Laura - Beyond Rainbows

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[00:00:00] This program is brought to you by pride nz.com. I am Laura. And I identify as a lesbian. And also, I suffer from borderline personality disorder CMN expressions and quite significant psychosis. Sounds like sounds like a bit of a cocktail of drugs he got. That is true. Yeah. Um, how has having all of these mental issues affected, your journey is coming out? I think I think you know, with mental illness, you take a while to recognize yourself as a person. And when that when that coincides with sort of like, struggling to find peace within yourself as who you are, in terms of your sexuality, that can be really difficult as well. So it takes a took me a good while to figure out who I was, and what made me me, I suppose, yeah, instead of, because I tend to, and other people tend to define me by my sexuality and my, my mental illnesses, because that's all I say, is I only see the problems and, yeah, so at what age did you start to realize your sexuality? Um, I, when I was 13, I was sort of leading on all of these boys, and a sort of, because I was trying to have fun, but I just didn't enjoy it at all. And all I can think about was the scope. And so that sort of, you know, I sort of thought maybe, maybe this is a one off. But then, when I was in year 10, [00:01:48] I had a very good friend, and we had [00:01:52] something of a relationship, I guess. And then the 12 she stole my hot, and what can I say? Yeah, that that was when I probably knew definitely. Yeah. And would you say that that process was made more difficult by your mental issues? Oh, yeah, definitely. [00:02:15] Because, um, I had, [00:02:19] you know, I mean, everyone has something to struggle [00:02:20] with. But [00:02:23] I had a lot on my plate. And I found it very difficult, I still find it very difficult to take care of myself. And [00:02:33] so, [00:02:35] you know, [00:02:37] it really, I'm tended, my, [00:02:42] I suppose, my [00:02:46] journey to finding out what my sexuality was, because I was so worried by all these other problems, and I just didn't want to be who I was, I suppose I wanted to be someone different. I wanted to live a different life or not live it all. And, you know, when I found out, you know, when I accepted that, I liked goals, and that there was no way around that, you know, it was really difficult because you're brought up in this heterosexual world, like it or not, like, you're taught from the beginning that, you know, [00:03:17] like most parents, a man [00:03:19] or woman and [00:03:22] and, you know, you're surrounded by this heterosexual culture. And so it's so hard to break out of that and really come to realize who you are, if you're trained to think a certain way. [00:03:35] Um, who did you first come out to? [00:03:38] I remember, [00:03:41] I first came out to this group of all the girls who I really looked up to her and I, we were in the middle of a production of West Side Story. And we went into this private room, and I broke down in tears. And I'm like, guys. And of course, like, that's what most people say, because to sketch the thing of it is good, really leave that safety behind of, you know, loving men, because it's so much easier, I suppose. [00:04:12] And then, how does every [00:04:16] day that would totally accepting they kind of thought, Oh, you know, she's not the Tango, you know, identity problems, you know. But they were really kind about it. And they were comforting me, because I was, you know, an absolute hysterics. And [00:04:36] it was just like, they didn't care. And that [00:04:38] was a really good moment for me, I suppose. Because like, you know, the people that met and the people I looked up to him wanted to [00:04:48] shake myself from I suppose. [00:04:51] Didn't really mind. How identified [00:04:57] are you up to your parents? [00:04:58] Yeah, I am. Yes. And I'm assuming they're aware of your mental issues as well. Yeah. Yeah. for quite a few years. It's been nine years now. Yeah. So how did your parents react? With my sexuality? Yeah. Like most important things with me, they came out in an argument. And I was sort of, you know, we were screaming at each other. And I just shouted out, Mom, Dad, I'm K. And they sort of went silent for a bit because we're Christian, upstanding, you [00:05:37] know, wholesome family. [00:05:38] And then mom and dad sat down and tried to talk it through with me and see if I was joking. Or if I was overreacting, and you know, this still. You know, they don't understand really, at all, even now. [00:05:59] I'm trying, you might understand, but it's also really difficult. [00:06:03] When you think that you just have a right to be understood, and no one's really willing to try understanding you. Yeah. Do you face much stigma because of your mental illness? Yeah, yeah, there's a lot. Um, at first, it takes a while for people to take you seriously, and realize that it's actually a serious problem, that you're not just some kid with behavioral issues. But, you know, I've had, I've had quite a bit of mental illness, [00:06:34] you know, that anorexia as well, [00:06:37] for, you know, two years, and [00:06:42] it's just [00:06:46] everyone thinks that [00:06:49] you're either stupid, or you're incredibly creative. And just like having a, an identity crisis. And about, you know, when I was admitted to hospital, last year, people finally began to take me seriously and realize that actually, um, it was a problem. And that no, it wasn't who I was that it was a big part of my life. Yeah. Do you think that there's much overlap between the homophobia you get, that you end up with and the stigma that you get for your mental illness? I think, you know, I think what it comes down to is people not understanding and people not being willing to understand. And that's where it's really difficult, because everyone is born with a feeling that they have a right to be understood. And ultimately, you know, what people seek in life, people seek three things they seek to, to be understood, they seek to love and be loved, and they seek to express themselves. And I suppose those three very, very important things. And so when you have [00:08:04] you know, all of them taken [00:08:05] away from you, you're, you're no [00:08:07] longer allowed to express yourself, you know, with your mental illness, you're no longer allowed to talk to people about it. And in the case, that it might trigger them or, you know, create a problem for them. [00:08:21] And you're not allowed to [00:08:24] express yourself, express your sexuality openly, because it's still very tougher. And when no one really wants to understand you, and you feel like you don't have as much of a right to love who you want to love and be loved by, by those, you want to be loved by it, it's very difficult to really come to terms with yourself and come to terms with the ever changing world around you. What form has the oppression you've received, taken? [00:08:56] I've been bullied. [00:08:58] I have been. So that was a while ago. And I just have people mocking me a lot like, especially for my mental illnesses. You know, people will say, Oh, she's happy now. But she's just manic. She's just going through a manic state. And they'll be you know, I hadn't actually in hospital who laughed at my voices and basically called me a crazy bitch, and said that all I was when my mental problems and you know, the constant put downs. And [00:09:40] I mean, I suppose I'm trying to take them on and [00:09:42] like, make them myself a stronger person [00:09:44] from them and trying to grow from them and understand other people and where they come from. But um, that's very difficult when you're constantly being harassed and constantly being put down. Do you think that the queer community isn't general more understanding of your mental illnesses, then mengfan community [00:10:08] these days that kind of [00:10:09] comes with the territory? Like, if you're What do you mean by that? If you're queer, like, so many queer people have so many other problems to deal with, you know, like, I hate to stereotype, and I'm probably going to really regret saying this later. But like, I find that a lot of people in the queer community are incredibly creative. and creative people, often creative and bright. People tend to have difficulties like mental mental difficulties. And so [00:10:46] that's a huge generalization. But you know, [00:10:50] that's what I fear and my experience, that's what I've, that's what I've seen and realized, but I think, you know, people, just people, and they tend to accept it more, and try and help because they've been in a position where they've been prejudiced against and like, [00:11:10] criticized for who they are. [00:11:12] So it's a lot easier to find an affinity with, with crazy blind. Yeah. [00:11:21] Maybe [00:11:22] there's a common cause for someone clearness and mental illnesses? Or do you think maybe being queer, Michael, someone to go through issues that would, could result in mental illness? Or maybe possibly, I think, I think that's probably, um, you know, that's what I've experienced, a lot of a lot of people in [00:11:41] hospital were, [00:11:45] were struggling with their sexual identity, and [00:11:49] I think it's really, um, [00:11:52] when you'll quit, you tend to face more problems than other people. That's not always true. But um, but you are, I would say, more at risk of mental illness, unfortunately. [00:12:10] Do you have any ideas Why? [00:12:15] I suppose again, it comes down to finding your place in society, and, and funny acceptance and wanting to fit in and still be accepted by people. So [00:12:32] some? [00:12:35] Yeah, I mean, [00:12:38] I have a lot of friends who struggle with body image and have developed eating disorders, as a result, [00:12:46] to try and fit [00:12:51] to try and fit into one of society's ideals, unfortunately, yeah. So if you could say to anyone, and all of mainstream society, about people with mental illness, what would you say? Please, I beg you just try and understand, you know, like, if you have to know someone who has gone through mental illness, or even if you think you might be going through something, or even just in general, to understand people and like, accent people, if you care about other people, you will research these problems, and talk to people with mental illness and really try and understand the world that you live in. Because the world is a far more complex place than we first believe when we're, you know, when we're younger, you know, the older I grow, and the more people I made, and the more more I come to realize, [00:13:50] my world I suppose. The more [00:13:54] I come to realize that people are far more complex, [00:14:00] then [00:14:02] I initially believed and you know, I just [00:14:06] every new day, but the confirms that to me. [00:14:09] And so, you know, I'm [00:14:12] very interested in people and they're interested in what makes people individual and unique. And and, you know, mental illness is something which unfortunately shapes someone who they are and like, changes the way they're saying in the way they [00:14:29] perceive society, [00:14:31] and, you know, their self deception and their perception of others. So [00:14:38] yeah, [00:14:39] I think that, in my experience, people who have gone through mental illness often have far more [00:14:44] depth [00:14:46] than other people who perhaps have not struggled [00:14:48] with, [00:14:52] with caring for themselves in a way that [00:14:57] was the hadn't been challenged to before. [00:15:01] Similarly, if you had to say something to all of the queer community about people with mental illness, would that be the same or different? Probably the same, just express a lot of love. And [00:15:19] you know, and don't be afraid to be yourself, because that really does [00:15:21] help. And if you could put out a message to all of the struggling and people with mental illness, what would you say? [00:15:35] I know that [00:15:38] it's a lot easier to turn to a friend that you trust. [00:15:42] But [00:15:45] putting that pressure on another person as as much pain as you're going through [00:15:53] don't [00:15:54] depend on [00:15:56] another young person for your mental stability. I even though it hasn't really worked for me. It does work for some people, please seek help. And try and build some trust with those you love and those who love you and [00:16:14] you know, just educate people on what's going on. And [00:16:19] yet, yeah, just talk to the professionals because they can know something. Sometimes the pills help, sometimes they don't, but sometimes the professionals methods help. And anything that helps us was the goal right?

This page features computer generated text of the source audio - it is not a transcript. The Artificial Intelligence Text is provided to help users when searching for keywords or phrases. The text has not been manually checked for accuracy against the original audio and will contain many errors.