to us. So [00:26:26] you talked about [00:26:29] the age where you can say you're dating someone, regardless of their gender and [00:26:35] acceptable. Oh, no, sorry. Sorry. It says. [00:26:41] When do you think that age will be? [00:26:44] Do you think it will happen? It depends on the country, [00:26:47] to where you are. [00:26:49] The family? No. [00:26:53] I think it's happening. to varying degrees, I have no idea. kind of expect the world and board, expect that to come. [00:27:04] What can we do to help [00:27:08] encourage the advent of [00:27:10] think educating as much as I would like, it's not my job to educate people. [00:27:17] representation and educating, knowing that these are options, these things exist, that people are this way that these are real things, these are real people. And then getting rid of like, a lot of stereotypes of lesbians have short hair and are super Butch, which I feel like is more or less dying down to some degree. I mean, you still have to mean disability totally a thing. But it's got it's, I don't think the super Butch stereotype is nearly as bad as it was in the 90s. [00:27:49] Because I remember the 90s. [00:27:54] So you know, just getting rid of the idea of certain people, only certain people are attracted, or are on the spectrum. [00:28:03] And that anyone can [00:28:07] is basically what I'm trying to say. [00:28:12] And then so getting rid of stereotypes, having representation knowing these things exists. So people don't have preconceived notions and don't find the need or entitlement to preconceived notions. [00:28:28] They talking about representation and the media, [00:28:31] just everywhere, you know, people call representation in the media, like, that's an OB I'll get into policy, politics, getting the side, they get into everything. [00:28:44] It's [00:28:48] me like, the media force feeds us images. But having a black president so important, so many people who stays in across the world. [00:29:02] Beauty is not the only thing that he serves, like is only not the only place that is representation. [00:29:08] So I previously asked you, what you would say to the more mainstream community this time, what would you say to specific queer community what they can do to make make their communities a safe space for people coming up with minority identities. [00:29:33] They feel like this is really obvious. Don't be Don't be a dick. YYLY stick and continuity two words, I thought about [00:29:43] one of my favorite quotes, everyone is fighting a hard battle. Because [00:29:50] even if you don't understand it, because that's, you know, find whatever people introduce new ideas, things that are just you personally can't relate to it doesn't doesn't mean you have to be enough. So talk to them. Understand, be accepting, be accepting, be accepting, you don't need to understand to be accepting be great if you did, please do not try to be under or understanding. But instead of you know, people's immediate responses to be attacking or invalidating you know, we talking about what it what is this thing let's say me really trying to be special snowflake things. That's right. [00:30:38] If they don't understand something, and that's just so unnecessary. [00:30:44] Listen to people. [00:30:47] Listen, when they say something that you don't understand, go do research. [00:30:55] Things don't occur in a vacuum.
This page features computer generated text of the source audio - it is not a transcript. The Artificial Intelligence Text is provided to help users when searching for keywords or phrases. The text has not been manually checked for accuracy against the original audio and will contain many errors.